I Miss You.

Disclaimer: Yeah, this is another one of my blogs where I complain about how fcked over I've gotten and how much I miss him. You had your warning.

Every time I think of him, a few lyrics from various songs run through my mind. Mostly stuff like...Almost Easy by Avenged Sevenfold, Down and I Miss You by blink-182, that kind of thing.

Even songs like Life is Beautiful by Sixx A.M.
Just because the last time I saw him, he wanted to listen to that song the whole time we were driving. And he asked me to burn a CD for him with it on it.

Sometimes I think I'll never get better.
And then I have days where I think I'll be okay, though those are few and far between.

The strangest, most horrible thing about this is...sometimes I don't want to get better.
Sometimes I feel like if I can't be with him, I don't want to be with anyone else.

I know a lot of people will respond to this blog with comments like
"Oh, you'll get over it, just give it time,"
and
"Eventually you'll find someone better."

And maybe they're right, maybe they're not, I don't know.

Isn't that weird though, that I don't even care. I don't want anyone better.
I don't know...maybe there's something wrong with me.

Every time I look at the pictures of us together, it's just a reminder of that.
Any picture of him, really.

I just want him to come to his senses...I pray [well, I don't know if you could actually call it praying...coz I don't know how I feel about God and such] every night, without fail, that he'll realize how bad she is for him. He told me how horribly she treats him, so why is he still with her?
And that he'll realize how much I love him.
He knows, I'm sure. Denial, I guess, is what he's got going on for him at the moment.

Hmm.
I'm sure he knows...I got the chance to remind him, last month.

I thought I was almost over him, I really did.
I had Zero.
But then I saw him.
And he held me and kissed me and said he still loved me.
And all the feelings I'd been trying to get away from came rushing back, and this time I'm not even trying to fight them. For a few different reasons:
Because there's really no point, not when he can bring it all back with just a simple conversation.
Because he's all I want.
Because I think the only reason I'd even been able to move on as much as I had was because of Zero. But, I knew Zero didn't care about me. Not the way I wanted him to. So it didn't matter, it was...like...fake.
But that. That weekend, when I got to be with him again, that was real.

I don't know much of anything anymore.
Posted on December 10th, 2007 at 07:37pm

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