All By Myself, All On My Own, chapter 30
Only a little while later had me and Tre dared to go over to the other room. Tre unlocked the door to his room and walked inside me at his heels. Billie Joe had migrated from the chair to his own bed. Mike was on his own bed looking out the window of the balcony door. I couldn't help but feel bad for Mike. He had left someone he really liked and something had happened which was making both of them feel worse along with Billie Joe not helping him with his problem at all and rather making it worse by just ignoring his best friend and then he had to make it worse seeing me and Tre only minutes before. I wanted to just go over to him and throw my arms around him but he didn't want to be ear me because he didn't want to say anything that may tell me what had happened. All I could do right now was stick with Tre and not get involved anymore on their problems than I already was. I took a seat on the couch next to Tre trying not to look at anyone else in the room and stay focused on what was happening to me. I wasn't sure why exactly we were here but I wasn't going to complain at all. I looked around the boring room for anything to study and keep me occupied but all the pictures and paintings and everything else was the same as it had always been. I curled into a ball just bored and confused. I watched eagerly for something to happen and something to do but Mike still sat on his bed his back to us looking out into the blank sky. The sun was going down and every minute the room grew darker. Billie Joe lye awake in his bed breathing shallowly his eyes staring up at the ceiling not showing any emotion. I felt horrible for having to be here at this moment. I felt strongly that this was my fault. I was holding back my thoughts and feelings the best I could but I could only tell that soon I was going to snap back to reality and go as insane as by now all my friends believed I was. I couldn't take the pressure of sitting here in silence while two of my friends were mad at each other and Tre and I had just been more embarrassed than ever and were now being ignored completely. Okay now I had lost it. I stood up and walked out the door. I wasn't going to take this anymore. As I left Mike's sad eyes turned in my direction then looked away back out the window. Instead of going into my own room I dug out the key to James's room which since his death I had been carrying with me everywhere and I walked inside slamming the door behind me. This sudden rush of anger wasn't normal for me but feeling left out of things after all that had happened just didn't seem right and I had to get away where no one would come bursting in on me. I collapsed on the bed looking around at the horrible state the room was in. The housekeeper had refused to come in here and clean. It was just too bad to go near and it was all James's things and was to be remained untouched by others. I picked up a messy shirt that had been tossed over the armchair and clutched to it like it was a precious childhood memory that wasn't going to be left unforgotten. I would do anything to see him again. I curled up on the end of the bed the shirt still in my hands being held to me. I closed my eyes feeling a single hot tear roll down my cheek. It was a bad idea to have come here. It brought back too many memories. I no longer cared about the secret I just wanted James back. I stood up again and walked over to the table where papers were spread out across the surface almost untouched. I took a seat in the small chair and shuffled through the loose sheets until under them all I saw a small black book. It didn't look too old but I had seen this book before. At James's house in his bedroom I spotted it but he had forbidden me to ever open it. I picked it up the cover slightly torn in the corner and his name was scribbled across the cover in marker. I flipped open to the first page and noticed the date May 23, 1984 written neatly in cursive on the top right corner. This was years ago. James was only seven in this year. I scanned over the page. "Today in school my teacher asked me to read aloud three pages of our book and I messed up because Carrie kept laughing with her friends. I couldn't help but start laughing but my teacher yelled at me and made me sit out in the hall until I could stop. She is so mean to me. As I sat there though a little girl in kindergarten was walking through the halls with her friend. She was nice for a girl. Turns out she will be my new neighbor. After school we played outside in her backyard with her friend Key. Her name is Kiki. My little brother was so annoying though and wouldn't let me stay. My mom told me I had to come back before dark but when Tony got punched by my new friend... he really deserved it for picking on her and he's the same age as her. My mom isn't letting me play with her for a while. It's okay though. I still see her on the playground at school. Tony is afraid of her now but is stuck in the same class as her. There will only be three more weeks of second grade until summer. I can't wait." I read to myself. I hardly remember that day. It was one day before my birthday that I had met them. His younger brother Tony is still scared of me but not as bad as he used to. I wiped more tears from my eyes and took the book over to the bed once again to read more. I couldn't help myself. James was gone and this would tell me his true feelings about everything that had happened. After Kindergarten I don't think I saw him again until around seventh grade.
***
About two hours had gone by since I had found the little book. The clock hanging on the wall rang at midnight. I was only half way through the book and had dozed off now and then. I closed the book up and sat up straight looking around the room. The only light was that of the small lamp over the headboard that I had been reading by. I scratched at my eyes sleepily and stood up wobbly. I walked out into the hallway and into my own room. I slammed the door behind me and collapsed on the couch falling back asleep the book slipping from my hands as I drifted away growing weak and calm.
***
I woke up in the morning face down in drool. I pulled away feeling the wetness on my cheek. I wiped it off on my shirt and looked around my eyes in a daze and my vision blurry. I pulled some hair from my mouth that was now sticky. I stood up cautiously and walked into the bathroom to take a shower. I stood in the warm water as it beat down on me washing away all trace of sleepiness in me. Through the pitter-patter of the falling water I thought I heard a door open in the background. I wasn't sure if I was hearing things or not. I turned down the water pressure and stuck my head out of the curtain and listened. Nothing. I must have been imagining it. I finished up my shower and wrapped my robe around me. "Shit I forgot to bring in my clothes." I mumbled to myself. I opened the door and walked out lazily. As I walked into the main room I noticed Tre sitting on the couch. Really I didn't care after all he is pretty much always here these days. It wasn't until I noticed the book in his hands that I was mad at him. I ran over and snatched the book from him. "NO!" I shouted as I took it and looked at his face. "What? Something you don't want me to see?" He said confused about this. "Yeah, this is James's journal. You can't read it. I'm not even supposed to." I said calming down and setting the book down on the glass coffee table. "But you were, weren't you? So what's the big deal that I can't read it?" He said reaching for it again but I grabbed his wrist. "Please Tre, no." I said letting go again and walking over to the closet. He sat there, arms crossed, his eyes not leaving the sight of the little black book sitting in front of him. I grabbed some clothes and walked back into the bathroom to change. When I came out Tre still sat there staring blankly at the book. Much calmer now than I was before I took a seat next to him and grabbed the book off the table. "Sorry I yelled. This journal though, it just means so much to me right now though." I sighed flipping through the pages. In the bottom corner I watched as the page numbers grew higher until they reached the end of the book. I held to it by its spine flipping my wrist with it for no reason. I just had to do something so I wouldn't get bored. Tre watched the book move back and forth as I flung it around. I leaned forward to set the book back down when a small slip of paper fell from the pages. I bent down and picked it up off the ground. It was a photo taken of us. We were only teenagers. In the picture we were so happy, standing in front of the school. It was the year he had graduated. I felt tears come to my eyes looking at this and Tre seemed to understand how I felt. I rubbed my eyes on my sleeve and let the picture fall away from my grasp. I curled into a ball and buried my face into my knees. I didn't want Tre to see me like this. It seemed to happen so much lately I couldn't bare it anymore. I felt warmer as Tre put his arms around me calmly humming a tune. What was wrong with him?!? I miss the old Tre. The happy-go-lucky guy that I fell in love with a long while back. Now I just wished he would leave me alone before I beat his face in like Mark had done. I pushed him off of me grabbed the book and picture once again and ran out of the room. Tre chased after me but realized I had gone into James's room again. For now this boring and messy hotel room was my sanctuary. At least until the end of the month when I would go back home. I sat on the end of the bed and opened the book up to where I had left off. "June 15, 1991. Today I met back up with my old neighbor. After that fight between our parents years ago she had moved down on the other side of town. We still go to the same school but I haven't seen her since I was in 3rd grade. She is just the same as she always has been. Much prettier now though. I think I really like her but I'm not sure how to get her attention you know? She probably won't even remember me. It was in kindergarten that she moved and we haven't seen each other since. She's 14 now. I missed her birthday. Anyway my mom has forgotten all about her so maybe if I am able to talk to her we will be able to hang out without being yelled at. I can't wait for tomorrow. Tony broke his arm today when he crashed into the ditch on his bike and we had to take him to the hospital. He keeps wining and crying but I know he is in no pain he just wants people to give him attention. That show-off. Dad is home from work. He has a week off before he goes back to college. Only 1 more year before he gets out. It will be good to see him more often. He says his roommate is a jerk but they won't let him get a new room. Anyway Saturday is my cousin's birthday and I don't know what to get her. I was thinking a CD. She is always listening to her music." The page ended there. I flipped to the next page but that was it. Wow. I never really looked at it from his point of view on me. He had never forgotten me, he just didn't have the courage to talk to me.
***
There was a loud knocking on the door. "Kiki, please, come out!" Tre shouted in to me. "What's wrong?" He said again. I could tell he was desperate for me to come out. By now he was probably getting sick of yelling at me or trying to calm me down. "Tre! Just go away! I need some time alone!" I said sadly back to him choking on my words. I went over to the door and pressed my forehead against it waiting for him to speak again. "Kiki, what's wrong? I know you're upset about James but why are you secluding yourself from your friends? We want to help you." He sighed on the other side of the locked door. "Tre if I could tell you I would." I sobbed. I gripped the handle tightly ready to open the door and let him in but I couldn't find myself to do it. I let out another soft cry. What was I doing? Why was I being like this lately? I let go of the knob and backed away. "Kiki!" Tre shouted in noticing the long silence and the door handle shake from me letting go. "What is wrong!?!" He shouted getting worried. "Nothing Tre! I'll see you later but for now I need some time alone!" I yelled at him and went back over to the bed closing my eyes. I just wanted some peace and quiet.
***
I read the book a while longer then went out and sat on the cement floor of the balcony looking out over the city. The busy afternoon streets were jammed with traffic with people going to lunch from work and visiting from the airport and getting home from short days of work and ending shifts. Others going back to work for the second shift. The people below and in the long crowded streets seemed so happy. It made me mad at the thought that all these people were enjoying themselves while I lived this nightmare, which shouldn't be happening. The breeze blew around me sending chills through my spine. I squinted at the brightness of the day. I leaned my back against the glass door. I closed my eyes keeping myself calm. I opened them again to the slide of a door. I looked over through the guardrail bars out at the other balcony next to me where Mike stepped out of the building into the fresh air. I didn't dare look at him. He would just ignore me and go back inside. I wasn't so eager to know what the news was. I knew I wouldn't be told until I saw Key so it was no use trying. I looked the other way but talking to him was very tempting. I gave up quickly. "Mike... " I started unsure how to end my sentence. "I'm... sorry." I said looking at him then away again. This was probably the wrong thing to say but it's the most I could at the moment. "For what?" He said looking at me and catching my eye before I could turn back again. I sighed and tried to think of why I was sorry. There were so many reasons. "I don't know... everything... " I said feeling miserable inside but knew it was a good thing I was speaking to him again. He didn't answer very quickly. He looked around as if making sure no one was looking and finally spoke when he was positive we were the only people out on the balconies or in earshot of what he had to say. "You shouldn't feel sorry. It's not your fault all this happened." He said trying to make me feel better. "But it is! If I didn't like you guys I would have never gotten tickets from James to go to your concert and I would have never met you and Mark wouldn't have tried to kill us all and Key and Jake would be happy and I would be at home with James and never would have fallen in love with Tre and we wouldn't have to leave here at the end of the month and that secret of yours would have never happened and it is all my fault that all this shit happened and I don't want anyone to tell me it's not because I know it is and... " I said quickly running out of breath as I went. "Calm down... its okay Kiki really, this isn't your fault anymore than it is anyone else's. You just happen to fit into the story better but if Kilana had never met Mark than he would never have been after us and none of this would have happened." He said trying to make this all sound better but it didn't. Now he was just saying that it was Key and Mark's fault and that Jake shouldn't have been born and that just wasn't right. "Don't say that Mike, it's not Key's fault." I said quietly actually trying not to be heard. I didn't want to face the fact that he was right in a way. "Kiki, if you're going to try and fight with me I am leaving but... " "I'm not Mike, stay please." I said. I didn't want him to leave and ignore me again. He was talking to me and this is how I wanted it to be. I was trying to figure things out on my own for a long time but now I realize I needed help with this and couldn't do it all by myself. It was already killing me to know that in only three more days I would be leaving this damned hotel. Songs ran through my head every second I thought and I forced them back. All the songs were jumbled together playing at the same time driving me crazy. I really had nothing else to say to Mike but I didn't want to be alone and Tre would just make me feel worse somehow. Mike was already mad and confused and I wanted Billie Joe to talk to but he wasn't here at the moment. Feeling better than yesterday he went down into the lobby for breakfast and some quiet. I looked back at Mike. He was leaning on his elbows on the railing looking out to the sky. His tall thin figure was all I could really see from the shine of the morning sun. I uncurled from my nice warm ball and stood up. I felt fairly cold no longer curled up by the floor where the wind couldn't get me as easily. I wanted to go inside. How could Mike stand being out here in a pair of light pants and a tank top when I was freezing in a pair of jeans and a hoody. I folded my arms and pulled my hood up over my head shielding my eyes from the sun. The air was actually warm but that wind was bone chilling. "You cold?" Mike laughed at me for what I was doing. "Yeah... I'm going inside... you wanna come over here?" I asked sliding open the glass door. "No, maybe later... " He said doing the same and we both walked inside. The room inside felt much warmer compared to outside.
***
I picked up the little book and went over to my own room. Tre was half asleep on the couch waiting for me to come back. I had hurt him leaving like I did and I needed some space. The picture of me and James was in my pocket with my secret picture. I took a seat next to him shaking him awake. Tre lifted his head and looked around. "Sorry for that Tre." I said trying my best to show a smile to tell him I was okay now. He eyed the book in my hand but was too nervous to ask about it. "Tre you know you can't see it... " I started. "Even if I would let you... " I said. This made no sense to either him nor me but it was true. I studied the ripped corner of the book in my hands. This book was old I could tell by the dates and writing inside but just looking at it, it didn't seem too old at all... it was in such good shape except for the rips it almost looked new. Tre was unsure what to say afraid I would throw another tantrum. The powerful urge to lash out at someone still was inside me from the time I had woken up in the middle of the night angry and scared. I still remember that. I was hot and had a desire to get my revenge on Mark but I had calmed down slightly and was able to continue sleeping but since then I have never felt the same. I always had this emotion welling up inside me and this is why I know one of these days I'm finally going to snap and someone I care about will get hurt. I just hoped that day wouldn't come soon. I opened the book up to the page where I had left off. The page was sloppily written as if he was in a hurry or couldn't hold still from excitement. "Today is my 18th birthday and Kiki and I are hanging out for the day. I finally had the guts to talk to her last year and since then we have been spending almost every day together. It is only 12:00 right now and Kiki should be arriving soon. I woke up only an hour ago. Key and Mark were in a fight the other day. Mark was upset about something that he thought was her fault. Don't expect me to know at the moment I am trying my best to stay uninvolved. I think Kiki is right about Mark being a jerk and isn't good for Kilana but Key refuses to listen to her warnings about him... " I read through until I noticed Tre was looking over my shoulder. I closed the book but left my thumbs between the pages so I could find my place again when I opened it back up. "(Same Day) Me and Kiki just got back from the mall. She got me the new Green Day CD... Dookie... She loves them... I think she's getting me hooked as well... She also got me a T-shirt that I had picked out. Since we met a few months ago we have been spending a lot of time together... I really like her but I don't think she remembers me that well from Kindergarten... when I met her she had no idea who I was... I never forgot her though. I can't wait until I graduate in two months. It will be so exciting for me. My mother wants me to go off to college and I kinda want to but I'm afraid that if I do I will be separated from my new friends and I can't take that since the closest college to us is about a four hour drive away. Next year I plan to move from this boring home of New York and head down to Florida with Kiki and Key... Mark is coming too but really I hope he boards the wrong plan at take-off... Kiki will be finishing the remainder of her school years in Florida which really will only be one year since she is at the moment finishing up 10th grade and next year will be on 11th and that year in the summer we will head down to our new home so... only her 12th year of school will be in a new place to her. I am so excited to get my own house. And with Kiki and Kilana only down the road instead of across town things will be a lot easier. Hopefully." The page ended... Tre was once again over my shoulder and I closed the book on him. "Hey!... It was just getting good... " He said looking away then back at me with an evil grin slapped across his face. I was a little freaked out by this yet found it a little funny at the same time. I put the book behind me. "What?" I asked a little worried not about what he may do but about how I may react to this.
***
Tre luckily had stopped not too long after it had started. He seemed almost afraid to continue and with these people constantly bursting in on you I don't really blame him but... just his reaction to all this... when he realized what was actually going on he seemed like he just shouldn't... like I was too fragile to touch... it was weird... I have never met anyone who reacted the way he had just done and I had never know anyone to do that. The change in his mood so drastically reminded me of Mike's how he was happy and then... I asked him if he was okay... and... he got mad... could there be some type of connection between these two scenarios or am I just talking to myself about nothing important and things that don't make sense?
***
I felt really weird about what had happened only about 15 minutes ago between me and Tre. I sat there on the couch my drawing pad in my lap and pencil in my hand. I bit the eraser whilst thinking about how I'm going to draw this point in time. What had just happened was definitely something I had to remember but how was I going to draw it out without it looking too slashy I mean we didn't go that far yet we did get a little farther than we had ever before. I drew the picture but wouldn't show Tre. It wasn't a special picture like the one that still traveled in my pocket but I still didn't want Tre to see it. Mike came over not too much longer taking a seat on my other side. He didn't seem so afraid to talk to me anymore and less upset about whatever had happened between him and my best friend. I had drawn four more pictures after that and then put the book down on the table. Tre tried to grab it to see the picture but I put my feet up resting my heels on the cover. Mike seemed bored out of his mind but I was unsure about what could cheer him up. I leaned against Tre calmly. Mike seemed to stare out into open space. "Mike... are you alright?... what's wrong?... " I asked quietly. "I can't tell you... you know that I can't tell you... " He responded still lost in thought. "I'm not asking you to tell me your stupid secret just how am I supposed to cheer you up? You know I hate seeing my friends mad... is there any way you will feel better by the end of today?" I asked grabbing his hand. He didn't blink... he still looked out into the open as if not knowing we were here. "I don't know... maybe... " He said more to himself. He looked at me kindly and let out a weak smile his eyes still showing the sadness of a little boy who's pet just died. "Mike... " I whined pulling myself from Tre. I threw my arms around him and held onto him. He seemed quite calm by this. Not shocked or anything... almost like he was expecting this to happen. I had to reach further to get my arms around him because he was so much taller than Tre. I felt him slowly get used to me and return the hug. Where was Billie Joe? It had been about four hours since he had gone down to the lobby. Maybe he was back up in his hotel room and just didn't want to come. I pulled out of Mike's grip who at the moment was squeezing me and I just hung loosely there unable to get away. I fell back into Tre as I pulled away. I gave him a weak smile. "Sorry about that." I said to both of them. Mike, for pulling away from him so quickly and Tre for falling into him like I had done. Mike gave a small smile back in embarrassment. I couldn't help but giggle at how red he was turning. Tre didn't notice though and took the fact I was laying on him for granted and put his arms around me resting his chin on the top of my head. I felt myself turn a little red for a moment until Mike started to reach across the table towards James's journal. "NO!" I shouted pulling off of Tre and grabbing Mike's wrist. He looked at me shocked. "What? I was just getting the TV guide." He said a little confused pulling out of the grip I loosely had on him. "Sorry. Thought you were getting something else." I said in even more humiliation. Mike took the paper back book in discomfort from my sudden reaction and leaned back to look through. I felt ashamed now. I leaned back as well curled up comfortably yet awkwardly between the two guys. You know... since me and Tre got 'together' I haven't been referring to them as Green Day... but... my friends instead. There was a knock on the door within the next few minutes that we sat there just looking at each other blankly and watched Mike scan over all the pages. I got up and walked over to the door. I opened it to see one of the housekeepers standing there. The neighbor's cat in her hands. "Zis' your kitty?" She said rudely. I opened my mouth to speak but before I could make words she continued. "You no zere' is a no pet policy at zis' 'otel!" She said. "Well it's not my cat! Try across the hall." I said ready to shut the door but I glanced Billie Joe walking down the hall towards me. "Everything okay?" He asked when he reached me and the bitch standing in front of my door holding the neighbor's cat. "Fine." I said letting out a week smile and stepping aside so Billie could come in. I slammed the door behind me in the face of the housekeeper and walked back over to the couch. "What was that all about?" Tre asked sliding over a little so I could take my seat back on the couch. "She thought that that stupid cat is ours." I said trying to sound annoyed but I wasn't really, I was just bored. I closed my eyes for a second as I let out sigh. I pushed back my hair back behind my ears. I miss Key. "Well, what are we going to do today?" I asked trying my best to sound excited about today but there was no reason too. I would only be with these guys a few more days and that powerful urge in me for revenge was growing stronger and I actually was beginning to feel it ready to explode in me. Billie Joe seemed a lot happier than he had been yesterday which was very good... I think. I looked around for my words. I needed something to say that would make everyone happier. I was just about to say something when I noticed the coffee table. The journal was gone. "Tre... give it back." I said not mad but just tired of having to yell at him all the time. Tre lifted himself from his seat and dug in between the cushions to pull out the book in which he had been sitting on. He handed it over and I set it back down on the table. "What's the deal with the diary?" Mike asked now knowing what I was trying to prevent him from grabbing earlier when he was getting the TV guide. "It's James's journal." I said depressed. Mike said no more now knowing why I had made such a big deal about everyone not seeing it. "So... how... about... we... go... um... hmm... to... the... store... or... the... park?" Billie Joe suggested slowly as if thinking through exactly how to put his idea into a sentence. "O... kay... " I said making fun of how he had spoken. He stood up and stretched. Mike and I following his lead. Tre just sat there though like he had no idea what we were talking about. "Come on Tre." I laughed a little grabbing his hand and pulling his butt off the couch. I pretty much dragged him out of the hotel room. I shut the door behind me and we made our way to the end of the hall and down the stairs into the lobby. The floor had been cleaned not too long ago and was still a little wet in places and it was so shiny it was like a mirror. Tre looked at his reflection on the floor as we walked out the double doors into the hot air of the parking lot.
***
It took us about ten minutes to walk to the park. Other than us it was very empty today. Mike took a seat on the bench under a tall oak tree and Billie Joe fell backwards into the freshly cut grass. I rolled onto the ground with him leaving Tre to think for himself. He jumped into the grass with us only seconds later. I stared up at the bright blue sky where soft white fluffs of cloud were passing overhead. "Come on Mike!" Tre laughed sitting up and grabbing Mike by the ankle trying to pull him off into the grass with the rest of us. He gave up a minute when he finally realized the Mike was holding on with all his strength to the back of the wooden bench which was now tipping from being pulled by Tre. While Tre fought with Mike to get him down I decided to talk to Billie Joe. "Where were you all morning?" I asked him before lightly kicking Tre's side with my heel to make him let go of Mike again and fall onto his back. "I was down in the lobby but I had to go get something for Tre after breakfast." He said. "Something for ... Tre?" I asked confused. What did Tre want him to get that he couldn't go get himself? "Yeah. You know he wanted me to get something." He said again rolling over and grabbing a handful of grass then rolling onto his other side to face me and dropped the grass by my arm. "Actually I have no idea what you are talking about." I said. "Of course you don't. It was Tre that wanted to get it not you." He said simply rolling onto his back again and once again looking up at the sky. Tre and Mike seemed a lot quieter now. I looked down at them to see Mike laying face down into the ground and Tre face up his hand over his mouth muffling his laughter. I sat up and lay back down again on my stomach facing Tre and Mike now. "What did you do?" I laughed at the site of Mike who still hadn't moved since he fell off the bench. "Nothing I just pulled him off the bench and he fell into the dirt." Tre giggled. I reached over and pushed Mike's shoulder slightly as if checking if he was still alive. "Hmm... " He mumbled into the dirt laughing a little as well. He lifted his head showing blades of grass stuck to his face making Tre laugh harder. I put my face into my hands at how pathetic all this was. It was time consuming and entertaining though. I looked around at the large empty hills of the park. The sidewalk could be seen stretched across the landscape to the playground. Along the way were the swings... the fountains, benches and long rows of tall trees that were like walking through small wooded areas. Tall lights were on each side of the concrete path all the way. As we lay in the tall grass songs played in my mind over and over. It started out as Homecoming but by the time the song goes... 'Here they come marching down the street like a desperation murmur of a heartbeat coming back from the edge of town underneath their feet' I went to... 'Storming through the party like my name was El Ninio. When I'm hangin' out drinking in the back of an El Camino, As a kid, I was a skid and no one knew me by name. I trashed my own house party cause nobody came. I know I'm not the one you thought you knew back in high school' which is the beginning to the song Fat Lip by Sum 41. Then it started to go into 'Helena' by My Chemical Romance. I closed my eyes trying to get the songs to shut up but they wouldn't go away. This always happens and I can't stand it. I opened my eyes again and tried to continue blocking out the songs. "Race you to the swings." Tre said pushing my shoulder and taking off towards the swings. "Wait what?" I said not catching his challenge. "Get going Kiki!" Mike laughed pushing me. I stumbled to my feet and took off after Tre. He was pretty slow to tell you the truth. I caught up with him no problem. "Hi Tre!" I laughed as I ran along side him. "Hey! How did you... ?" He started but I didn't answer and ran past him jumping at the pole of the swing set and flung myself around it to stop myself. Tre came up right behind me collapsing into on of the swings tired out and breathing heavy. "Tre you owe both me and her twenty bucks!" Mike laughed running up behind us. "What?" I asked looking at Tre who was still trying to catch his breath. "Yeah Tre bet us both that he could beat you and he lost so cough it up." Mike laughed holding out his hand. "Sorry, don't have forty bucks on me at the moment." Tre said. "That's okay Tre." I smiled taking a seat on the other swing. I started kicking my feet until I got high enough for me to jump off and of course I did so landing a few feet away in the grass right in front of Billie Joe who had just realized where we had all gone. "I bet you ten dollars I can jump farther than you." Tre laughed getting his swing higher. "Tre, you keep betting like this and you are going to go broke." I said not moving from my landing spot. He jumped off landing almost even with me but when his legs gave out from the land he fell forward and won. "No fair it should be based on where your feet hit not where your head does." I laughed falling to my knees to check if Tre was okay from smashing his head into the ground. He got up quickly a little light headed but he seemed fine. I fell back from him going from on the ground to standing up so quickly. Billie Joe let out a quiet laugh behind me. I couldn't help but laugh along with him. It probably did look pretty funny from his point of view. I pulled back my hair into a ponytail so it wouldn't get in my face at all when we continued terrorizing the equipment at the park.
***
All this today seemed to keep Mike's mind off of whatever it was that was bringing him down but now my mind was being weighed down with even more things. I remembered the time Tre had ran off without the guys and lied to get out of all the pressure but why had he really come back here? And now Billie Joe had to go out on the town to get something for Tre? Kilana wasn't talking to me and Mike was upset for who knows why and I found James's journal, which really is a record of his life from his point of view and I missed him now more than ever. I was now and then having these cravings for revenge which were getting stronger and really starting to scare me and we never did find out what had ever happened to our car after James's was killed and Mark was in jail and would never talk to us. I was learning more about James than I had ever known before and I was feeling emotions I had never had before. Jake would be starting school in only three months for his first year, Tre was starting to feel rejected by me, Billie Joe just always seemed to be in a bad mood, he misses his wife and kids, Tre is nervous about me because lately I've been hiding so much from him, and I just wanted to die from all the pressure of the fact I would be going home in only a few days and possibly never see these guys, my new friends, again. I think that pretty much sums it all up. We left the park a while later. Tre almost tipped over the swing set when he went to jump off but couldn't find himself to let go of the chains.
***
As we walked through the city streets to our next destination we were caught in a huge down poor. Which left us running through the streets until we reached FYE. As we ran down through the town in the heavy rain we splashed through the puddles along the way making us wetter. We entered the large open building and got out of the rain. As we stood in the doorway I tried my best to squeeze out all the water from my hoody but it just left it in a crinkled wet mess. I pulled my sweatshirt over my head and tied it around my waist leaving me in my tank top and soggy jeans. The cold rain left me feeling like a Popsicle without my hoody on me. Though it probably wouldn't do any good being so wet. I squeezed the water out of my hair making it curl on the ends slightly but much dryer feeling. The music store was packed with chattering people staying out of the rain. They were all crowded together to fit in and yet let lookers in as well. The place was air conditioned because until it rained the day was really hot but now it just made me colder. I crossed my arms and tapped my heel on the ground as I tried to get warm. Over the loud talking around us I could hear the faint song of Holiday coming over the loud speakers in each corner of the building. "Typical." I said at this. I liked this song sure, but it just got way overplayed and to tell the truth I was getting sick of hearing it everywhere I went. "What?" Billie Joe said not noticing the music over the constant talking. "Listen." I said my teeth clicking from my quivering jaw. He gave a weak smile signaling that he could hear it and I just rolled my eyes at this. "What? How was I supposed to know Holiday would be such a big hit? The guys' once spiked hair was now matted down from being pelted with the falling rain. Tre's shirt was so wet it actually folded on him showing every curve of his body making him look quite uncomfortable. Mike stood right behind me and I could hear him shivering. We were so cold we forced ourselves through the crowd but not trying to draw any attention. After all this was Green Day walking through one of the most crowded and busy places in the city at the moment. We made it to the back of the building where there were much less people. Most of them were just standing by the door waiting for it to stop raining. Billie Joe worked at his hair trying to get it to stand up more like it had once done. Even without gel he managed to get it up from the wetness. While we were back there we might as well look around. After all that was why we were there. I dug through the rows of CDs looking for anything good. "Ha!" I said in victory. "What?" Mike asked confused. "I found it." I said holding up a CD. "Found what?" Tre asked coming closer to see. "Nimrod." I said. "So?" Billie Joe said confused. It's not like it was that big a deal. "So... it's the only Green Day CD I don't have yet." I said pulling $15 out of my pocket and pushing through the crowd up to the counter to buy it. I came back a minute later with a small back hanging off my right arm. "You guys find anything good?" I asked walking back over to the shelf and starting to look through the stuff I had left off at. "Nothing really. Looks like it sold out of most of the good stuff." Tre said bored. "Look." I said grabbing another CD from the rack. "What now?" Mike said walking over. Billie Joe followed and the three guys were crowded around me to see what I was trying to show them. "It's Shelflife. I kinda grew up with the leader of the band. My older brother always had friends over at my house when he was a teen. And I was a little kid. He always used to play music and our place was like his second home and when I was about ten he started a band." I said looking over the CD. "I was never allowed to listen to their music because I was too little. The parental advisories are for ages 18 and over but now I have the CD back at home and I could finally listen to my brother's best friend. We don't see too much of him any more but he has hardly changed since when he was just starting out." I laughed a little. I set the CD back on the shelf. "They played at a lot of school dances... then they started touring. It's hard to believe that the leader used to be the wimpy little boy that kept getting beat up by younger girls. My bro always had to stick up for him because he wouldn't fight for himself. Now he's in one of New York's biggest bands." I ended feeling a little sad. All my brother's friends pretty much lived at our house and now I hardly ever saw them. Most of them had bigger and better things to do, others were married, one even died. (And yes people this is true. My bro's friend really is in a band called Shelflife... www.shelflife.com... ) Tre grabbed the CD back off the rack and looked over it. "Which one?" He asked looking at the pictures of the members. "Middle One. He is always trying to keep his real name a secret and goes by some nickname but stupidly right on the inside of the CD it says Gus." I smiled watching Tre flip the CD over and over in his hands. "Well, this is boring, this rain is letting up, let's go back." Mike said heading back towards the entrance. "How do you know the rain's let up?" I asked not noticing that a lot of the people were gone, and the pounding on the roof had stopped. "Oh... never mind... " I said following him. I felt slightly warmer as we got back out into the city streets
***
About two hours had gone by since I had found the little book. The clock hanging on the wall rang at midnight. I was only half way through the book and had dozed off now and then. I closed the book up and sat up straight looking around the room. The only light was that of the small lamp over the headboard that I had been reading by. I scratched at my eyes sleepily and stood up wobbly. I walked out into the hallway and into my own room. I slammed the door behind me and collapsed on the couch falling back asleep the book slipping from my hands as I drifted away growing weak and calm.
***
I woke up in the morning face down in drool. I pulled away feeling the wetness on my cheek. I wiped it off on my shirt and looked around my eyes in a daze and my vision blurry. I pulled some hair from my mouth that was now sticky. I stood up cautiously and walked into the bathroom to take a shower. I stood in the warm water as it beat down on me washing away all trace of sleepiness in me. Through the pitter-patter of the falling water I thought I heard a door open in the background. I wasn't sure if I was hearing things or not. I turned down the water pressure and stuck my head out of the curtain and listened. Nothing. I must have been imagining it. I finished up my shower and wrapped my robe around me. "Shit I forgot to bring in my clothes." I mumbled to myself. I opened the door and walked out lazily. As I walked into the main room I noticed Tre sitting on the couch. Really I didn't care after all he is pretty much always here these days. It wasn't until I noticed the book in his hands that I was mad at him. I ran over and snatched the book from him. "NO!" I shouted as I took it and looked at his face. "What? Something you don't want me to see?" He said confused about this. "Yeah, this is James's journal. You can't read it. I'm not even supposed to." I said calming down and setting the book down on the glass coffee table. "But you were, weren't you? So what's the big deal that I can't read it?" He said reaching for it again but I grabbed his wrist. "Please Tre, no." I said letting go again and walking over to the closet. He sat there, arms crossed, his eyes not leaving the sight of the little black book sitting in front of him. I grabbed some clothes and walked back into the bathroom to change. When I came out Tre still sat there staring blankly at the book. Much calmer now than I was before I took a seat next to him and grabbed the book off the table. "Sorry I yelled. This journal though, it just means so much to me right now though." I sighed flipping through the pages. In the bottom corner I watched as the page numbers grew higher until they reached the end of the book. I held to it by its spine flipping my wrist with it for no reason. I just had to do something so I wouldn't get bored. Tre watched the book move back and forth as I flung it around. I leaned forward to set the book back down when a small slip of paper fell from the pages. I bent down and picked it up off the ground. It was a photo taken of us. We were only teenagers. In the picture we were so happy, standing in front of the school. It was the year he had graduated. I felt tears come to my eyes looking at this and Tre seemed to understand how I felt. I rubbed my eyes on my sleeve and let the picture fall away from my grasp. I curled into a ball and buried my face into my knees. I didn't want Tre to see me like this. It seemed to happen so much lately I couldn't bare it anymore. I felt warmer as Tre put his arms around me calmly humming a tune. What was wrong with him?!? I miss the old Tre. The happy-go-lucky guy that I fell in love with a long while back. Now I just wished he would leave me alone before I beat his face in like Mark had done. I pushed him off of me grabbed the book and picture once again and ran out of the room. Tre chased after me but realized I had gone into James's room again. For now this boring and messy hotel room was my sanctuary. At least until the end of the month when I would go back home. I sat on the end of the bed and opened the book up to where I had left off. "June 15, 1991. Today I met back up with my old neighbor. After that fight between our parents years ago she had moved down on the other side of town. We still go to the same school but I haven't seen her since I was in 3rd grade. She is just the same as she always has been. Much prettier now though. I think I really like her but I'm not sure how to get her attention you know? She probably won't even remember me. It was in kindergarten that she moved and we haven't seen each other since. She's 14 now. I missed her birthday. Anyway my mom has forgotten all about her so maybe if I am able to talk to her we will be able to hang out without being yelled at. I can't wait for tomorrow. Tony broke his arm today when he crashed into the ditch on his bike and we had to take him to the hospital. He keeps wining and crying but I know he is in no pain he just wants people to give him attention. That show-off. Dad is home from work. He has a week off before he goes back to college. Only 1 more year before he gets out. It will be good to see him more often. He says his roommate is a jerk but they won't let him get a new room. Anyway Saturday is my cousin's birthday and I don't know what to get her. I was thinking a CD. She is always listening to her music." The page ended there. I flipped to the next page but that was it. Wow. I never really looked at it from his point of view on me. He had never forgotten me, he just didn't have the courage to talk to me.
***
There was a loud knocking on the door. "Kiki, please, come out!" Tre shouted in to me. "What's wrong?" He said again. I could tell he was desperate for me to come out. By now he was probably getting sick of yelling at me or trying to calm me down. "Tre! Just go away! I need some time alone!" I said sadly back to him choking on my words. I went over to the door and pressed my forehead against it waiting for him to speak again. "Kiki, what's wrong? I know you're upset about James but why are you secluding yourself from your friends? We want to help you." He sighed on the other side of the locked door. "Tre if I could tell you I would." I sobbed. I gripped the handle tightly ready to open the door and let him in but I couldn't find myself to do it. I let out another soft cry. What was I doing? Why was I being like this lately? I let go of the knob and backed away. "Kiki!" Tre shouted in noticing the long silence and the door handle shake from me letting go. "What is wrong!?!" He shouted getting worried. "Nothing Tre! I'll see you later but for now I need some time alone!" I yelled at him and went back over to the bed closing my eyes. I just wanted some peace and quiet.
***
I read the book a while longer then went out and sat on the cement floor of the balcony looking out over the city. The busy afternoon streets were jammed with traffic with people going to lunch from work and visiting from the airport and getting home from short days of work and ending shifts. Others going back to work for the second shift. The people below and in the long crowded streets seemed so happy. It made me mad at the thought that all these people were enjoying themselves while I lived this nightmare, which shouldn't be happening. The breeze blew around me sending chills through my spine. I squinted at the brightness of the day. I leaned my back against the glass door. I closed my eyes keeping myself calm. I opened them again to the slide of a door. I looked over through the guardrail bars out at the other balcony next to me where Mike stepped out of the building into the fresh air. I didn't dare look at him. He would just ignore me and go back inside. I wasn't so eager to know what the news was. I knew I wouldn't be told until I saw Key so it was no use trying. I looked the other way but talking to him was very tempting. I gave up quickly. "Mike... " I started unsure how to end my sentence. "I'm... sorry." I said looking at him then away again. This was probably the wrong thing to say but it's the most I could at the moment. "For what?" He said looking at me and catching my eye before I could turn back again. I sighed and tried to think of why I was sorry. There were so many reasons. "I don't know... everything... " I said feeling miserable inside but knew it was a good thing I was speaking to him again. He didn't answer very quickly. He looked around as if making sure no one was looking and finally spoke when he was positive we were the only people out on the balconies or in earshot of what he had to say. "You shouldn't feel sorry. It's not your fault all this happened." He said trying to make me feel better. "But it is! If I didn't like you guys I would have never gotten tickets from James to go to your concert and I would have never met you and Mark wouldn't have tried to kill us all and Key and Jake would be happy and I would be at home with James and never would have fallen in love with Tre and we wouldn't have to leave here at the end of the month and that secret of yours would have never happened and it is all my fault that all this shit happened and I don't want anyone to tell me it's not because I know it is and... " I said quickly running out of breath as I went. "Calm down... its okay Kiki really, this isn't your fault anymore than it is anyone else's. You just happen to fit into the story better but if Kilana had never met Mark than he would never have been after us and none of this would have happened." He said trying to make this all sound better but it didn't. Now he was just saying that it was Key and Mark's fault and that Jake shouldn't have been born and that just wasn't right. "Don't say that Mike, it's not Key's fault." I said quietly actually trying not to be heard. I didn't want to face the fact that he was right in a way. "Kiki, if you're going to try and fight with me I am leaving but... " "I'm not Mike, stay please." I said. I didn't want him to leave and ignore me again. He was talking to me and this is how I wanted it to be. I was trying to figure things out on my own for a long time but now I realize I needed help with this and couldn't do it all by myself. It was already killing me to know that in only three more days I would be leaving this damned hotel. Songs ran through my head every second I thought and I forced them back. All the songs were jumbled together playing at the same time driving me crazy. I really had nothing else to say to Mike but I didn't want to be alone and Tre would just make me feel worse somehow. Mike was already mad and confused and I wanted Billie Joe to talk to but he wasn't here at the moment. Feeling better than yesterday he went down into the lobby for breakfast and some quiet. I looked back at Mike. He was leaning on his elbows on the railing looking out to the sky. His tall thin figure was all I could really see from the shine of the morning sun. I uncurled from my nice warm ball and stood up. I felt fairly cold no longer curled up by the floor where the wind couldn't get me as easily. I wanted to go inside. How could Mike stand being out here in a pair of light pants and a tank top when I was freezing in a pair of jeans and a hoody. I folded my arms and pulled my hood up over my head shielding my eyes from the sun. The air was actually warm but that wind was bone chilling. "You cold?" Mike laughed at me for what I was doing. "Yeah... I'm going inside... you wanna come over here?" I asked sliding open the glass door. "No, maybe later... " He said doing the same and we both walked inside. The room inside felt much warmer compared to outside.
***
I picked up the little book and went over to my own room. Tre was half asleep on the couch waiting for me to come back. I had hurt him leaving like I did and I needed some space. The picture of me and James was in my pocket with my secret picture. I took a seat next to him shaking him awake. Tre lifted his head and looked around. "Sorry for that Tre." I said trying my best to show a smile to tell him I was okay now. He eyed the book in my hand but was too nervous to ask about it. "Tre you know you can't see it... " I started. "Even if I would let you... " I said. This made no sense to either him nor me but it was true. I studied the ripped corner of the book in my hands. This book was old I could tell by the dates and writing inside but just looking at it, it didn't seem too old at all... it was in such good shape except for the rips it almost looked new. Tre was unsure what to say afraid I would throw another tantrum. The powerful urge to lash out at someone still was inside me from the time I had woken up in the middle of the night angry and scared. I still remember that. I was hot and had a desire to get my revenge on Mark but I had calmed down slightly and was able to continue sleeping but since then I have never felt the same. I always had this emotion welling up inside me and this is why I know one of these days I'm finally going to snap and someone I care about will get hurt. I just hoped that day wouldn't come soon. I opened the book up to the page where I had left off. The page was sloppily written as if he was in a hurry or couldn't hold still from excitement. "Today is my 18th birthday and Kiki and I are hanging out for the day. I finally had the guts to talk to her last year and since then we have been spending almost every day together. It is only 12:00 right now and Kiki should be arriving soon. I woke up only an hour ago. Key and Mark were in a fight the other day. Mark was upset about something that he thought was her fault. Don't expect me to know at the moment I am trying my best to stay uninvolved. I think Kiki is right about Mark being a jerk and isn't good for Kilana but Key refuses to listen to her warnings about him... " I read through until I noticed Tre was looking over my shoulder. I closed the book but left my thumbs between the pages so I could find my place again when I opened it back up. "(Same Day) Me and Kiki just got back from the mall. She got me the new Green Day CD... Dookie... She loves them... I think she's getting me hooked as well... She also got me a T-shirt that I had picked out. Since we met a few months ago we have been spending a lot of time together... I really like her but I don't think she remembers me that well from Kindergarten... when I met her she had no idea who I was... I never forgot her though. I can't wait until I graduate in two months. It will be so exciting for me. My mother wants me to go off to college and I kinda want to but I'm afraid that if I do I will be separated from my new friends and I can't take that since the closest college to us is about a four hour drive away. Next year I plan to move from this boring home of New York and head down to Florida with Kiki and Key... Mark is coming too but really I hope he boards the wrong plan at take-off... Kiki will be finishing the remainder of her school years in Florida which really will only be one year since she is at the moment finishing up 10th grade and next year will be on 11th and that year in the summer we will head down to our new home so... only her 12th year of school will be in a new place to her. I am so excited to get my own house. And with Kiki and Kilana only down the road instead of across town things will be a lot easier. Hopefully." The page ended... Tre was once again over my shoulder and I closed the book on him. "Hey!... It was just getting good... " He said looking away then back at me with an evil grin slapped across his face. I was a little freaked out by this yet found it a little funny at the same time. I put the book behind me. "What?" I asked a little worried not about what he may do but about how I may react to this.
***
Tre luckily had stopped not too long after it had started. He seemed almost afraid to continue and with these people constantly bursting in on you I don't really blame him but... just his reaction to all this... when he realized what was actually going on he seemed like he just shouldn't... like I was too fragile to touch... it was weird... I have never met anyone who reacted the way he had just done and I had never know anyone to do that. The change in his mood so drastically reminded me of Mike's how he was happy and then... I asked him if he was okay... and... he got mad... could there be some type of connection between these two scenarios or am I just talking to myself about nothing important and things that don't make sense?
***
I felt really weird about what had happened only about 15 minutes ago between me and Tre. I sat there on the couch my drawing pad in my lap and pencil in my hand. I bit the eraser whilst thinking about how I'm going to draw this point in time. What had just happened was definitely something I had to remember but how was I going to draw it out without it looking too slashy I mean we didn't go that far yet we did get a little farther than we had ever before. I drew the picture but wouldn't show Tre. It wasn't a special picture like the one that still traveled in my pocket but I still didn't want Tre to see it. Mike came over not too much longer taking a seat on my other side. He didn't seem so afraid to talk to me anymore and less upset about whatever had happened between him and my best friend. I had drawn four more pictures after that and then put the book down on the table. Tre tried to grab it to see the picture but I put my feet up resting my heels on the cover. Mike seemed bored out of his mind but I was unsure about what could cheer him up. I leaned against Tre calmly. Mike seemed to stare out into open space. "Mike... are you alright?... what's wrong?... " I asked quietly. "I can't tell you... you know that I can't tell you... " He responded still lost in thought. "I'm not asking you to tell me your stupid secret just how am I supposed to cheer you up? You know I hate seeing my friends mad... is there any way you will feel better by the end of today?" I asked grabbing his hand. He didn't blink... he still looked out into the open as if not knowing we were here. "I don't know... maybe... " He said more to himself. He looked at me kindly and let out a weak smile his eyes still showing the sadness of a little boy who's pet just died. "Mike... " I whined pulling myself from Tre. I threw my arms around him and held onto him. He seemed quite calm by this. Not shocked or anything... almost like he was expecting this to happen. I had to reach further to get my arms around him because he was so much taller than Tre. I felt him slowly get used to me and return the hug. Where was Billie Joe? It had been about four hours since he had gone down to the lobby. Maybe he was back up in his hotel room and just didn't want to come. I pulled out of Mike's grip who at the moment was squeezing me and I just hung loosely there unable to get away. I fell back into Tre as I pulled away. I gave him a weak smile. "Sorry about that." I said to both of them. Mike, for pulling away from him so quickly and Tre for falling into him like I had done. Mike gave a small smile back in embarrassment. I couldn't help but giggle at how red he was turning. Tre didn't notice though and took the fact I was laying on him for granted and put his arms around me resting his chin on the top of my head. I felt myself turn a little red for a moment until Mike started to reach across the table towards James's journal. "NO!" I shouted pulling off of Tre and grabbing Mike's wrist. He looked at me shocked. "What? I was just getting the TV guide." He said a little confused pulling out of the grip I loosely had on him. "Sorry. Thought you were getting something else." I said in even more humiliation. Mike took the paper back book in discomfort from my sudden reaction and leaned back to look through. I felt ashamed now. I leaned back as well curled up comfortably yet awkwardly between the two guys. You know... since me and Tre got 'together' I haven't been referring to them as Green Day... but... my friends instead. There was a knock on the door within the next few minutes that we sat there just looking at each other blankly and watched Mike scan over all the pages. I got up and walked over to the door. I opened it to see one of the housekeepers standing there. The neighbor's cat in her hands. "Zis' your kitty?" She said rudely. I opened my mouth to speak but before I could make words she continued. "You no zere' is a no pet policy at zis' 'otel!" She said. "Well it's not my cat! Try across the hall." I said ready to shut the door but I glanced Billie Joe walking down the hall towards me. "Everything okay?" He asked when he reached me and the bitch standing in front of my door holding the neighbor's cat. "Fine." I said letting out a week smile and stepping aside so Billie could come in. I slammed the door behind me in the face of the housekeeper and walked back over to the couch. "What was that all about?" Tre asked sliding over a little so I could take my seat back on the couch. "She thought that that stupid cat is ours." I said trying to sound annoyed but I wasn't really, I was just bored. I closed my eyes for a second as I let out sigh. I pushed back my hair back behind my ears. I miss Key. "Well, what are we going to do today?" I asked trying my best to sound excited about today but there was no reason too. I would only be with these guys a few more days and that powerful urge in me for revenge was growing stronger and I actually was beginning to feel it ready to explode in me. Billie Joe seemed a lot happier than he had been yesterday which was very good... I think. I looked around for my words. I needed something to say that would make everyone happier. I was just about to say something when I noticed the coffee table. The journal was gone. "Tre... give it back." I said not mad but just tired of having to yell at him all the time. Tre lifted himself from his seat and dug in between the cushions to pull out the book in which he had been sitting on. He handed it over and I set it back down on the table. "What's the deal with the diary?" Mike asked now knowing what I was trying to prevent him from grabbing earlier when he was getting the TV guide. "It's James's journal." I said depressed. Mike said no more now knowing why I had made such a big deal about everyone not seeing it. "So... how... about... we... go... um... hmm... to... the... store... or... the... park?" Billie Joe suggested slowly as if thinking through exactly how to put his idea into a sentence. "O... kay... " I said making fun of how he had spoken. He stood up and stretched. Mike and I following his lead. Tre just sat there though like he had no idea what we were talking about. "Come on Tre." I laughed a little grabbing his hand and pulling his butt off the couch. I pretty much dragged him out of the hotel room. I shut the door behind me and we made our way to the end of the hall and down the stairs into the lobby. The floor had been cleaned not too long ago and was still a little wet in places and it was so shiny it was like a mirror. Tre looked at his reflection on the floor as we walked out the double doors into the hot air of the parking lot.
***
It took us about ten minutes to walk to the park. Other than us it was very empty today. Mike took a seat on the bench under a tall oak tree and Billie Joe fell backwards into the freshly cut grass. I rolled onto the ground with him leaving Tre to think for himself. He jumped into the grass with us only seconds later. I stared up at the bright blue sky where soft white fluffs of cloud were passing overhead. "Come on Mike!" Tre laughed sitting up and grabbing Mike by the ankle trying to pull him off into the grass with the rest of us. He gave up a minute when he finally realized the Mike was holding on with all his strength to the back of the wooden bench which was now tipping from being pulled by Tre. While Tre fought with Mike to get him down I decided to talk to Billie Joe. "Where were you all morning?" I asked him before lightly kicking Tre's side with my heel to make him let go of Mike again and fall onto his back. "I was down in the lobby but I had to go get something for Tre after breakfast." He said. "Something for ... Tre?" I asked confused. What did Tre want him to get that he couldn't go get himself? "Yeah. You know he wanted me to get something." He said again rolling over and grabbing a handful of grass then rolling onto his other side to face me and dropped the grass by my arm. "Actually I have no idea what you are talking about." I said. "Of course you don't. It was Tre that wanted to get it not you." He said simply rolling onto his back again and once again looking up at the sky. Tre and Mike seemed a lot quieter now. I looked down at them to see Mike laying face down into the ground and Tre face up his hand over his mouth muffling his laughter. I sat up and lay back down again on my stomach facing Tre and Mike now. "What did you do?" I laughed at the site of Mike who still hadn't moved since he fell off the bench. "Nothing I just pulled him off the bench and he fell into the dirt." Tre giggled. I reached over and pushed Mike's shoulder slightly as if checking if he was still alive. "Hmm... " He mumbled into the dirt laughing a little as well. He lifted his head showing blades of grass stuck to his face making Tre laugh harder. I put my face into my hands at how pathetic all this was. It was time consuming and entertaining though. I looked around at the large empty hills of the park. The sidewalk could be seen stretched across the landscape to the playground. Along the way were the swings... the fountains, benches and long rows of tall trees that were like walking through small wooded areas. Tall lights were on each side of the concrete path all the way. As we lay in the tall grass songs played in my mind over and over. It started out as Homecoming but by the time the song goes... 'Here they come marching down the street like a desperation murmur of a heartbeat coming back from the edge of town underneath their feet' I went to... 'Storming through the party like my name was El Ninio. When I'm hangin' out drinking in the back of an El Camino, As a kid, I was a skid and no one knew me by name. I trashed my own house party cause nobody came. I know I'm not the one you thought you knew back in high school' which is the beginning to the song Fat Lip by Sum 41. Then it started to go into 'Helena' by My Chemical Romance. I closed my eyes trying to get the songs to shut up but they wouldn't go away. This always happens and I can't stand it. I opened my eyes again and tried to continue blocking out the songs. "Race you to the swings." Tre said pushing my shoulder and taking off towards the swings. "Wait what?" I said not catching his challenge. "Get going Kiki!" Mike laughed pushing me. I stumbled to my feet and took off after Tre. He was pretty slow to tell you the truth. I caught up with him no problem. "Hi Tre!" I laughed as I ran along side him. "Hey! How did you... ?" He started but I didn't answer and ran past him jumping at the pole of the swing set and flung myself around it to stop myself. Tre came up right behind me collapsing into on of the swings tired out and breathing heavy. "Tre you owe both me and her twenty bucks!" Mike laughed running up behind us. "What?" I asked looking at Tre who was still trying to catch his breath. "Yeah Tre bet us both that he could beat you and he lost so cough it up." Mike laughed holding out his hand. "Sorry, don't have forty bucks on me at the moment." Tre said. "That's okay Tre." I smiled taking a seat on the other swing. I started kicking my feet until I got high enough for me to jump off and of course I did so landing a few feet away in the grass right in front of Billie Joe who had just realized where we had all gone. "I bet you ten dollars I can jump farther than you." Tre laughed getting his swing higher. "Tre, you keep betting like this and you are going to go broke." I said not moving from my landing spot. He jumped off landing almost even with me but when his legs gave out from the land he fell forward and won. "No fair it should be based on where your feet hit not where your head does." I laughed falling to my knees to check if Tre was okay from smashing his head into the ground. He got up quickly a little light headed but he seemed fine. I fell back from him going from on the ground to standing up so quickly. Billie Joe let out a quiet laugh behind me. I couldn't help but laugh along with him. It probably did look pretty funny from his point of view. I pulled back my hair into a ponytail so it wouldn't get in my face at all when we continued terrorizing the equipment at the park.
***
All this today seemed to keep Mike's mind off of whatever it was that was bringing him down but now my mind was being weighed down with even more things. I remembered the time Tre had ran off without the guys and lied to get out of all the pressure but why had he really come back here? And now Billie Joe had to go out on the town to get something for Tre? Kilana wasn't talking to me and Mike was upset for who knows why and I found James's journal, which really is a record of his life from his point of view and I missed him now more than ever. I was now and then having these cravings for revenge which were getting stronger and really starting to scare me and we never did find out what had ever happened to our car after James's was killed and Mark was in jail and would never talk to us. I was learning more about James than I had ever known before and I was feeling emotions I had never had before. Jake would be starting school in only three months for his first year, Tre was starting to feel rejected by me, Billie Joe just always seemed to be in a bad mood, he misses his wife and kids, Tre is nervous about me because lately I've been hiding so much from him, and I just wanted to die from all the pressure of the fact I would be going home in only a few days and possibly never see these guys, my new friends, again. I think that pretty much sums it all up. We left the park a while later. Tre almost tipped over the swing set when he went to jump off but couldn't find himself to let go of the chains.
***
As we walked through the city streets to our next destination we were caught in a huge down poor. Which left us running through the streets until we reached FYE. As we ran down through the town in the heavy rain we splashed through the puddles along the way making us wetter. We entered the large open building and got out of the rain. As we stood in the doorway I tried my best to squeeze out all the water from my hoody but it just left it in a crinkled wet mess. I pulled my sweatshirt over my head and tied it around my waist leaving me in my tank top and soggy jeans. The cold rain left me feeling like a Popsicle without my hoody on me. Though it probably wouldn't do any good being so wet. I squeezed the water out of my hair making it curl on the ends slightly but much dryer feeling. The music store was packed with chattering people staying out of the rain. They were all crowded together to fit in and yet let lookers in as well. The place was air conditioned because until it rained the day was really hot but now it just made me colder. I crossed my arms and tapped my heel on the ground as I tried to get warm. Over the loud talking around us I could hear the faint song of Holiday coming over the loud speakers in each corner of the building. "Typical." I said at this. I liked this song sure, but it just got way overplayed and to tell the truth I was getting sick of hearing it everywhere I went. "What?" Billie Joe said not noticing the music over the constant talking. "Listen." I said my teeth clicking from my quivering jaw. He gave a weak smile signaling that he could hear it and I just rolled my eyes at this. "What? How was I supposed to know Holiday would be such a big hit? The guys' once spiked hair was now matted down from being pelted with the falling rain. Tre's shirt was so wet it actually folded on him showing every curve of his body making him look quite uncomfortable. Mike stood right behind me and I could hear him shivering. We were so cold we forced ourselves through the crowd but not trying to draw any attention. After all this was Green Day walking through one of the most crowded and busy places in the city at the moment. We made it to the back of the building where there were much less people. Most of them were just standing by the door waiting for it to stop raining. Billie Joe worked at his hair trying to get it to stand up more like it had once done. Even without gel he managed to get it up from the wetness. While we were back there we might as well look around. After all that was why we were there. I dug through the rows of CDs looking for anything good. "Ha!" I said in victory. "What?" Mike asked confused. "I found it." I said holding up a CD. "Found what?" Tre asked coming closer to see. "Nimrod." I said. "So?" Billie Joe said confused. It's not like it was that big a deal. "So... it's the only Green Day CD I don't have yet." I said pulling $15 out of my pocket and pushing through the crowd up to the counter to buy it. I came back a minute later with a small back hanging off my right arm. "You guys find anything good?" I asked walking back over to the shelf and starting to look through the stuff I had left off at. "Nothing really. Looks like it sold out of most of the good stuff." Tre said bored. "Look." I said grabbing another CD from the rack. "What now?" Mike said walking over. Billie Joe followed and the three guys were crowded around me to see what I was trying to show them. "It's Shelflife. I kinda grew up with the leader of the band. My older brother always had friends over at my house when he was a teen. And I was a little kid. He always used to play music and our place was like his second home and when I was about ten he started a band." I said looking over the CD. "I was never allowed to listen to their music because I was too little. The parental advisories are for ages 18 and over but now I have the CD back at home and I could finally listen to my brother's best friend. We don't see too much of him any more but he has hardly changed since when he was just starting out." I laughed a little. I set the CD back on the shelf. "They played at a lot of school dances... then they started touring. It's hard to believe that the leader used to be the wimpy little boy that kept getting beat up by younger girls. My bro always had to stick up for him because he wouldn't fight for himself. Now he's in one of New York's biggest bands." I ended feeling a little sad. All my brother's friends pretty much lived at our house and now I hardly ever saw them. Most of them had bigger and better things to do, others were married, one even died. (And yes people this is true. My bro's friend really is in a band called Shelflife... www.shelflife.com... ) Tre grabbed the CD back off the rack and looked over it. "Which one?" He asked looking at the pictures of the members. "Middle One. He is always trying to keep his real name a secret and goes by some nickname but stupidly right on the inside of the CD it says Gus." I smiled watching Tre flip the CD over and over in his hands. "Well, this is boring, this rain is letting up, let's go back." Mike said heading back towards the entrance. "How do you know the rain's let up?" I asked not noticing that a lot of the people were gone, and the pounding on the roof had stopped. "Oh... never mind... " I said following him. I felt slightly warmer as we got back out into the city streets
