Billie Joe Decided to Shut the Door to His Past, Once and For All, chapter 4
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It wasn't wrong and Billie Joe felt his heart sink. So he was the reason after all.
"B-I-L-L-I-E J-O-E" he read aloud with a shaky voice. His name was written on Mike's arm. No, not written, carved. Mike had been carving it into his skin.
"Pathetic isn't it?" Mike's voice was filled with sorrow and Billie Joe caught himself wishing that Mike still had that flat and empty voice. The grief that filled Mike's words made a part of Billie Joe's heart die and it hurt. It hurt so badly. He lifted up Mike's arm and noticed that his own hands were shaking. He swallowed again. Then he bent his head down and kissed the scars that formed the letters in his name. One kiss on each cut. Mike just looked at his friend with eyes that were lifeless and cold. Billie Joe took his best friend's hand in his own and bit his bottom lip.
"Mike, um, you've always said you're straight" he started though he didn't really want to ask since he was afraid of what the answer might be but Mike cut him short. He smiled at him and this time the smile reached his eyes and made them twinkle for just a second.
"I'm not in love with you if that's what you wanted to know" Mike said still smiling "and I didn't turn gay all of a sudden" Billie Joe smiled back at his friend. What a relief. There had been a time long ago when Billie Joe sometimes wished that Mike had been in love with him. That felt like forever ago though and had never been much more then a fantasy.
"I didn't think you had but I figured, um, that I should ask anyway and yeah" Billie Joe explained stumbling on his words a little. Mike raised an eyebrow at him.
"What if that had been what I wanted to talk about? What if I had been in love with you?" Mike asked and now it was his time to feel uneasy. Billie Joe took some time before he answered and smirked at Mike, which of course made Mike shift where he sat and feel even more awkward.
"We would have had to sort it out, simple huh?" was the not so satisfying answer. Billie Joe smirked again and Mike shook his head at his friend. He should've expected something like that from BJ. He didn't like to give a straight answer, almost like a politician. If you said that to him he would probably bite your head of, and it didn't have to be literally speaking. He could be quite short tempered.
"You're hopeless" Mike said to him but he did it with a smile. Billie Joe laughed at Mike and his head shakes.
"I know, in fact, everyone knows that. You don't have to point out the obvious" he smiled at his friend but then he got serious again "Well, I know what it's about now, but would you mind explaining it all to me in detail?" Billie Joe asked. He knew he wasn't a very good listener and that he had a short attention span but he really wanted to help Mike. After all Mike was one of the most important persons in Billie Joe's life and he was so tired of seeing those close to him suffer. It had to end. One way or another.
Back at Billie Joe and Ady's house Adrienne had got home and she was still a little angry at her housebound. She wanted him to get his ass home so she could take out her irritation on him, but also she wanted to make up. It never felt ok when they weren't on good terms with each other. She felt half. Most of all she felt sad and lonely though and the more time went the more worried she got. Ady was just about to call him and ask him where the hell he was when her oldest son walked into the living room with a sad look on his face. Ten years old Joseph Marciano was one of those kids who not only looked at things but also actually saw them. When he wasn't busy being a normal boy that ran around, playing and pulling pranks, he observed in a way that from time to time made him seem older than he was. Sometimes kids are more aware of the world than adults 'cause they haven't been caught in an everyday life yet. Their minds are still free and they are very good at listening to their hearts. Not like teenagers and adults who always think logical and rational, or at least 'till they realize that logic is overrated. If something can't be explained in a rational way they won't notice it. They don't see it 'cause they don't want to. Children on the other hand are very sensitive to things that aren't like it usually is. Even the slightest change in someone's mood or behavior catches their attention immediately. Especially if the person is someone close to him or her, and Joseph had noticed that everything wasn't alright. He walked across the living room to the couch where his mom was sitting. Joseph's little face was grave and his eyes was filed with sorrow.
"Mommy" he said as he stopped in front of her "Where is dad?" Joseph looked her in the eyes and Ady realized that there was no use making up an excuse for Billie Joe being of somewhere. She knew children were smarter than most people thought. Her son wouldn't believe her if she tried to lie about where his father were.
"He's probably with Mike somewhere, most likely at his home" she answered trying to sound calm and comforting. Joseph wasn't comforted at all though. He looked even more worried.
"What if dad hurts Mike? Mommy, could dad kill somebody?" he said and he's voice started to shake "Would he kill Mike if he got angry?" Ady was choked at her son's questions, a ten year old kid shouldn't like things like that. Why would he even think that something like that could happen?
"Joey, listen to me! He would never hurt Mike, they're best friend. And why do you think that daddy would kill anyone?" Ady asked and sounded perhaps a little angrier then necessary but she was scared.
"Dad was sitting in your room and I walked in" her son started and tears filled his eyes. He blinked them away 'cause big boys don't cry "he was writing something, I think, and, and I asked him if he could play with me but he just" Joseph paused to wipe away a tear "he was not daddy, and he told me" Joseph started to cry and angrily wiped away his tears. Ady pulled him down so he sat on her lap and rocked him until he had stopped crying. She hushed him and told him everything was going to be ok.
"So baby, tell me what daddy said" Ady demanded when her son had got himself together enough to talk.
"It wasn't daddy, it was someone that looked out through his eyes, a stranger inside him. And he, he said 'Go and play kid, can't you see that your dad is busy?' and then he screamed at me that I should get outa there before he hurt me" Joseph sobbed and Ady did her best to comfort him but he seemed to be inconsolable.
"Joseph, I want you to listen very carefully to me ok?" Ady said and her son nodded "Dad didn't mean to scare you and he was probably tired and in a lot of stress. You know that he can have a bad temper. He didn't mean it, he would never hurt you, do you understand me?" Joseph nodded again and she smiled softly at him "And he would never hurt Mike either, ok?" her son gave her a weak smile but the only thing that she had achieved was to convince herself that it wasn't as bad as Joseph thought. He still felt that his dad wasn't ok and he wouldn't think otherwise until Billie Joe stopped acting as he had done lately.
"Good, now of to bed sweetie" Ady said and kissed him on the cheek. He rubbed his cheek and gave her a disgusted look but his eyes twinkled.
"Mom!" he objected and she tried to give him another kiss. He ran out of reach laughing and stuck his tongue out at her. Ady told him to get his but to bed before she gave him a million kisses. Eventually both boys where laying in their beds and Ady sat down on the couch again. She looked at the phone, it was about time to call Billie Joe.
Back at Mike's house Mike more or less refused to explain it more to his friend. Billie Joe was getting quite annoyed as he tried to get Mike to speak up.
"C'mon! You wanted to talk so talk dammit!" he said, his voice was slightly raised and his grip of Mike's hand hardened. Mike made a face and looked like he wanted to tell Billie Joe everything but he just couldn't bring himself to do it.
"Why wont you tell me? Please Mike, I wanna help!" Billie Joe pleaded and finally Mike gave in. He sighted and muttered 'fine'.
"I wanted to talk to you but I don't wanna lay my problems on you" Mike said and Billie Joe ensured him that it was ok. Mike started to explain it all to his friend. "I've been feeling abandoned lately. You know I grew up in a broken home and then I stayed with your family when my adoptive mother and sister moved. I was alone but I had you, my best friend, and I knew that they cared about me and that's why they let me stay with you. Your house felt like a home to me and your mother and siblings where very nice to me but I didn't really belong there. I didn't really belong anywhere. When you and me moved to Seventh Street we sorta had a home together. But two guys in an apartment don't make a real home. Time went and things changed. It didn't take long before you found 80. Then the two of you fell in love and, well, got married. You know she and I never really got along, and we still don't. It's not that I don't like her, I think she's nice and that you two belong together, but it has always felt like she took you from me. Eh, yeah it sounds silly I know but you where all I had. It was around that time that we where exiled from Gilman Street and that had felt like a home. " Mike went silent for a while. Billie Joe told him it wasn't silly and encouraged him to continue. "Fine, I will!" Mike muttered. He took a deep breath and went on.
"When I met Anastasia some time after you and 80 got married things started to look brighter. As you know we got married and when my little hero was born I had a home. I had a loving and wonderful home. I belonged. But it didn't last and do you know why? Well, you do. It didn't last 'cuz I spent too much time with our band. Too much time with you. When things went bad with Green Day after Warning and everyone stopped talking I felt more alone then ever. Once again I had no home and I didn't even have my best friends. Everyone was busy with their own lives for like two years. You took care of your wife and kids and spent all your time with them. I don't blame you for leaving me alone 'cuz I know that your family means everything to you. I know you felt like you couldn't talk to me and you weren't sure if you wanted to work with Tré and me anymore. You thought about goin' solo and, man, that broke my heart. We got through that though and eventually fixed things and we sorted out all the problems in the band. When we started to work on American Idiot and when I married Sarah in 2004 everything seemed to be ok. But she left me 'cuz I was spending too much time in the studio. We all put everything on the line for the record and, well, my relationship just fell apart. Once again a girl left 'cuz I cared too much about Green Day. You see I always pick you over my wife, and that can only result in one thing. She leaves. The sad thing is that so does you. You go home and I'm all alone. After we where done with the record and the tours you went home and I was left alone again. And this is the part you don't know since you've been so busy spending time with 80, I had a fight with Sarah and we're not even friends anymore. Anastasia have a boyfriend and they went to Europe and took Estelle with them. Now you know why I'm down. It's pathetic." Mike looked away again but Billie Joe noticed the tears in his eyes. Mike's life had been difficult and the feeling that he didn't belong anywhere and was homeless was stronger then ever. Billie Joe looked at him. He looked like life finally had defeated him. Being alone is one of the most painful things in the world and lately 'ike hadn't had anyone at all.
"I'm sorry. I knew it was my fault, it always is. I'm sorry Mike that I keep fuckin' up, I'm sorry that I'm the worst best friend ever. I'm really sorry I'm such a jinx." Billie Joe apologized though he knew that it was no use. He'd let his best friend down. "I-I know I promised when we where kids that you didn' have to be alone anymore. Guess I've broken that promise haven't I?" Billie Joe felt like such an asshole. Why, why and why did he always hurt those he cared for? A voice in his head whispered that it was because of his past, it was still alive and he needed to kill it and leave some people behind in it to rot. Billie Joe told the voice to shut up for once.
"It's not your fault, I'm just a mess and it's not because of you. This is why I didn't want to tell you everything 'cuz I knew you would blame yourself." Mike said and smiled weakly at him. Billie Joe smiled back but his smile was of the same character as the one he had given Ady when she found him staring into the bathroom mirror. It wasn't a genuine smile but no one could tell the difference save maybe a child.
"But it IS my fault!" Billie Joe said in such way that Mike gave up trying to convince him otherwise. Mike knew that his friend had had a hard time as well. His marriage had been pushed to the breaking point during the making of American Idiot, and at the end of Warning he too had felt alone. Billie Joe was always alone though. Mike could never figure out why his friend always felt alone no matter what and felt terrible 'cause he couldn't help him. The two of them sat in silence and blamed themselves for the other one's problems.
"B-I-L-L-I-E J-O-E" he read aloud with a shaky voice. His name was written on Mike's arm. No, not written, carved. Mike had been carving it into his skin.
"Pathetic isn't it?" Mike's voice was filled with sorrow and Billie Joe caught himself wishing that Mike still had that flat and empty voice. The grief that filled Mike's words made a part of Billie Joe's heart die and it hurt. It hurt so badly. He lifted up Mike's arm and noticed that his own hands were shaking. He swallowed again. Then he bent his head down and kissed the scars that formed the letters in his name. One kiss on each cut. Mike just looked at his friend with eyes that were lifeless and cold. Billie Joe took his best friend's hand in his own and bit his bottom lip.
"Mike, um, you've always said you're straight" he started though he didn't really want to ask since he was afraid of what the answer might be but Mike cut him short. He smiled at him and this time the smile reached his eyes and made them twinkle for just a second.
"I'm not in love with you if that's what you wanted to know" Mike said still smiling "and I didn't turn gay all of a sudden" Billie Joe smiled back at his friend. What a relief. There had been a time long ago when Billie Joe sometimes wished that Mike had been in love with him. That felt like forever ago though and had never been much more then a fantasy.
"I didn't think you had but I figured, um, that I should ask anyway and yeah" Billie Joe explained stumbling on his words a little. Mike raised an eyebrow at him.
"What if that had been what I wanted to talk about? What if I had been in love with you?" Mike asked and now it was his time to feel uneasy. Billie Joe took some time before he answered and smirked at Mike, which of course made Mike shift where he sat and feel even more awkward.
"We would have had to sort it out, simple huh?" was the not so satisfying answer. Billie Joe smirked again and Mike shook his head at his friend. He should've expected something like that from BJ. He didn't like to give a straight answer, almost like a politician. If you said that to him he would probably bite your head of, and it didn't have to be literally speaking. He could be quite short tempered.
"You're hopeless" Mike said to him but he did it with a smile. Billie Joe laughed at Mike and his head shakes.
"I know, in fact, everyone knows that. You don't have to point out the obvious" he smiled at his friend but then he got serious again "Well, I know what it's about now, but would you mind explaining it all to me in detail?" Billie Joe asked. He knew he wasn't a very good listener and that he had a short attention span but he really wanted to help Mike. After all Mike was one of the most important persons in Billie Joe's life and he was so tired of seeing those close to him suffer. It had to end. One way or another.
Back at Billie Joe and Ady's house Adrienne had got home and she was still a little angry at her housebound. She wanted him to get his ass home so she could take out her irritation on him, but also she wanted to make up. It never felt ok when they weren't on good terms with each other. She felt half. Most of all she felt sad and lonely though and the more time went the more worried she got. Ady was just about to call him and ask him where the hell he was when her oldest son walked into the living room with a sad look on his face. Ten years old Joseph Marciano was one of those kids who not only looked at things but also actually saw them. When he wasn't busy being a normal boy that ran around, playing and pulling pranks, he observed in a way that from time to time made him seem older than he was. Sometimes kids are more aware of the world than adults 'cause they haven't been caught in an everyday life yet. Their minds are still free and they are very good at listening to their hearts. Not like teenagers and adults who always think logical and rational, or at least 'till they realize that logic is overrated. If something can't be explained in a rational way they won't notice it. They don't see it 'cause they don't want to. Children on the other hand are very sensitive to things that aren't like it usually is. Even the slightest change in someone's mood or behavior catches their attention immediately. Especially if the person is someone close to him or her, and Joseph had noticed that everything wasn't alright. He walked across the living room to the couch where his mom was sitting. Joseph's little face was grave and his eyes was filed with sorrow.
"Mommy" he said as he stopped in front of her "Where is dad?" Joseph looked her in the eyes and Ady realized that there was no use making up an excuse for Billie Joe being of somewhere. She knew children were smarter than most people thought. Her son wouldn't believe her if she tried to lie about where his father were.
"He's probably with Mike somewhere, most likely at his home" she answered trying to sound calm and comforting. Joseph wasn't comforted at all though. He looked even more worried.
"What if dad hurts Mike? Mommy, could dad kill somebody?" he said and he's voice started to shake "Would he kill Mike if he got angry?" Ady was choked at her son's questions, a ten year old kid shouldn't like things like that. Why would he even think that something like that could happen?
"Joey, listen to me! He would never hurt Mike, they're best friend. And why do you think that daddy would kill anyone?" Ady asked and sounded perhaps a little angrier then necessary but she was scared.
"Dad was sitting in your room and I walked in" her son started and tears filled his eyes. He blinked them away 'cause big boys don't cry "he was writing something, I think, and, and I asked him if he could play with me but he just" Joseph paused to wipe away a tear "he was not daddy, and he told me" Joseph started to cry and angrily wiped away his tears. Ady pulled him down so he sat on her lap and rocked him until he had stopped crying. She hushed him and told him everything was going to be ok.
"So baby, tell me what daddy said" Ady demanded when her son had got himself together enough to talk.
"It wasn't daddy, it was someone that looked out through his eyes, a stranger inside him. And he, he said 'Go and play kid, can't you see that your dad is busy?' and then he screamed at me that I should get outa there before he hurt me" Joseph sobbed and Ady did her best to comfort him but he seemed to be inconsolable.
"Joseph, I want you to listen very carefully to me ok?" Ady said and her son nodded "Dad didn't mean to scare you and he was probably tired and in a lot of stress. You know that he can have a bad temper. He didn't mean it, he would never hurt you, do you understand me?" Joseph nodded again and she smiled softly at him "And he would never hurt Mike either, ok?" her son gave her a weak smile but the only thing that she had achieved was to convince herself that it wasn't as bad as Joseph thought. He still felt that his dad wasn't ok and he wouldn't think otherwise until Billie Joe stopped acting as he had done lately.
"Good, now of to bed sweetie" Ady said and kissed him on the cheek. He rubbed his cheek and gave her a disgusted look but his eyes twinkled.
"Mom!" he objected and she tried to give him another kiss. He ran out of reach laughing and stuck his tongue out at her. Ady told him to get his but to bed before she gave him a million kisses. Eventually both boys where laying in their beds and Ady sat down on the couch again. She looked at the phone, it was about time to call Billie Joe.
Back at Mike's house Mike more or less refused to explain it more to his friend. Billie Joe was getting quite annoyed as he tried to get Mike to speak up.
"C'mon! You wanted to talk so talk dammit!" he said, his voice was slightly raised and his grip of Mike's hand hardened. Mike made a face and looked like he wanted to tell Billie Joe everything but he just couldn't bring himself to do it.
"Why wont you tell me? Please Mike, I wanna help!" Billie Joe pleaded and finally Mike gave in. He sighted and muttered 'fine'.
"I wanted to talk to you but I don't wanna lay my problems on you" Mike said and Billie Joe ensured him that it was ok. Mike started to explain it all to his friend. "I've been feeling abandoned lately. You know I grew up in a broken home and then I stayed with your family when my adoptive mother and sister moved. I was alone but I had you, my best friend, and I knew that they cared about me and that's why they let me stay with you. Your house felt like a home to me and your mother and siblings where very nice to me but I didn't really belong there. I didn't really belong anywhere. When you and me moved to Seventh Street we sorta had a home together. But two guys in an apartment don't make a real home. Time went and things changed. It didn't take long before you found 80. Then the two of you fell in love and, well, got married. You know she and I never really got along, and we still don't. It's not that I don't like her, I think she's nice and that you two belong together, but it has always felt like she took you from me. Eh, yeah it sounds silly I know but you where all I had. It was around that time that we where exiled from Gilman Street and that had felt like a home. " Mike went silent for a while. Billie Joe told him it wasn't silly and encouraged him to continue. "Fine, I will!" Mike muttered. He took a deep breath and went on.
"When I met Anastasia some time after you and 80 got married things started to look brighter. As you know we got married and when my little hero was born I had a home. I had a loving and wonderful home. I belonged. But it didn't last and do you know why? Well, you do. It didn't last 'cuz I spent too much time with our band. Too much time with you. When things went bad with Green Day after Warning and everyone stopped talking I felt more alone then ever. Once again I had no home and I didn't even have my best friends. Everyone was busy with their own lives for like two years. You took care of your wife and kids and spent all your time with them. I don't blame you for leaving me alone 'cuz I know that your family means everything to you. I know you felt like you couldn't talk to me and you weren't sure if you wanted to work with Tré and me anymore. You thought about goin' solo and, man, that broke my heart. We got through that though and eventually fixed things and we sorted out all the problems in the band. When we started to work on American Idiot and when I married Sarah in 2004 everything seemed to be ok. But she left me 'cuz I was spending too much time in the studio. We all put everything on the line for the record and, well, my relationship just fell apart. Once again a girl left 'cuz I cared too much about Green Day. You see I always pick you over my wife, and that can only result in one thing. She leaves. The sad thing is that so does you. You go home and I'm all alone. After we where done with the record and the tours you went home and I was left alone again. And this is the part you don't know since you've been so busy spending time with 80, I had a fight with Sarah and we're not even friends anymore. Anastasia have a boyfriend and they went to Europe and took Estelle with them. Now you know why I'm down. It's pathetic." Mike looked away again but Billie Joe noticed the tears in his eyes. Mike's life had been difficult and the feeling that he didn't belong anywhere and was homeless was stronger then ever. Billie Joe looked at him. He looked like life finally had defeated him. Being alone is one of the most painful things in the world and lately 'ike hadn't had anyone at all.
"I'm sorry. I knew it was my fault, it always is. I'm sorry Mike that I keep fuckin' up, I'm sorry that I'm the worst best friend ever. I'm really sorry I'm such a jinx." Billie Joe apologized though he knew that it was no use. He'd let his best friend down. "I-I know I promised when we where kids that you didn' have to be alone anymore. Guess I've broken that promise haven't I?" Billie Joe felt like such an asshole. Why, why and why did he always hurt those he cared for? A voice in his head whispered that it was because of his past, it was still alive and he needed to kill it and leave some people behind in it to rot. Billie Joe told the voice to shut up for once.
"It's not your fault, I'm just a mess and it's not because of you. This is why I didn't want to tell you everything 'cuz I knew you would blame yourself." Mike said and smiled weakly at him. Billie Joe smiled back but his smile was of the same character as the one he had given Ady when she found him staring into the bathroom mirror. It wasn't a genuine smile but no one could tell the difference save maybe a child.
"But it IS my fault!" Billie Joe said in such way that Mike gave up trying to convince him otherwise. Mike knew that his friend had had a hard time as well. His marriage had been pushed to the breaking point during the making of American Idiot, and at the end of Warning he too had felt alone. Billie Joe was always alone though. Mike could never figure out why his friend always felt alone no matter what and felt terrible 'cause he couldn't help him. The two of them sat in silence and blamed themselves for the other one's problems.
