Some things I shouldn't feel the need to say, but do.

I'm sorry for all I put you through.
I'm sorry I couldn't change fast enough. I thought I had forever.
And darling, you'll never know how much I blame myself. You say I shouldn't, that it's not all my fault...but it is, and you and I both know it. I wish you'd take your friends' advice. I wish you'd just listen to me.
Don't be so afraid to let yourself feel.
If I messed you up, know that I'll never forgive myself.
Should we try this again with hope...
We have so many times before, what should make now any different? You know I still feel the same, and I can't help but believe you do too. I would like to ask you, but you know how I am. I'd get all emotional and then you would too, and you'd get mad and it would just be a big mess.
Or is it lost, give up the ghost?
Sweetheart, I dreamt of you last night. Again. Only this time...It was a good dream. It almost felt real...I awoke with the sense of peace I've only found with you. You said, you were thinking we should give it another go maybe. You called me sweetie. You let me touch you again. It was funny, because when I woke, I thought of how you "accidentally" called me sweetie when you were leaving me.
She brings me to the home I never had. She gives me the comfort I've always wanted.
I'll still do all that, all you have to do is ask. For god's sake, I know I never said it, but I felt the same. Comforting you, comforted me.
I read all your old notes over and over again, searching for a bit of enduring truth in your words. I remember the time you said, "I could never leave you for good."
Did you say all the things to keep me? Do you still feel them?
Why won't you let anyone in? Are you afraid that they will give you some advice that you know is right?
I know you never lied to me. So now I'm confused. Because...if I really was your forever...why is it taking so long for this hurt to heal? Will it ever? Or will I constantly be ensconced in this shadow of self-doubt, wondering "What if?"
What if I hadn't answered the phone that day...what if I'd been more patient...See, this is why I will always feel that everything is my fault. Rid me of my guilt...validate me.
I know this is all my fault. I know it is only because of myself and my actions that I am alone now. I heard about what happened with your brother...and for a moment I forgot that you wouldn't want me to care. Coz all I wanted to do was stroke your cheek and kiss your forehead. And ask you what happened, and hold you, telling you everything will be okay, because I love you. I don't know how to cure myself.
Puppy. This hurts so much. You used to hate it when I cried. When I was sad at all...I remember Brian and Schmitty and Dave all telling me, that they knew you did care...because you called all three of them that last night...bawling, because I was crying coz I thought I was going to lose you, and in the end I did.
I understand now, that maybe you only left to save yourself. But who's going to save me?
I'm so sorry and selfish.
Please just give me one more shot. I know I had my fair share, but so did you! I know you think I only gave you a few, but if you think about it, I always took you back regardless of what you'd said or done. And most of the time, [How my mistakes have made your heart break] whatever you had done...was worse than anything I did. I still need you here with me. This is the last one I'll ask for, coz if I can't have you, I don't want nobody, baby. If you're not even willing to give me, the girl you said you wanted to be with forever [I have this in writing, don't forget.] one last shot, if you won't even try to save our love [Have I murdered our love..] then what's the point of anything?
Posted on August 19th, 2007 at 10:48pm


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