Self-Injury: An Addiction Defeated
Statistics show that an entire percent, A WHOLE PERCENT, of this Earth's population, self-injures. Not until I began researching it this past summer did I realize I've actually been doing SI for seven years. I was an anorexic, a bulimic, a biter, a pincher, a scratcher, a burner, a drinker, a cutter; All by text-book definitions.
I started cutting two years ago, and every time I felt the kiss of a razor against my skin, every time the blood drizzled down my arm and dripped from my fingertips, I was fixed. I was complete. There was nothing that could stop me or make me feel down. It used to take just one cut, but, over time, I needed more. I was slowly but surely becoming addicted to the marks on my arms, legs, and shoulders. I was falling a victim to my own emotions, damning myself to the worst of fates.
It became a regular thing during the first year. Wake up, get dressed, eat breakfast, go to school, come home, relax, do homework, take a shower, cut, go to bed. A day that hadn't been followed in this exact order(save the weekends) was one gone unfinished. The urge to open a new wound would grow stronger as I slept, and the morning would be filled to the rim with my blood.
Throughout the next year, the cuts were deeper, the scars were more visible. I was loosing control. My mind was spinning wild tales of suicide, and I frequently had dreams of taking my own life. On December 2nd, 2006, I acted out one of those dreams.
I was placed in a mental home after ODing on my Prozak. The help I got there was unbelievable. The therapy I went through taught me a lot about myself. I learned more coping skills than I ever thought existed. It has shown me that I am valuable; That my blood is precious, and it shouldn't be wasted over petty teenage drama.
I've been 'clean' for three weeks now. My scars have healed, and I feel stronger than ever before. I honestly think I can pull through this time, because I know I have so much to live for.
I started cutting two years ago, and every time I felt the kiss of a razor against my skin, every time the blood drizzled down my arm and dripped from my fingertips, I was fixed. I was complete. There was nothing that could stop me or make me feel down. It used to take just one cut, but, over time, I needed more. I was slowly but surely becoming addicted to the marks on my arms, legs, and shoulders. I was falling a victim to my own emotions, damning myself to the worst of fates.
It became a regular thing during the first year. Wake up, get dressed, eat breakfast, go to school, come home, relax, do homework, take a shower, cut, go to bed. A day that hadn't been followed in this exact order(save the weekends) was one gone unfinished. The urge to open a new wound would grow stronger as I slept, and the morning would be filled to the rim with my blood.
Throughout the next year, the cuts were deeper, the scars were more visible. I was loosing control. My mind was spinning wild tales of suicide, and I frequently had dreams of taking my own life. On December 2nd, 2006, I acted out one of those dreams.
I was placed in a mental home after ODing on my Prozak. The help I got there was unbelievable. The therapy I went through taught me a lot about myself. I learned more coping skills than I ever thought existed. It has shown me that I am valuable; That my blood is precious, and it shouldn't be wasted over petty teenage drama.
I've been 'clean' for three weeks now. My scars have healed, and I feel stronger than ever before. I honestly think I can pull through this time, because I know I have so much to live for.
Huge congratulations to you.
It is one of the most difficult things to get over; sometimes, when you think you're finally done, the urge comes back, and you lose control again. I would know, but i hope you can forget.
Again, you have overcome a huge hurdle. Be proud.
Miley Cyrus, April 11th, 2007 at 07:45:20pm
Good on you.
You're a strong person.
Stef., January 16th, 2007 at 06:42:30pm
Its not just a mental addiction, cutting releases natural opiates in the brain. In effect, cutting yourself has the same effects on the brain as taking heroin. Congratulations on getting past it, the place you were at sounds really well set up. In Australia they dont have the best mental health system, they tend to get people in and out, with no mention of coping skills. The end result is that people keep ending back there as a safe place because they have no other way to deal with their proplems.
Blank_blank, January 15th, 2007 at 11:56:25pm
I myself have never cut -- although I have tended to rake at my legs when upset -- and don't believe I ever will, no matter how curious I get or how much anger I feel towards myself. I drive all of my pain to what may be the most effective area; my mind.
But nevermind me, dear. That was a very interesting success story and you should be proud. I am. ;)
davey jones., January 15th, 2007 at 09:48:14pm
Its hard to stop....its a mental addiction....*bows head and quickly exits room*
Heroin Bob, January 15th, 2007 at 09:35:40pm
I, in all honesty, can not understand cutting. I never will, I'v never done it, so I can't comprehend what you went through, but reading what you wrote is a good example at showing how trying and challenging it can be, I do understand that much. Im so glad you got help, that shows a strong person. It's alot easier to keep old habbits than it is to change. Congats, thats a beautiful success story.
Kurtni, January 15th, 2007 at 09:32:09pm
I believe cutting is one, if not the, most addicting drug. Once started the habit is nearly impossible to kill. And it can be the most deadly. One slip of the razor against your wrist, and suddenly you're losing excessive amounts of blood. Next thing you know, you are on the ground, in and out of consciesnous. I'm very glad that you have gotten help and believe you can make it. There is nothing worse than suicide, when that person had so much to offer to the world.
TMTCR, January 15th, 2007 at 09:25:36pm