And All the Shit You Put Me Through, chapter 11
I slammed the door to Lauren's room, letting tears fall down my cheeks. Why had this happened? I was supposed to be apologizing to her, not telling her I don't regret a thing I did. I leaned on the door to Lauren's room and slid down to the floor. After about 5 minutes of crying silently, I got up and left for Mike's house.
Mike's House
"Mike! Mike! Open your goddamn door!" I yelled, hearing how forceful my voice was. Mike opened the door. Obviously I had woken him up, since he was still in his pajamas.
"What the fuck Billie? It's two in the afternoon."
"It's about Lauren," I replied letting myself in and dragging Mike to his precious coffee maker.
"Well I went into her room and read her diary because I wanted to find out how I could apologize. But she came in when I was reading and got all pissed at me. Then I just told her to shut up and she did. I told her I was looking for a way to apologize, and she said that I think I can apologize for what I've done? Then she brought up that phone conversation I had with you." Mike froze mid-sip of his coffee.
"What the fuck Bill! Why did you tell her about it! Does she know what I said?"
"No she doesn't Mike. And I didn't tell her. She listened in on the call. Anyways, I thought she knew that I had been raped by a sick dude, and I said something about it. She was shocked. I realized she didn't know and told me to leave. Before I left, I said, And I quote, 'You know I don't regret a thing that I did to you, you got everything you deserved.'"
Mike stared at me wide-eyed. God I hate this feeling that everyone is watching me because I'm different. Because of the bruises and cuts I get from Brad. And Lauren feels the same. I give her bruises and sometimes a cut. Oh my god. What have I done? We used to be best friends. But now, how can she ever forgive me? I thought, running my hands through my hair.
"Mike? What am I going to do?"
"Fuck! Billie, first of all why the hell did you do it?"
I stared up at Mike. His eyes were burning a hole right through me. I couldn't stand it. "Well my older brother, Allan, said that if I wanted her to like me, I should do that. He said he does it and it works like a charm. So I tried it. And Now I've ruined Lauren and mine's friendship."
Mike again looked down at his coffee, his eyes not burning a hole through me. "Bill, do you remember when the police were at my house and they arrested Allan and took my sister to the hospital?" I nodded. "Well, he was abusing her. We were all really scared. He had just started beating her, raping her. Then my mom- er, foster mom, called 9-1-1. I was so scared that night. He killed my sister."
I was shocked. I never thought Allan could kill someone. "But, didn't she commit suicide?" Mike nodded.
"She did, and by her body there was a note. It said that she killed herself so she wouldn't feel the pain anymore. The pain Allan had forced her to feel."
"Oh my god. I'm sorry Mike. I'm so sorry." I said just above a whisper, while sliding down in my seat.
Mike patted my shoulder. "It's ok. It wasn't your fault. Now go and find Lauren."
I stared at him in disbelief. My mind was relaying that horrible night. But yet, what he said made sense. In a weird sort of way. I decided I had to go and find her. But I had to go prepared.
Half hour later
I came out of Mike's house in a weird protection suit. I had on a helmet, pillows that surrounded my body, along with knee pads, elbow pads, a chest protector, and a crotch pad, incase she decided to kick me there.
I walked down past the few houses before I got to Lauren's. I tried the front door, and thankfully it was unlocked. Then I went up the stairs as quietly as I could, and tried Lauren's door. It, too, was unlocked. I slowly opened the door and found her asleep on her bed. I saw the bruises I had left. I saw the hurt expression on her tear-streaked face. I silently walked over to her bed, and shook her awake.
"Wha- what the fuck!! Who the hell are you!!!?" Lauren said, tumbling off her bed.
"Lauren. It's me Billie Joe."
"Why the fuck are you wearing pillows?" She said, looking me over.
"Well, I came over here to apologize, well try to at least. And I was afraid you'd kick my ass, so Mike helped me put on this crappy protection suit."
Lauren was amused. "Anything else I should know? I mean, now what are you gonna try? Invade my personal space with that fucking huge suit of yours?"
"No. I just, wanted to say I'm really sorry. I really am. I- I didn't realize what I was doing."
"And my screams never clued you in huh?"
"No, I mean I knew I was doing it, but I didn't realize what I was doing to our friendship, you, and myself."
Lauren nodded. She looked like she was letting the few words I had said soak in. "I am really sorry. I know I can't make up for what I've done, but I just want to try and see if we can at least be friends."
"Maybe. But why did you do that to me BJ? I mean, one day we're happy and best friends, the next day you're raping me."
I winced as she said that. I gave a sigh. "Remember my brother Allan?" She nodded. "Well, I used to really like you. And since he was my only older brother that lived in the house with me, I asked him what I could do to get you to like me. He said, 'Little Billie. If you want Lauren to love you, fuck her. If she screams she likes it. Do that all the time. Then eventually she'll fall for you.' And I believed him." I said, watching tears fall off the tip of my nose and onto her bed sheet.
"Oh my god Billie. I didn't know. I thought you were just being told by Al or someone to do it."
"Well no one did. Now please, can we try and be friends? It's ok if you say no. I mean, I hurt you."
Lauren nodded, and thought for a moment. "Billie Joe Armstrong." I nodded, waiting for more. "We used to be best friends. I mean I guess we can try. If you don't hurt me that is."
I nodded, and held out my hand. "Deal." I said.
Lauren looked a little regretful. "I promise I won't hurt you ever again." She looked down at her hands, thinking over what I just said. I heard little sobs coming form Lauren. "Why are you crying?" I asked, aware of the amount of concern in my voice.
"Billie Joe, you hurt me. Deep. I don't know if I can just start and be friends with you." I looked down at the ground, tears coming down harder than before.
"I'm sorry Lauren!! I really am. Please believe me. I swear. All I want is for my old life back."
"I do too, but you can't change the past." Lauren said, and left me sitting by her bed, crying.
Mike's House
"Mike! Mike! Open your goddamn door!" I yelled, hearing how forceful my voice was. Mike opened the door. Obviously I had woken him up, since he was still in his pajamas.
"What the fuck Billie? It's two in the afternoon."
"It's about Lauren," I replied letting myself in and dragging Mike to his precious coffee maker.
"Well I went into her room and read her diary because I wanted to find out how I could apologize. But she came in when I was reading and got all pissed at me. Then I just told her to shut up and she did. I told her I was looking for a way to apologize, and she said that I think I can apologize for what I've done? Then she brought up that phone conversation I had with you." Mike froze mid-sip of his coffee.
"What the fuck Bill! Why did you tell her about it! Does she know what I said?"
"No she doesn't Mike. And I didn't tell her. She listened in on the call. Anyways, I thought she knew that I had been raped by a sick dude, and I said something about it. She was shocked. I realized she didn't know and told me to leave. Before I left, I said, And I quote, 'You know I don't regret a thing that I did to you, you got everything you deserved.'"
Mike stared at me wide-eyed. God I hate this feeling that everyone is watching me because I'm different. Because of the bruises and cuts I get from Brad. And Lauren feels the same. I give her bruises and sometimes a cut. Oh my god. What have I done? We used to be best friends. But now, how can she ever forgive me? I thought, running my hands through my hair.
"Mike? What am I going to do?"
"Fuck! Billie, first of all why the hell did you do it?"
I stared up at Mike. His eyes were burning a hole right through me. I couldn't stand it. "Well my older brother, Allan, said that if I wanted her to like me, I should do that. He said he does it and it works like a charm. So I tried it. And Now I've ruined Lauren and mine's friendship."
Mike again looked down at his coffee, his eyes not burning a hole through me. "Bill, do you remember when the police were at my house and they arrested Allan and took my sister to the hospital?" I nodded. "Well, he was abusing her. We were all really scared. He had just started beating her, raping her. Then my mom- er, foster mom, called 9-1-1. I was so scared that night. He killed my sister."
I was shocked. I never thought Allan could kill someone. "But, didn't she commit suicide?" Mike nodded.
"She did, and by her body there was a note. It said that she killed herself so she wouldn't feel the pain anymore. The pain Allan had forced her to feel."
"Oh my god. I'm sorry Mike. I'm so sorry." I said just above a whisper, while sliding down in my seat.
Mike patted my shoulder. "It's ok. It wasn't your fault. Now go and find Lauren."
I stared at him in disbelief. My mind was relaying that horrible night. But yet, what he said made sense. In a weird sort of way. I decided I had to go and find her. But I had to go prepared.
Half hour later
I came out of Mike's house in a weird protection suit. I had on a helmet, pillows that surrounded my body, along with knee pads, elbow pads, a chest protector, and a crotch pad, incase she decided to kick me there.
I walked down past the few houses before I got to Lauren's. I tried the front door, and thankfully it was unlocked. Then I went up the stairs as quietly as I could, and tried Lauren's door. It, too, was unlocked. I slowly opened the door and found her asleep on her bed. I saw the bruises I had left. I saw the hurt expression on her tear-streaked face. I silently walked over to her bed, and shook her awake.
"Wha- what the fuck!! Who the hell are you!!!?" Lauren said, tumbling off her bed.
"Lauren. It's me Billie Joe."
"Why the fuck are you wearing pillows?" She said, looking me over.
"Well, I came over here to apologize, well try to at least. And I was afraid you'd kick my ass, so Mike helped me put on this crappy protection suit."
Lauren was amused. "Anything else I should know? I mean, now what are you gonna try? Invade my personal space with that fucking huge suit of yours?"
"No. I just, wanted to say I'm really sorry. I really am. I- I didn't realize what I was doing."
"And my screams never clued you in huh?"
"No, I mean I knew I was doing it, but I didn't realize what I was doing to our friendship, you, and myself."
Lauren nodded. She looked like she was letting the few words I had said soak in. "I am really sorry. I know I can't make up for what I've done, but I just want to try and see if we can at least be friends."
"Maybe. But why did you do that to me BJ? I mean, one day we're happy and best friends, the next day you're raping me."
I winced as she said that. I gave a sigh. "Remember my brother Allan?" She nodded. "Well, I used to really like you. And since he was my only older brother that lived in the house with me, I asked him what I could do to get you to like me. He said, 'Little Billie. If you want Lauren to love you, fuck her. If she screams she likes it. Do that all the time. Then eventually she'll fall for you.' And I believed him." I said, watching tears fall off the tip of my nose and onto her bed sheet.
"Oh my god Billie. I didn't know. I thought you were just being told by Al or someone to do it."
"Well no one did. Now please, can we try and be friends? It's ok if you say no. I mean, I hurt you."
Lauren nodded, and thought for a moment. "Billie Joe Armstrong." I nodded, waiting for more. "We used to be best friends. I mean I guess we can try. If you don't hurt me that is."
I nodded, and held out my hand. "Deal." I said.
Lauren looked a little regretful. "I promise I won't hurt you ever again." She looked down at her hands, thinking over what I just said. I heard little sobs coming form Lauren. "Why are you crying?" I asked, aware of the amount of concern in my voice.
"Billie Joe, you hurt me. Deep. I don't know if I can just start and be friends with you." I looked down at the ground, tears coming down harder than before.
"I'm sorry Lauren!! I really am. Please believe me. I swear. All I want is for my old life back."
"I do too, but you can't change the past." Lauren said, and left me sitting by her bed, crying.
