Where am I?

That title is kinda what I feel. I feel like I don't know where I am, what I'm doing, where I'm going etc.

I lost myself along my way on this road called life. I have been going downhill since Feb when I was fired from my bartender job. I went from working 40 hours to nothing.I was loyal to a fault but they weren't loyal back. I lost myself.

Last week we had a call to show the house (it's for sale) and I had to run around like a chicken with it's head off trying to get the place in somewhat better shape. Ron wasn't helping, G-pa wasn't helping and mom did some stuff. All I remember is that I stood in the kitchen wanting to cry but not being able to let that control go... I'm so scared if I let it go then I won't be able to regain it. Regaining it is the only way I don't go completely nuts.

I just feel like I'm adrift at sea with no land in site. I can't tell you how many times I thought about doing something stupid... I mean there was times where all I wanted to was swallow pills and it was such a mental and even psychical need to do it. It really took all I had to not get up out of my chair and grab my meds. It's been a long time since I felt like that. I think I'm going to see about going back to shock treatment.

That scary... ECT did well for me by it 'wears' off and I think my's gone. *sigh* Which means 3 times a week driving over an hour each way and then being worthless once I get home. God I just go to sleep. But I wnat it so I don't do something stupid....

I dunno...

Posted on April 16th, 2008 at 02:23am


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