All the Songs Have Been Erased, chapter 7
I told Billie that I couldn't drive, or I would swerve off the rode over a cliff. Billie told me he would drive me home, and I could pick up my car later. I nodded and gave Mike a hug and then held on to Adie and started crying again.
"Shhh... Shhh," she said. "Don't worry. It'll be okay. I promise." I nodded and spurted out, "Thanks." She smiled, "Anytime."
I followed Billie out the door and gave each of them a wave of fake confidence. Billie put his arm around me as we walked upstairs and then to the car. I went into the front seat of the BMW and then Billie sat down in the driver's seat.
As we drove the 10 minutes to Tre's and my house, I leant back and closed my eyes. What did he mean? Why would he even act in that sort of way? I thought. It's inhumane. He's crazy.
As we pulled into the familiar driveway I sighed. "Want me to come in with you?" Billie asked. "Thanks, but no thanks. I think I've got to take the rest on by myself." ;Billie nodded and gave me a kiss on the forehead. "Remember," he said. "No matter what happens, Adie, Mike, and I still love you. You know that don't you?"
"Of course. I love you guys too. Thanks." ;I waved as I shut the door. I realized that I still had my slippers and robe on as I walked up the brick driveway. My feet shuffled to the back door, and I put my hand around the doorknob. Dammit. It was locked. I knocked with he'sitance as I saw Billie's car move out of the driveway.
I heard feet shuffling toward the door and Tre fumbling with the knob. He opened the door and I stepped in. As he closed it he said, "We need to talk."
"Mmm-hmm" I looked around the house. Nothing had changed since I left. I looked to the right and noticed that the kitchen was still intact. I turned my head and saw the champagne and the rug, which had actually been cleaned (so something had changed... Whatever). We walked over to the couch and sat down, right where we had the night before. "Where are the kids? I know that they know. I'm sure that they heard... What did you tell them?"
"I just told them we had a bit of a disagreement. But seriously, they are 12 and 15, I think they understood each word, so there is really nothing to explain." I nodded.
"I still don't believe it," ;I muttered.
"I do. It's all really real actually. You'd understand if you knew."
I looked up with tears in my eyes, "Well then why can't you tell me? Why?"
"It will hurt you Stephanie," Tre pulled a hair off my face. "All it will do is hurt you more than you are already hurt, you don't need that."
"I'm not thinking that you slept with another woman, but then again you said everything was all an act...," ;I gasped, trying to fill my lungs with air, though it wasn't quite working. "Oh God, please no. No, please no."
"Stephanie... NO... Yes, most of it was an act, but not my abstinence, no, never. I'll wait forever for you. I love you, you know that," ; he looked at me so willingly, wanting to fix everything. "I just... Don't think this will work." I guess he didn't want to fix everything.
"What? No, no. This can't be happening. It has to work. You love me, you just said it. God dammit, YOU JUST SAID YOU LOVED ME!" ; I began crying again, and Tre pulled me in. He gave me a kiss on the top of my head as he rocked me back and forth.
"No Steph, you just don't understand," he said.
"Well, then, DAMMIT Tre, tell me! I WANT to understand. Anything that brings you pain, brings me pain. And I think that it's quite obvious right now! I've gone through more hell in the past 24 hours than I ever have, trust me, YOU ARE NOT PUTTING ME IN ANY MORE PAIN THAN I'M ALREADY IN." ;
"Stephanie... You don't want to know. You'd be better leaving me, forever. You wouldn't get hurt that way."
"I could never leave you. Ever. I would rather be hung than leave you. I would rather throw myself off a cliff than leave you. I would rather be drowned to death. Nothing can make me leave you," I said stubbornly.
"Fine. You are a stubborn girl and you always have been and will be. I'll tell you." ; Tre sighed. "I... I mean... Um... Okay fine I'll just say it. I don't know any better way. I have a brain tumor Stephanie."
"Oh my God. Oh. My. God. No. No, no, no! This is not true. You're lying! You're lying! Stop it Tre, STOP! This isn't funny! Jokes like this AREN'T FUNNY! Please, no. This can't be right," ; I couldn't stop crying. My mouth began to taste the salt from my tears and my nose started to run. I didn't bother to wipe either away. He gave me that look saying 'you know it's right... ' "TRE! NO! You're wrong! This is wrong! I HATE THIS!"
I fell to the ground and began to cry, leaving a stain on the rug. I just started rocking and crying, rocking and crying. Tre picked me up and laid my head in his lap. "Stephanie, I'm not lying. I'm sorry. I told you that you would be hurt. I wanted to avoid this."
"God, Tre. Why did you say all that stuff then?" I looked at him.
"Okay here's the things," Tre sighed. "This situation is a pretty shitty one. And it's long term. And... Well I won't get into that. The thing is, I just didn't want you to endure all of this with me. You deserve so much more than to be bound up with some guy with a brain tumor. I thought long and hard about what I should do.
"So I figured in the end the best thing to do was to drive you away. I knew it would hurt you and knowing that I did hurt you scarred me painfully. But you could get over me. I am just a person, this event is bigger than both of us combined. You don't need it. But the things I said, they were out of line. I knew they would push your buttons, and those things were the only things I knew would drive you away. I acted every single second of it, and I cried when you left. I'm really sorry. I don't think even saying sorry is enough."
I kissed him and said, "Tre, in the situation we are now, sorry is enough. I don't want anything else on you right now. And yes, I said we. We are going through this together. But... I'm assuming it's cancerous."
"Stephanie, it isn't just that. Yes, it's cancerous, but the doctors found it late. Pretty late. It's less than a 50/50 chance."
"Your survival?"
Tre nodded.
"Oh Jesus. What stage?"
"Three."
"Christ."
I suddenly felt very dizzy. I couldn't speak. I couldn't breathe. I blacked out.
"Shhh... Shhh," she said. "Don't worry. It'll be okay. I promise." I nodded and spurted out, "Thanks." She smiled, "Anytime."
I followed Billie out the door and gave each of them a wave of fake confidence. Billie put his arm around me as we walked upstairs and then to the car. I went into the front seat of the BMW and then Billie sat down in the driver's seat.
As we drove the 10 minutes to Tre's and my house, I leant back and closed my eyes. What did he mean? Why would he even act in that sort of way? I thought. It's inhumane. He's crazy.
As we pulled into the familiar driveway I sighed. "Want me to come in with you?" Billie asked. "Thanks, but no thanks. I think I've got to take the rest on by myself." ;Billie nodded and gave me a kiss on the forehead. "Remember," he said. "No matter what happens, Adie, Mike, and I still love you. You know that don't you?"
"Of course. I love you guys too. Thanks." ;I waved as I shut the door. I realized that I still had my slippers and robe on as I walked up the brick driveway. My feet shuffled to the back door, and I put my hand around the doorknob. Dammit. It was locked. I knocked with he'sitance as I saw Billie's car move out of the driveway.
I heard feet shuffling toward the door and Tre fumbling with the knob. He opened the door and I stepped in. As he closed it he said, "We need to talk."
"Mmm-hmm" I looked around the house. Nothing had changed since I left. I looked to the right and noticed that the kitchen was still intact. I turned my head and saw the champagne and the rug, which had actually been cleaned (so something had changed... Whatever). We walked over to the couch and sat down, right where we had the night before. "Where are the kids? I know that they know. I'm sure that they heard... What did you tell them?"
"I just told them we had a bit of a disagreement. But seriously, they are 12 and 15, I think they understood each word, so there is really nothing to explain." I nodded.
"I still don't believe it," ;I muttered.
"I do. It's all really real actually. You'd understand if you knew."
I looked up with tears in my eyes, "Well then why can't you tell me? Why?"
"It will hurt you Stephanie," Tre pulled a hair off my face. "All it will do is hurt you more than you are already hurt, you don't need that."
"I'm not thinking that you slept with another woman, but then again you said everything was all an act...," ;I gasped, trying to fill my lungs with air, though it wasn't quite working. "Oh God, please no. No, please no."
"Stephanie... NO... Yes, most of it was an act, but not my abstinence, no, never. I'll wait forever for you. I love you, you know that," ; he looked at me so willingly, wanting to fix everything. "I just... Don't think this will work." I guess he didn't want to fix everything.
"What? No, no. This can't be happening. It has to work. You love me, you just said it. God dammit, YOU JUST SAID YOU LOVED ME!" ; I began crying again, and Tre pulled me in. He gave me a kiss on the top of my head as he rocked me back and forth.
"No Steph, you just don't understand," he said.
"Well, then, DAMMIT Tre, tell me! I WANT to understand. Anything that brings you pain, brings me pain. And I think that it's quite obvious right now! I've gone through more hell in the past 24 hours than I ever have, trust me, YOU ARE NOT PUTTING ME IN ANY MORE PAIN THAN I'M ALREADY IN." ;
"Stephanie... You don't want to know. You'd be better leaving me, forever. You wouldn't get hurt that way."
"I could never leave you. Ever. I would rather be hung than leave you. I would rather throw myself off a cliff than leave you. I would rather be drowned to death. Nothing can make me leave you," I said stubbornly.
"Fine. You are a stubborn girl and you always have been and will be. I'll tell you." ; Tre sighed. "I... I mean... Um... Okay fine I'll just say it. I don't know any better way. I have a brain tumor Stephanie."
"Oh my God. Oh. My. God. No. No, no, no! This is not true. You're lying! You're lying! Stop it Tre, STOP! This isn't funny! Jokes like this AREN'T FUNNY! Please, no. This can't be right," ; I couldn't stop crying. My mouth began to taste the salt from my tears and my nose started to run. I didn't bother to wipe either away. He gave me that look saying 'you know it's right... ' "TRE! NO! You're wrong! This is wrong! I HATE THIS!"
I fell to the ground and began to cry, leaving a stain on the rug. I just started rocking and crying, rocking and crying. Tre picked me up and laid my head in his lap. "Stephanie, I'm not lying. I'm sorry. I told you that you would be hurt. I wanted to avoid this."
"God, Tre. Why did you say all that stuff then?" I looked at him.
"Okay here's the things," Tre sighed. "This situation is a pretty shitty one. And it's long term. And... Well I won't get into that. The thing is, I just didn't want you to endure all of this with me. You deserve so much more than to be bound up with some guy with a brain tumor. I thought long and hard about what I should do.
"So I figured in the end the best thing to do was to drive you away. I knew it would hurt you and knowing that I did hurt you scarred me painfully. But you could get over me. I am just a person, this event is bigger than both of us combined. You don't need it. But the things I said, they were out of line. I knew they would push your buttons, and those things were the only things I knew would drive you away. I acted every single second of it, and I cried when you left. I'm really sorry. I don't think even saying sorry is enough."
I kissed him and said, "Tre, in the situation we are now, sorry is enough. I don't want anything else on you right now. And yes, I said we. We are going through this together. But... I'm assuming it's cancerous."
"Stephanie, it isn't just that. Yes, it's cancerous, but the doctors found it late. Pretty late. It's less than a 50/50 chance."
"Your survival?"
Tre nodded.
"Oh Jesus. What stage?"
"Three."
"Christ."
I suddenly felt very dizzy. I couldn't speak. I couldn't breathe. I blacked out.
