Green Day, Graffiti, Chilli, J, AJ, Bee, Clare, The Mainstreet, and The Underbelly, chapter 11

"Chilli?"
No response.
"Chills, please...don't do this again."
I turn around to face my American band mates, but I don't step off the bridge railing. It is the very same bridge as many years ago. It brings back memories: agonizingly, painful memories. How Billie Joe was standing before me, how I kissed him, how I jumped...and how I failed.
That's all I'm meant for. That's my life...my significance...my purpose in existence.
To fail, lose, and lament.
Silence.
"Chi-"
"Can't you see I want to be left alone?!" I snarl angrily. "My best friend on this entire fucking stupid planet, the person that persuaded me to not give up, the one that kept me going in my fucking crappy existence, has just breathed his last breath! Dead! And if you inconsiderate fuckers hadn't already realized, I need to be alone! Without you!!"
I step towards them off the rail, eyeliner, now stained down my face, giving the effect of black tears and ran off into the darkness, my friends staring after me before they could say anything else.

***

It helps if you listen to "Wake Me Up When September Ends" while you read this part

I slow to a walk and look up at the starry night's sky; clouds are gradually covering up their shine. Music flows soothingly through my mind and tears roll gently down my cheeks.

"Summer has come and passed,
The innocent can never last,
Wake me up when September ends... "


I keep walking, my destination unknown, even to me, as I trudge along the road and pass under the unsteady glow of a flickering street lamp.

"Like my father's come to pass,
Seven years has gone so fast,
Wake me up when September ends... "


I close my eyes in an attempt to block out all the memories, buzzing through my mind, but all I could see was Johnny. His face smiles back at me, and I feel my heart begin to shred as a soft patter of rain hits the street.

"Here comes the rain again,
Falling from the stars,
Drenched in my pain again,
Becoming who we are... "


I look back up at the sky again, and silently I question: Why Johnny? Why my best friend? Why now?
Upon receiving no answer, I lower my head and tug the hood of my jacket up over my head to stop raindrops trickling down my back. I walk on.

"As my memory rests,
But never forgets what I lost,
Wake me up when September ends... "


Slowly, I feel something rise in my chest and course through my veins. A very powerful emotion; one of the most intense feelings imaginable:
Rage.

"Summer has come and passed,
The innocent can never last,
Wake me up when September ends... "


I burst into a sprint and splash through the puddles of water on the path; various confusing and maddening feelings are flooding my body like the rain dripping from above.

"Ring out the bells again,
Like we did when spring began,
Wake me up when September ends... "


I reach the corner of the block and swiftly stop in my tracks as a car swerves and screeches to a halt while the slowly rain flows to a stop.
The driver sticks his head out of the window. "What the hell are you doing, you mad fuck?!"
I flip him off and run across the road and down the gentle descent. I know what I'm doing now; I'm trying to run away from my pain, my misery, my life, but it seems that is impossible. I round the corner into an alley, and once again, attempt to block everything out as I sprint on down the alleyway.

"Here comes the rain again,
Falling from the stars,
Drenched in my pain again,
Becoming who we are... "


The pain is too much for me to bear as I begin my ascent up the steep slope to the cliff-top overlooking another beach. I kick the rocks and bite back a scream of frustration. Why him? Pulling at my hair and digging my nails into my skin, I fall to my knees and wipe the blood from my mouth as the lip I had been biting so hard to withhold my screams splits open.

"As my memory rests,
But never forgets what I lost,
Wake me up when September ends... "


I roll onto my back on the damp grass; fresh tears make their way over my skin. I let out a sob and am soon crying freely, a torrent of tears deluging down from the fading of my usually bright eyes. The agony is ripping my soul to pieces; I flip back onto my knees and almost instinctively, I grab at my knife and draw more gashes through the flesh of my arm. I don't care how much it hurts, I don't want to care. It doesn't matter to me anymore...nothing does. I roll back onto my back and stare up at the twinkling stars the clouds have uncovered as they left. I am desperate for answers, but know full well that I will never find them.

"Summer has come and passed,
The innocent can never last,
Wake me up when September ends... "


It's like machine gun fire, the memories that dance tauntingly through my mind. When I first met him, and he was so nice to me, I was just a street kid, why should he have cared? When he taught me to play, I couldn't keep my eyes off his muscles and always made him laugh with the way I bite my tongue when concentrating. When I taught him to surf and pretended not to notice that he was staring at me throughout every moment. The jealousy that flashed through his eyes whenever I was with my boyfriend. The care he gave during all the times I felt like dying. The moment he slipped...and the horror-filled seconds when he fell...

"Like my father's come to pass,
Twenty years has gone so fast,
Wake me up when September ends,
Wake me up when September ends,
Wake me up when September ends... "


I curled up on the damp ground; keeping my eyes tight shut and mumbling, "Go away...just go away, leave me alone... No. Johnny, I love you, why did you have to go? It hurts, it hurts, it hurts..."

September was not a good month for friends...

*Several hours later*

A figure is sitting alone on a cliff above a beach, leaning, hidden, against a rock, staring out to sea, and the sunset over it. A man walks up next to her.
"Chilli?"
The figure doesn't move as she stares vacantly out at the crashing waves, her face illuminated only by the pale glow of the moonlight, her expression cold and hard as thoughts build up in her mind, as her heart tears itself to pieces.
The man sighs and sits down next to her. "Please. Talk to me."
"I...I can't Mike. I dunno...he was my best friend...ever...he was the first person I met on the streets...and-" Chilli breaks off her sentence as she feels tears roll down her pretty face.
Silence filled the air. Tears surge down her already drenched face.
"It's alright," Mike whispers to her. "It's alright, sweetie."
"But it's not, Mikey," Chilli sighs. "It's not just Johnny...I've been thinking for a while about what this is that I'm doing, and I've realised something...Johnny was right. I've become the person I always said I wouldn't. The one I promised myself that I would never let myself be. I'm a hypocrite, a poser, a loser. Something I HATE! I just-it's like...like..." Chilli sighs again, "It's like I don't even know who I am anymore."
Something clicks in Chilli's thoughts as she finishes this sentence. "WHOA!! Hold on a second, wait up, did he just call me...sweetie?"
She tries to shake all of her thoughts away, but it's a bit hard to do that when you're crying about how crappy your life is, and the person you're pouring your life out to just called you sweetie and has their arms wrapped around you, holding you close to them.
"Talk to me," Mike says. His skin feels warm and comforting against Chilli's.
She lets more tears weep from her eyes. "People are always saying: 'Oh, don't worry, it'll be okay. We'll get it sorted out. We'll help you. Just let it out through fucking song!' Then they turn their backs on me...they forget...they leave..."
The two sit talking on the beach and eventually, Chilli's tears cease their flow.
"Mike?" Chilli asks as she stares out at the moon, reflected off the water.
"Wassup?" Mike says. He looks down at the top of her head against his shoulder, and he smiles.
"Can I tell you a secret?" Chilli asks as she sits with her head laid against Mike's shoulder.
"Sure," Mike answers.
"You promise to never, EVER tell anyone...especially Billie Joe," Chilli states very clearly, lifting her head and looking Mike sharply in the eye.
"Yeah. Why? Wassup?" Mike asked curiously.
Chilli shows Mike her torn wrist.
"HOLY FUCK!" he says, staring at the hacked up flesh on Chilli's wrist.
He begins to stand up to leave. Chilli reaches up and grabs him desperately by the shirtsleeve. Mike turns to her and looks deeply into the dull grey of her tear-filled eyes.
"Please," Chilli begs, her eyes welling up with fresh tears all over again. "I've never asked anything of you before, and I probably never will ever again, just please, keep this quiet."
Mike pauses, considering everything before sitting down again. "Ok."
"Thanks..."

*Mike's Point of View*

There's a psychological war taking place inside my head:
"Do it!"
"But what about Bee?"
"You can love two people at once!"
"No I can't!"
"Yes! Kiss her now! Or you never will!"
"OK!"


"Chilli?" I ask, licking my lips nervously.
"Yes Mike?" she answers, her voice seems comforting, and I manage to pronounce the next few words.
"Can you just look at me for a sec?"
Then, as though I was pushed into it, I tilt towards her and...our lips lock. It seems like an age until we break apart. It could have been seconds, minutes, hours, several sunlit days for all I care. I kissed her. I've been kicking myself to do that ever since I first saw her.
We part, and she stares at me with those huge, shining eyes.
"W-Why?" she asked, I could tell she was thinking "What a stupid question," but I answered anyway.
"Because I love you. I always loved you...ever since I saw you at that bar years ago...J...That was you. It was only briefly, one song, but I still remember. You left too fast for me to talk to you, but I still knew...I love you, Chilli."
"Mike...I- But...you don't like me," Chilli said in shock. "You don't talk to me, you always talk to Tré. Why now, why-" she started, but I cut her off by pressing a finger over her mouth and staring deep into her eyes.
"And right now, you need to sleep...relax."
"I can't go back. Not with these thoughts...these memories. Johnny...y'know?"
I nod my head in understanding, then she straightens up and listens to the air. I can hear it too. People coming down towards our place of hiding. Tré and Billie round the corner. I hope Tré doesn't find out what I did. I see something in Billie's eyes and nod when Tré's back is turned. He knows.
"So I'll take it you're not coming back tonight?" Billie Joe asks Chilli.
She shakes her head glumly. Tré shrugs.
"We had a feeling this would happen so-" He pulls out a large quilt from behind his back. "We're staying the night here with you!" He sounded like that was the best idea in the world.
I see the ghost of a smile shadow over Chilli's lips. She loves Tré. She belongs with him, not me.
That broke my heart, and I thought about it as the four of us drifted off to sleep under the stars.
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