So Go Ahead and Kill Yourself! It All Amuses Me, chapter 7
Everyone's asleep. It's just me, sitting here waiting for my biological clock to tell me to go to sleep. Everyone has gone to bed and I'm the last one here. The living room is dark and giving out an air of gloominess. Mike's probably lying in my bed wondering where I am.
Out of the corner of my eye I can see the grandfather clock in the center of the room strike 1:00am, but I'm not tired. It's cold but I'm too wrapped up in my own thoughts to notice. I was thinking about what Tre and Mike had said. 'Is he really worried that I don't love him'. It doesn't feel like it.
I remember all the times I spent with my father when I was little, about the age of 3 and a half. Closing my eyes I reach inside the dusty memories trying to recover the good times I spent with just my dad and me.
flashback
The day is bright about midday if I remember correctly. Mini me is sitting on the small and shabby couch with cute little pink pig tails, jeans and a T-shirt waiting for my daddy to come back from the recording studio.
The TV is blaring out to itself. I wasn't paying it any attention; my eyes were fixed upon the front door intently. Occasionally my mum would step into the room mumbling something about dad not picking me up on time and making her late for work.
The door handle began to jingle and I knew my daddy was here. The door swung open and there was a younger version of my dad standing in the doorframe. In the distance I heard mummy cry out 'finally'. I jumped off of the couch to get to dad.
"There's my Tasha!" he cries out as he swoops towards me. I remember clambering up in to his strong arms and him showering my face with little kisses. I giggled constantly, so loudly that daddy nearly didn't hear mum giving him things to do while she was at work.
"How much did you miss me daddy?" I asked innocently. He held his hands the furthest apart that they could go "This much! Did you miss your daddy?"
I giggled shyly, lowered me head cheekily and shook it "No."
Billie Joe flew across the room and landed on the couch hiding his head under a cushion and pretending to weep "My own daughter doesn't miss me! I'm a failure as a Dad" Being little and inexperienced, I worried that I had actually hurt him. I stumbled over to him carefully trying not to make much noise.
I tapped him on the shoulder carefully "Daddy please don't cry! I missed you. I really did."
He glanced around at me carefully pretending to wipe at his eyes "Really?" I mimicked what my father had done "I missed you this much" He pulled me up onto the couch playfully and he began moving his fingers over my waist quickly, tickling me.
"So you did miss daddy." I started shrieking and giggling, trying to wriggle out of his firm grip and tickling fingers
"Yes!" His fingers continued their merciless movements.
"I can't hear you. So you did miss daddy!"
"YES!" Abruptly he stopped his assault, wrapped his arms around me and settled us onto the couch to watch cartoons
"Good."
Halfway into a show that I wasn't even bothering to watch, I cocked my head round trying to see my dad "Daddy?" He spun me around his arms so I'm facing him
"Yeah?"
"I love you." He placed a kiss on my forehead with a smile and a deep breath.
"I love you too, my baby girl." I snuggled further into his shoulder and fell asleep.
End Flashback
I grinned into the darkness remembering that day. There were so many others like it, but none too recently. A long and tiring yawn left my mouth before I could stop it. I chuckled to myself quite amused. "I guess its time I went to bed" I spoke to the seemingly empty room.
"Yes I think that's a good idea." I jumped from my position in the chair at the sudden sound of a voice in the room. I squinted my eyes in the darkness trying to see the speaker, even though I knew the voice. I caught a glimpse of the tall and lanky figure of Mike walking toward the light switch.
Without warning the room was flooded with bright light that stung my eyes. I hissed and moved my hands to my eyes trying to block out the intrusive brightness.
In my confused state I didn't notice Mike getting closer to the chair until he squeezed in and took my hands from my eyes. It wasn't as bright as before and I felt more comfortable.
I feel his breath of my face as he kisses my temple. "What were you doing sitting down here in dark?" he asks concerned. I sigh and snuggle into his warm embrace, suddenly feeling cold.
"I'm thinking about dad and the good times." I can feel him nod against me. "There still are good times ahead, come on you, lets get you to bed. Shall we?"
I yawn in response but that was all he needed. Gently and without any fuss he scoops me up into his arms and we make our way to my room.
I really enjoy the feeling of being carried. I closed my eyes and let the feeling of joy surround me, and my mind begins to wonder back to the other times with my father.
Flashback
It's nighttime and I'm sitting on the bench in my back garden with my dad looking at the stars. I remember this night it was 3 days before I had to leave for England. I'm six years old and trying at all costs to ignore my father's questioning eyes.
"Are you going to look at me?" he asks gently. I shake my head vigorously and continue staring at the stars. "Listen sweetie. I know that you don't wanna go but... " I've never been much good at giving people the cold shoulder. I swing round to glare at him and my small voice penetrates the air.
"Then Don't make Me!!" He sighs and tries to explain "I'm not making you... I don't want you to go either. I'd love to have you stay, but... " I take a huge sniff, showing him how upset he's made me.
"Then why can't I stay? Why can't I stay with you?!" I remember how much the fact that he shed no tears when I was crying a river hurt me.
"Your mummy needs you baby. I'm going on tour soon and I wouldn't be there. It wouldn't be fair on Adie to take care of you as well as Joey" He was probably making up excuses because he didn't want me there.
I clung onto his shirt and sobbed into it "PLEASE DADDY! I'll be extra good. I promise! I won't do bad stuff! Please daddy!"
He hugged me close to him. A tear slipped down his face but he wiped it away before I could see It. "I'm sorry Tasha! But you have to go with your mum" I shook my head and kept pleading with him "PLEASE! Is it something I did? Did I do something? Because if I did, I'll fix it! I promise I'll do better."
"Oh sweetie! You've done nothing wrong. I can't change your mums mind, you're moving to England" I shook my head violently and screamed loudly "NO! Don't you love me anymore daddy? Is that why I have to leave? Because you don't love me as much as Joey, Adie or the music." I ask innocently.
He gasps shocked at my question "No! I love you with all my heart, if I could do something to keep you with me I would do it" I rip away from his body vigorously and ran to the opposite end of the garden. Wiping the tears from my eyes I glare at him with all the hate my little body could muster.
"You Liar! You can do something, but you won't... and I hate you" I look up into his eyes to see shock, disbelief and a little desperation "You don't mean that baby girl" I stomp my feet angrily and shout at him "Don't call me baby girl! Only daddy calls me that and you're not my daddy anymore! I HATE YOU!"
He shook his head weakly and lowered himself from the bench onto the ground at my height level. "I know you love me baby. I'm still daddy. See. Come and give me a hug." He opened his arms wide in an inviting gesture. I didn't know that at the age of six I had so much anger.
"My daddy loves me, you don't. I hate you." He kept his arms out stretched, hoping.
"My daddy would let me stay with him, you're not. I hate you!" Tears reached his eyes as his arms faltered but only for a second.
"I HATE YOU!" I turned on my heel and ran up the steps and into the kitchen sobbing all the way. Mummy moved out to the door and looked at dad who arms had fallen from the air and had silent tears running down his face.
"What did you do Billie Joe?"
End Flashback
Remembering that certain event made me sad every single time I thought of it. I do love my dad and I can't believe I ever said that to him. I guess its true what some people say. In the face of despair you say things you don't mean out of desperation.
The day after that happened we made up and became like father and daughter again, although I always felt as if he never quite put what I said behind him. With the way I never see him it certainly seems like it.
Still happy to have Mike carrying me to bed, I take the time to look out around the surrounding area for something to interest me. We reached the top of the stairs and I asked Mike to stop. From where we were I had the perfect view of the stars out of the central window.
He glances at me curiously "Is there a reason we stopped here?" I nod absent mindedly "I want to look at the stars; they're so beautiful aren't they?"
I always look at the stars always. "Yeah, but they're not as beautiful as you." feeling my face begin to blush in the dim light at his flattering comment, I turn my attention back to the twinkling burning balls of gas. I remember when I first took an interest in the night sky.
Flashback
It was my 5th Birthday and I was on the roof with my fathers arms wrapped around me to stop any chance of me falling. We gazed into the distance not really paying the sky any attention. I was just happy to be in the arms of my daddy and have his attention fully for the first time since Adrienne and daddy said I was going to have a brother.
Grabbing my dad's hands I hold on tightly. "Did you have a good birthday sweetie?" I hold on more "Yep, it was good!" He sighs dramatically "Just good?" I nod my head defiantly grinning. "I'll show you just good. Come here, you." He pulled me towards him and gave me a gentle but playful noogie.
I push his arms away from my head to protect my hair "Dad!" I whined "You're messing up my hair!" He laughs loudly into the night "You sound just like me" sighing happily I squeeze dad's hand "Yeah I know" We sit in silence looking out and trying to spy on the neighbors.
We're slouching together "Dad?" I ask gently "Hmm?"
"We're buddies right?" He chuckles gently and grins "Right."
Growing confident, I ask the next question on my mind "We'll always be together, right?" Feeling dad shift to get into a sitting position I grip onto his arm tightly.
He sighs and looks up to the stars as if searching for an answer. "Tasha... Let me tell you something that my dad, your grandfather told me... Look at the stars" I raise my head gently and gaze up at the shining speckles dotted throughout the sky. I never really spent much time looking but in that moment I realized that they were special.
Dad caught my amazed face "They're beautiful, aren't they?" I nod not knowing what else to do. "The great people of the past watch us from those stars, just as my father looks down at you and me from them"
Feeling a great sense of protection and peacefulness, it's very inspiring "Really?" I ask slightly in awe.
"Yes... Always look to the stars Tasha, and whenever you feel alone, pick out a star, think of me and remember that those great people will always be there to guide you ... just as I will be"
End Flashback
Ever since that night, I always look to the stars when I'm alone, when I'm having trouble with writing a particular lyric or just thinking about life. I was jogged from those particular thoughts when Mike lifted me onto his shoulders and began walking to my room.
"Right. That's enough stargazing for you, missy. Bed Time." I giggle lightly at his caring, not minding at all that I had been taken from my star staring, as I like to call it. As if I weighed no more than a feather, he continued to carry me into my room and lay me gently under the covers.
Letting out a content sigh I pat the empty space on the bed expectantly. He didn't disappoint, Mike crawled into the bed stealthily and wrapped his arms around my waist, making me feel safe and secure.
Turning around in the bed, I rest my chin of his chest and listen to the beat of his heart. I know that beat so well, one of these days I'm going to write a song to it. Now I'm here and lying in my nice warm bed, I can't sleep. Funny isn't it. "Mike?" I whisper gently.
He groans lightly and I wonder is he asleep "Mike, are you awake?" He groans again and opens one eye "I am now. What's up?" I throw my head back rather violently against the pillow "I can't sleep."
He laughed despite himself "Yes, I gathered that seeing as you're awake, why can't you sleep?" I groan and knew I should really tell him "I'm an Insomniac." I see the surprise in his eyes "and I can't help feeling bad for making you feel bad."
Both his eyes are open now and he's looking at me with confusion "When did you make me feel bad?"
"How can you not know, okay. When you were upset that I'm gonna have less time with you because of the band" He looks down briefly, trying to avoid my eyes "Oh, well I'm okay with it now. I understand"
He looks rather hurt when I grin suddenly "You don't have to look so happy about it".
I sit up and turn to face him again rather abruptly "No, I forgot to tell you something." Looking curious, he tries to prompt me to say what I wanted to by squeezing my thigh gently. Giving a silent squeal I grab his hand tightly.
"We're moving to California, to get a better chance of a career!" It takes a moment for my announcement to sink in, when it did you knew it. He grabbed my hands and pulled me down on top of him, with a smile that reached from one cheek to the other. "Wow! That's fantastic honey. You'll be so much closer to us all. Where are you moving to?"
Leaning down I place a kiss just above his heart "Interscope records purchased a house for the band to live in, in Los Angeles" He groans as my mouth travels up to his ear, kissing all that I can reach. He pulls my head up so he can talk without moaning "That's not so far."
I nod and move in for a deep kiss "I know" Taking his arms gently, I use mine to pin his hands above his head. Attacking his chest with tongue, lips and teeth, he shudders "Oooo! I love you" Reaching for his pajama pants, I grin at him "I know... I love you too."
Out of the corner of my eye I can see the grandfather clock in the center of the room strike 1:00am, but I'm not tired. It's cold but I'm too wrapped up in my own thoughts to notice. I was thinking about what Tre and Mike had said. 'Is he really worried that I don't love him'. It doesn't feel like it.
I remember all the times I spent with my father when I was little, about the age of 3 and a half. Closing my eyes I reach inside the dusty memories trying to recover the good times I spent with just my dad and me.
flashback
The day is bright about midday if I remember correctly. Mini me is sitting on the small and shabby couch with cute little pink pig tails, jeans and a T-shirt waiting for my daddy to come back from the recording studio.
The TV is blaring out to itself. I wasn't paying it any attention; my eyes were fixed upon the front door intently. Occasionally my mum would step into the room mumbling something about dad not picking me up on time and making her late for work.
The door handle began to jingle and I knew my daddy was here. The door swung open and there was a younger version of my dad standing in the doorframe. In the distance I heard mummy cry out 'finally'. I jumped off of the couch to get to dad.
"There's my Tasha!" he cries out as he swoops towards me. I remember clambering up in to his strong arms and him showering my face with little kisses. I giggled constantly, so loudly that daddy nearly didn't hear mum giving him things to do while she was at work.
"How much did you miss me daddy?" I asked innocently. He held his hands the furthest apart that they could go "This much! Did you miss your daddy?"
I giggled shyly, lowered me head cheekily and shook it "No."
Billie Joe flew across the room and landed on the couch hiding his head under a cushion and pretending to weep "My own daughter doesn't miss me! I'm a failure as a Dad" Being little and inexperienced, I worried that I had actually hurt him. I stumbled over to him carefully trying not to make much noise.
I tapped him on the shoulder carefully "Daddy please don't cry! I missed you. I really did."
He glanced around at me carefully pretending to wipe at his eyes "Really?" I mimicked what my father had done "I missed you this much" He pulled me up onto the couch playfully and he began moving his fingers over my waist quickly, tickling me.
"So you did miss daddy." I started shrieking and giggling, trying to wriggle out of his firm grip and tickling fingers
"Yes!" His fingers continued their merciless movements.
"I can't hear you. So you did miss daddy!"
"YES!" Abruptly he stopped his assault, wrapped his arms around me and settled us onto the couch to watch cartoons
"Good."
Halfway into a show that I wasn't even bothering to watch, I cocked my head round trying to see my dad "Daddy?" He spun me around his arms so I'm facing him
"Yeah?"
"I love you." He placed a kiss on my forehead with a smile and a deep breath.
"I love you too, my baby girl." I snuggled further into his shoulder and fell asleep.
End Flashback
I grinned into the darkness remembering that day. There were so many others like it, but none too recently. A long and tiring yawn left my mouth before I could stop it. I chuckled to myself quite amused. "I guess its time I went to bed" I spoke to the seemingly empty room.
"Yes I think that's a good idea." I jumped from my position in the chair at the sudden sound of a voice in the room. I squinted my eyes in the darkness trying to see the speaker, even though I knew the voice. I caught a glimpse of the tall and lanky figure of Mike walking toward the light switch.
Without warning the room was flooded with bright light that stung my eyes. I hissed and moved my hands to my eyes trying to block out the intrusive brightness.
In my confused state I didn't notice Mike getting closer to the chair until he squeezed in and took my hands from my eyes. It wasn't as bright as before and I felt more comfortable.
I feel his breath of my face as he kisses my temple. "What were you doing sitting down here in dark?" he asks concerned. I sigh and snuggle into his warm embrace, suddenly feeling cold.
"I'm thinking about dad and the good times." I can feel him nod against me. "There still are good times ahead, come on you, lets get you to bed. Shall we?"
I yawn in response but that was all he needed. Gently and without any fuss he scoops me up into his arms and we make our way to my room.
I really enjoy the feeling of being carried. I closed my eyes and let the feeling of joy surround me, and my mind begins to wonder back to the other times with my father.
Flashback
It's nighttime and I'm sitting on the bench in my back garden with my dad looking at the stars. I remember this night it was 3 days before I had to leave for England. I'm six years old and trying at all costs to ignore my father's questioning eyes.
"Are you going to look at me?" he asks gently. I shake my head vigorously and continue staring at the stars. "Listen sweetie. I know that you don't wanna go but... " I've never been much good at giving people the cold shoulder. I swing round to glare at him and my small voice penetrates the air.
"Then Don't make Me!!" He sighs and tries to explain "I'm not making you... I don't want you to go either. I'd love to have you stay, but... " I take a huge sniff, showing him how upset he's made me.
"Then why can't I stay? Why can't I stay with you?!" I remember how much the fact that he shed no tears when I was crying a river hurt me.
"Your mummy needs you baby. I'm going on tour soon and I wouldn't be there. It wouldn't be fair on Adie to take care of you as well as Joey" He was probably making up excuses because he didn't want me there.
I clung onto his shirt and sobbed into it "PLEASE DADDY! I'll be extra good. I promise! I won't do bad stuff! Please daddy!"
He hugged me close to him. A tear slipped down his face but he wiped it away before I could see It. "I'm sorry Tasha! But you have to go with your mum" I shook my head and kept pleading with him "PLEASE! Is it something I did? Did I do something? Because if I did, I'll fix it! I promise I'll do better."
"Oh sweetie! You've done nothing wrong. I can't change your mums mind, you're moving to England" I shook my head violently and screamed loudly "NO! Don't you love me anymore daddy? Is that why I have to leave? Because you don't love me as much as Joey, Adie or the music." I ask innocently.
He gasps shocked at my question "No! I love you with all my heart, if I could do something to keep you with me I would do it" I rip away from his body vigorously and ran to the opposite end of the garden. Wiping the tears from my eyes I glare at him with all the hate my little body could muster.
"You Liar! You can do something, but you won't... and I hate you" I look up into his eyes to see shock, disbelief and a little desperation "You don't mean that baby girl" I stomp my feet angrily and shout at him "Don't call me baby girl! Only daddy calls me that and you're not my daddy anymore! I HATE YOU!"
He shook his head weakly and lowered himself from the bench onto the ground at my height level. "I know you love me baby. I'm still daddy. See. Come and give me a hug." He opened his arms wide in an inviting gesture. I didn't know that at the age of six I had so much anger.
"My daddy loves me, you don't. I hate you." He kept his arms out stretched, hoping.
"My daddy would let me stay with him, you're not. I hate you!" Tears reached his eyes as his arms faltered but only for a second.
"I HATE YOU!" I turned on my heel and ran up the steps and into the kitchen sobbing all the way. Mummy moved out to the door and looked at dad who arms had fallen from the air and had silent tears running down his face.
"What did you do Billie Joe?"
End Flashback
Remembering that certain event made me sad every single time I thought of it. I do love my dad and I can't believe I ever said that to him. I guess its true what some people say. In the face of despair you say things you don't mean out of desperation.
The day after that happened we made up and became like father and daughter again, although I always felt as if he never quite put what I said behind him. With the way I never see him it certainly seems like it.
Still happy to have Mike carrying me to bed, I take the time to look out around the surrounding area for something to interest me. We reached the top of the stairs and I asked Mike to stop. From where we were I had the perfect view of the stars out of the central window.
He glances at me curiously "Is there a reason we stopped here?" I nod absent mindedly "I want to look at the stars; they're so beautiful aren't they?"
I always look at the stars always. "Yeah, but they're not as beautiful as you." feeling my face begin to blush in the dim light at his flattering comment, I turn my attention back to the twinkling burning balls of gas. I remember when I first took an interest in the night sky.
Flashback
It was my 5th Birthday and I was on the roof with my fathers arms wrapped around me to stop any chance of me falling. We gazed into the distance not really paying the sky any attention. I was just happy to be in the arms of my daddy and have his attention fully for the first time since Adrienne and daddy said I was going to have a brother.
Grabbing my dad's hands I hold on tightly. "Did you have a good birthday sweetie?" I hold on more "Yep, it was good!" He sighs dramatically "Just good?" I nod my head defiantly grinning. "I'll show you just good. Come here, you." He pulled me towards him and gave me a gentle but playful noogie.
I push his arms away from my head to protect my hair "Dad!" I whined "You're messing up my hair!" He laughs loudly into the night "You sound just like me" sighing happily I squeeze dad's hand "Yeah I know" We sit in silence looking out and trying to spy on the neighbors.
We're slouching together "Dad?" I ask gently "Hmm?"
"We're buddies right?" He chuckles gently and grins "Right."
Growing confident, I ask the next question on my mind "We'll always be together, right?" Feeling dad shift to get into a sitting position I grip onto his arm tightly.
He sighs and looks up to the stars as if searching for an answer. "Tasha... Let me tell you something that my dad, your grandfather told me... Look at the stars" I raise my head gently and gaze up at the shining speckles dotted throughout the sky. I never really spent much time looking but in that moment I realized that they were special.
Dad caught my amazed face "They're beautiful, aren't they?" I nod not knowing what else to do. "The great people of the past watch us from those stars, just as my father looks down at you and me from them"
Feeling a great sense of protection and peacefulness, it's very inspiring "Really?" I ask slightly in awe.
"Yes... Always look to the stars Tasha, and whenever you feel alone, pick out a star, think of me and remember that those great people will always be there to guide you ... just as I will be"
End Flashback
Ever since that night, I always look to the stars when I'm alone, when I'm having trouble with writing a particular lyric or just thinking about life. I was jogged from those particular thoughts when Mike lifted me onto his shoulders and began walking to my room.
"Right. That's enough stargazing for you, missy. Bed Time." I giggle lightly at his caring, not minding at all that I had been taken from my star staring, as I like to call it. As if I weighed no more than a feather, he continued to carry me into my room and lay me gently under the covers.
Letting out a content sigh I pat the empty space on the bed expectantly. He didn't disappoint, Mike crawled into the bed stealthily and wrapped his arms around my waist, making me feel safe and secure.
Turning around in the bed, I rest my chin of his chest and listen to the beat of his heart. I know that beat so well, one of these days I'm going to write a song to it. Now I'm here and lying in my nice warm bed, I can't sleep. Funny isn't it. "Mike?" I whisper gently.
He groans lightly and I wonder is he asleep "Mike, are you awake?" He groans again and opens one eye "I am now. What's up?" I throw my head back rather violently against the pillow "I can't sleep."
He laughed despite himself "Yes, I gathered that seeing as you're awake, why can't you sleep?" I groan and knew I should really tell him "I'm an Insomniac." I see the surprise in his eyes "and I can't help feeling bad for making you feel bad."
Both his eyes are open now and he's looking at me with confusion "When did you make me feel bad?"
"How can you not know, okay. When you were upset that I'm gonna have less time with you because of the band" He looks down briefly, trying to avoid my eyes "Oh, well I'm okay with it now. I understand"
He looks rather hurt when I grin suddenly "You don't have to look so happy about it".
I sit up and turn to face him again rather abruptly "No, I forgot to tell you something." Looking curious, he tries to prompt me to say what I wanted to by squeezing my thigh gently. Giving a silent squeal I grab his hand tightly.
"We're moving to California, to get a better chance of a career!" It takes a moment for my announcement to sink in, when it did you knew it. He grabbed my hands and pulled me down on top of him, with a smile that reached from one cheek to the other. "Wow! That's fantastic honey. You'll be so much closer to us all. Where are you moving to?"
Leaning down I place a kiss just above his heart "Interscope records purchased a house for the band to live in, in Los Angeles" He groans as my mouth travels up to his ear, kissing all that I can reach. He pulls my head up so he can talk without moaning "That's not so far."
I nod and move in for a deep kiss "I know" Taking his arms gently, I use mine to pin his hands above his head. Attacking his chest with tongue, lips and teeth, he shudders "Oooo! I love you" Reaching for his pajama pants, I grin at him "I know... I love you too."
