Wake Me Up When January Ends

This December 7 would be the 30th birthday of my brother Beau, who passed away earlier this year. There was a sixteen year age difference between us, so we never really connected. I was in a deep depression when he left. Normally, someone who loses a loved one would become more depressed. But I realized that life can be cut short, and so much can be left unsaid and undone. It's almost like he knew that because tried to do so much. He went to Europe with his friends and was planning to go back so he could visit Ireland which he had missed when was first there, he catered someone's wedding, he often went on roadtrips to where ever a full tank of gas would get him, especially Oregon, California, and Arizona where some of his friends lived. He had so many friends from various cities and states and stages of life. He drove my mom, my sisters, and I around the Bay area when I was about 7. He took us to a vegetarian-vegan restaurant in Santa Cruz that he loved, the Monterey Bay Aquarium, and a handful of motels in San Francisco, Monterey, and Santa Cruz. He kinda started to consider his family a nuisance in the midst of all his adventures. He'd fight with my mom, my dad, my sisters, and my other brother. I stood on the sidelines. I never knew how much he loved me. I ended up hearing that from his friends. Why couldn't he have told me that when he was here? My other brother Chance says that he was trying to make amends with us, especially my mom. He was trying to collect debts from friends so he could take us to the Bay again. But he'd never get to, because one "friend" decided he would rather cover his own ass that save my brother's life. I'm still trying to live up to my brother's expectations of me. I'm trying to learn how to play the guitar, continue with the piano, and start up the drums again on his set. I've become a vegetarian and an animal activist. I still have the Green Day biography he helped me pick out at Barnes&Noble, the one that he knew had more info and was way more accurate, I still have the Bullet In A Bible dvd/cd he got me, and I have his copy of Dookie. I'm still learning from him.

"You know that
I know that
You're watching me."

J.A.R. Green Day