Why Did I...?, chapter 1

I used to live for. Back then it seemed to calm me down and yet it drove so many insane, the worst thing is; that when I listen to it now it seems so unimportant, so strangely insignificant, but at the same time soothing to hear as a reminder of all the good that was in my life. I remember the beat of my heart that night; it seemed slow and steady but I knew in my deepest thoughts that it was racing, hammering against my ageing rib cage as if it was some kind of en-caged animal trying to escape.

The feeling of emptiness and rejection was overwhelming, that is why I did it, I mean they wouldn't have understood what I was going through, none of them, not even Alexis, no, not even my best friend who I couldn't keep but one secret from. I feel so unclean now; as though no matter how many times I wash the dirt off my hands, the betrayal will never leave, never wipe the slate and let me move on.

All my life I convinced myself that I had been lent it for a reason but it was a life that was placed in hell so that I would suffer, but I was wrong, you see where I am now is hell, burning, lustful hell. Well, You know how the bible and religious people say that hell is a place of torture? Well their right but not the type of torture you'd think of straight away, it's the lustful, desirable, seductive type of torture that drives you to near insanity.

When I got here the devil himself looked upon me in a discontented manner as
he showed me a type of old fashioned television, at first I pondered on the idea of switching it on, before he convinced me to. I saw my family and friends mourning my death as if they were bereaving the loss of a loved one, but they didn't love me. At that point I thought that maybe they were just trying to make god misjudge their appearance, fool him into thinking that they missed me so that they could get wealth and all the happiness they would ever need. But to my disappointment and my uncontrollable regret they didn't try to fool God, it even seemed as if, no wait they really do, they do indeed miss me more and more each second, but they can't! They don't! They love all things expect for me. It was always that way all through my life, they hated me but now I'm dead they decide to love me again. They now love me as they did when I was no more then a week old.

When I was alive I remember them praying to God asking for forgiveness and to make sure my brother grew up happily, well I think I ruined that for them. Back then it seemed as if I was invisible, well not literally but the way that they treated me was really bad, either they ignored me or they beat me until I could hardly stand. The thought that they did love me with all their hearts never really crossed my mind. Most of the time they loved my brother Dave more than me but that didn't really bother me to that extent because most of the time I loved him more then them anyway. Unfortunately, when I think back I ask myself; should I have done it? Or should I have left fate to do its worst? Maybe if I had tried a little harder at life, perhaps if they realized what they were doing to my mind things would be different, what if I didn't do this, then would it be different or would it still be like it was then.

One thing lingers in my mind, one horrible thing that makes me feel so guilty almost every night. The memory of when my brother Dave and my best friend Alexis got together and read out a poem they had found on the Internet that they thought linked to me, it was a written man called 'David Morris'. They read it to the whole of my school in assembly because they felt the school should know what I had been though. It will never leave my mind, it keeps repeating like a broken record in my head:

Site info | Contact | F.A.Q. | Privacy Policy

2024 © GeekStinkBreath.net
Register