The Hand Behind This Pen Relives A Failure EveryDay (everything has a dark side), chapter 1
I stared at my worn out black and white converse with red laces, and then glanced at the plains from my window. The trees and bushes and tall grasses passed by with my eyes trying to follow them until they faded from sight.
How I wish to be those trees, staying in one place for all eternity...no matter what anyone says.
I rested my coal black eyes on the driver, taking me away from what I had considered my home, even if for a short while.
"One day when I talked about getting out, but not forgetting about how my worst fears are letting out. He said: Why put a new address on the same old loneliness? When breathing just passes the time until we all just get old and die. Now talking's just a waste of breath and livings just a waste of death and why put a new address on the same old loneliness? And this is you and me and me and you until we've got nothing left."
Absent-mindedly my fingers traced old scars permanently branded to the skin on my wrist for all the world to see. A 'perfect' tear rolled down my 'perfectly' sculpted cheek as recent and distant memories suddenly came flooding back to me, each one bringing another fresh wave of pain. My parents' death, leaving only money; the hard time, the troubled time at the orphanage and the different homes. And now...this cab driver driving me to my 'new' home.
"Miss, are you okay?"
What an excellent question I thought. Too bad I don't know the answer.
"Yes, I'm fine thanks."... how untrue.
I resumed my position looking out the window so the driver wouldn't see a perfect tear fall...
Then another...
And another...
***
An hour later, after an excruciating car ride filled with silent sobs and bad music, we finally arrive at the border line leaving Washington for California. I just can't wait until the new family to meet me! Note the sarcasm. I'll probably stay with them until they decide that I'm too 'emotionally depressed'. I chuckled, a sad excuse for a laugh. I guess they would be right, the Bushes chose that their home wasn't right for me because of my feelings and thoughts. I guess they would be right, especially since my first breakdown...
FlashBack of Breakdown
They left me. They left me. "I hate you!" I screamed at my dead parents, blaming them for all life's' faults. I slammed glass lamps on the floor with tears pouring down my already tear stained face. I had then crumbled to the ground, holding my torso to contain and conceal the body shaking sobs. I softly, almost weakly, pounded the carpet with my bruised fist all the while quietly whispering "I hate you."
End of FlashBack
I snapped back to reality and it was obvious I must have zoned out; the cab driver, Ernie something or other, was staring at me.
"I beg your pardon, Emilio, but could you drop me off here? I'm most certain I can find my way there thanks."
"It's Arnold, and begging your pardon miss, but your caretaker, Mrs. Bush said to bring you to your lovely new family in Berkeley, California," The driver responded.
"So you're saying, Elmo," I replied back at him, cautious with choosing my words, ", So you're saying that I am to sit in a taxi for multiple hours without a break on my way from Washington to Cali-friggin-fornia?!?!"
Uh oh...here we go again, I've lost my temper
Suddenly, he blared the cab horn, making me jump back, red faced and blushing while he shouted out:
"It's Arnold!"
So much for being cautious...
***
I waited impatiently in the taxi, drumming my fingers on the arm rest humming Candle In The Wind</i.>
Goodbye Norma-Jeane,
Though I never knew you at all,
You had the grace to hold yourself when those around you fell.
That's how I want to be, no one able to read my emotions, and to be able to control and hold myself, no matter what happened around and to me.
You crawled out of the wood work,
And they whispered into your brain,
Then they set you on the treadmill,
And they made you change your name.
...just like me, changing my last name, just to fit in, or stand out.
And it seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind
Never knowing who to cling to
When the rain set in. .
Who do [i] I cling to, when the rain comes?? Maybe I'll just ... go out...
And I would've liked to have known you,
But I was just a kid,
The candle burned out long before
The legend ever did
I bet no one will have wanted to know me, but then again, my candle is still burning... and I don't even have a legend, and I never will... unless it's a legend about a detestable young lady who changed families like one would a pair of shoes.
And it seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind
Never knowing who to cling to
When the rain set in.
And it seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind
Never knowing who to cling to
When the rain set in
...
The candle burned out long before
The legend ever did
As the song ended, the cab pulled up to about a normal house, well, for me anyway, and oddly enough, there were 3 men, one of which was running around the lawn in a...fireman's outfit...that's interesting...and rather odd actually...
I'll give them a month, and then I'll bet they won't take a fancy to me and send me to a "home more worthy of a proper young lady such as myself".
A month, that's all, maybe 3 weeks...
**And Yet, How Wrong I Was... **
How I wish to be those trees, staying in one place for all eternity...no matter what anyone says.
I rested my coal black eyes on the driver, taking me away from what I had considered my home, even if for a short while.
"One day when I talked about getting out, but not forgetting about how my worst fears are letting out. He said: Why put a new address on the same old loneliness? When breathing just passes the time until we all just get old and die. Now talking's just a waste of breath and livings just a waste of death and why put a new address on the same old loneliness? And this is you and me and me and you until we've got nothing left."
Absent-mindedly my fingers traced old scars permanently branded to the skin on my wrist for all the world to see. A 'perfect' tear rolled down my 'perfectly' sculpted cheek as recent and distant memories suddenly came flooding back to me, each one bringing another fresh wave of pain. My parents' death, leaving only money; the hard time, the troubled time at the orphanage and the different homes. And now...this cab driver driving me to my 'new' home.
"Miss, are you okay?"
What an excellent question I thought. Too bad I don't know the answer.
"Yes, I'm fine thanks."... how untrue.
I resumed my position looking out the window so the driver wouldn't see a perfect tear fall...
Then another...
And another...
***
An hour later, after an excruciating car ride filled with silent sobs and bad music, we finally arrive at the border line leaving Washington for California. I just can't wait until the new family to meet me! Note the sarcasm. I'll probably stay with them until they decide that I'm too 'emotionally depressed'. I chuckled, a sad excuse for a laugh. I guess they would be right, the Bushes chose that their home wasn't right for me because of my feelings and thoughts. I guess they would be right, especially since my first breakdown...
FlashBack of Breakdown
They left me. They left me. "I hate you!" I screamed at my dead parents, blaming them for all life's' faults. I slammed glass lamps on the floor with tears pouring down my already tear stained face. I had then crumbled to the ground, holding my torso to contain and conceal the body shaking sobs. I softly, almost weakly, pounded the carpet with my bruised fist all the while quietly whispering "I hate you."
End of FlashBack
I snapped back to reality and it was obvious I must have zoned out; the cab driver, Ernie something or other, was staring at me.
"I beg your pardon, Emilio, but could you drop me off here? I'm most certain I can find my way there thanks."
"It's Arnold, and begging your pardon miss, but your caretaker, Mrs. Bush said to bring you to your lovely new family in Berkeley, California," The driver responded.
"So you're saying, Elmo," I replied back at him, cautious with choosing my words, ", So you're saying that I am to sit in a taxi for multiple hours without a break on my way from Washington to Cali-friggin-fornia?!?!"
Uh oh...here we go again, I've lost my temper
Suddenly, he blared the cab horn, making me jump back, red faced and blushing while he shouted out:
"It's Arnold!"
So much for being cautious...
***
I waited impatiently in the taxi, drumming my fingers on the arm rest humming Candle In The Wind</i.>
Goodbye Norma-Jeane,
Though I never knew you at all,
You had the grace to hold yourself when those around you fell.
That's how I want to be, no one able to read my emotions, and to be able to control and hold myself, no matter what happened around and to me.
You crawled out of the wood work,
And they whispered into your brain,
Then they set you on the treadmill,
And they made you change your name.
...just like me, changing my last name, just to fit in, or stand out.
And it seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind
Never knowing who to cling to
When the rain set in. .
Who do [i] I cling to, when the rain comes?? Maybe I'll just ... go out...
And I would've liked to have known you,
But I was just a kid,
The candle burned out long before
The legend ever did
I bet no one will have wanted to know me, but then again, my candle is still burning... and I don't even have a legend, and I never will... unless it's a legend about a detestable young lady who changed families like one would a pair of shoes.
And it seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind
Never knowing who to cling to
When the rain set in.
And it seems to me you lived your life like a candle in the wind
Never knowing who to cling to
When the rain set in
...
The candle burned out long before
The legend ever did
As the song ended, the cab pulled up to about a normal house, well, for me anyway, and oddly enough, there were 3 men, one of which was running around the lawn in a...fireman's outfit...that's interesting...and rather odd actually...
I'll give them a month, and then I'll bet they won't take a fancy to me and send me to a "home more worthy of a proper young lady such as myself".
A month, that's all, maybe 3 weeks...
**And Yet, How Wrong I Was... **
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