You learn what's important

When you realize that your life might be coming to an end you quickly realize what's important in your life. Over the years I've lost a lot of different things, including friends and family who at somepoint tried to help me and I constantly pushed them away. Sometime I lie awake at night and wonder what it would be like if I had just listened to my friends, who told me not to get into drugs- I would be a much better person.
Maybe if I had listened to my old man before he died, maybe I wouldn't be in the mess I am right now. Living in regret because I never made up with him before he died, the last thing I ever said to him was " I hate you, I hope you die". The next morning he's gone. Since then I've felt so guilty because I practically sent him to an early grave even though he was already dying of cancer, but I didn't make his passing easy.

I wish I had the things I used to have, the friends who stuck by you through and through were replaced by people who encouraged me to have just one more pint and another few pills. Those people weren't my friends and I realize that now the friends I did have are gone. They don't want to know me and personally I don't blame that one bit. I am who I am and sadly I can't change that even though It's taken me a long time to ask for the help I need. I wish I could take back what I've done and in a few days I'll be standing in a court room full of people who perhaps want to see me sent to prison. They say it'll change and I can honestly say it's iether make or break.

I have a girlfriend who is pregnant and is at her wits end with me. But she loves me and is going to stand by me and I don't know whether just to end the realtionship or not because it'll be hard to keep the flame alive behind prison bars. Soon I'll have a son or a daughter but that child doesn't deserve to have me as a father.I know I'll most likely get a long sentence and I know people just want another drug dealer of the street who sell to school kids. But never have I once sold to kids.

I'm a scumbag, I'll be the first to admit it. I'm just sorry I'll never be able to see my own flesh and blood grow up.
Posted on May 20th, 2008 at 05:13am


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