You learn what's important
When you realize that your life might be coming to an end you quickly realize what's important in your life. Over the years I've lost a lot of different things, including friends and family who at somepoint tried to help me and I constantly pushed them away. Sometime I lie awake at night and wonder what it would be like if I had just listened to my friends, who told me not to get into drugs- I would be a much better person.
Maybe if I had listened to my old man before he died, maybe I wouldn't be in the mess I am right now. Living in regret because I never made up with him before he died, the last thing I ever said to him was " I hate you, I hope you die". The next morning he's gone. Since then I've felt so guilty because I practically sent him to an early grave even though he was already dying of cancer, but I didn't make his passing easy.
I wish I had the things I used to have, the friends who stuck by you through and through were replaced by people who encouraged me to have just one more pint and another few pills. Those people weren't my friends and I realize that now the friends I did have are gone. They don't want to know me and personally I don't blame that one bit. I am who I am and sadly I can't change that even though It's taken me a long time to ask for the help I need. I wish I could take back what I've done and in a few days I'll be standing in a court room full of people who perhaps want to see me sent to prison. They say it'll change and I can honestly say it's iether make or break.
I have a girlfriend who is pregnant and is at her wits end with me. But she loves me and is going to stand by me and I don't know whether just to end the realtionship or not because it'll be hard to keep the flame alive behind prison bars. Soon I'll have a son or a daughter but that child doesn't deserve to have me as a father.I know I'll most likely get a long sentence and I know people just want another drug dealer of the street who sell to school kids. But never have I once sold to kids.
I'm a scumbag, I'll be the first to admit it. I'm just sorry I'll never be able to see my own flesh and blood grow up.
Maybe if I had listened to my old man before he died, maybe I wouldn't be in the mess I am right now. Living in regret because I never made up with him before he died, the last thing I ever said to him was " I hate you, I hope you die". The next morning he's gone. Since then I've felt so guilty because I practically sent him to an early grave even though he was already dying of cancer, but I didn't make his passing easy.
I wish I had the things I used to have, the friends who stuck by you through and through were replaced by people who encouraged me to have just one more pint and another few pills. Those people weren't my friends and I realize that now the friends I did have are gone. They don't want to know me and personally I don't blame that one bit. I am who I am and sadly I can't change that even though It's taken me a long time to ask for the help I need. I wish I could take back what I've done and in a few days I'll be standing in a court room full of people who perhaps want to see me sent to prison. They say it'll change and I can honestly say it's iether make or break.
I have a girlfriend who is pregnant and is at her wits end with me. But she loves me and is going to stand by me and I don't know whether just to end the realtionship or not because it'll be hard to keep the flame alive behind prison bars. Soon I'll have a son or a daughter but that child doesn't deserve to have me as a father.I know I'll most likely get a long sentence and I know people just want another drug dealer of the street who sell to school kids. But never have I once sold to kids.
I'm a scumbag, I'll be the first to admit it. I'm just sorry I'll never be able to see my own flesh and blood grow up.
*hugs* i am so sorry for you if i could do anything for you i would.
XDEREKSXCHICKX, June 10th, 2008 at 01:06:01am
You're not a scumbag. Anyone who does things for their loved ones is not a scumbag.
Hey, at least your kid is gonna have a dad who cares. That's the most important thing, right?
I'm sure it'll all end up well for you. Good luck.
Thinking about this kinda puts things into a perspective. Next time I'm about to complain about my life I should remember some people might have it worse.
princess consuela, May 27th, 2008 at 11:58:15am
*hugs*
dude, that's awesome! i wish you the most luck in getting clean!
i hope everything works out for you!
[i]i don't think you should say sorry. we didn't "put up" with you. we care
get famous, May 21st, 2008 at 04:10:24pm
I just want to say sorry and a thank you to you people who have put up with me. Apparantly I might not even get a sentence if i be honest with the judge, tell him the reasons why I did it. The real reasons. I was trying to support my family you know/.
My lawyer said I could get afew years or even months as long as I go to rehab, get clean and get a steady job. But then again I have no clue what will happen.
Thanks guys I appreicate you wonderful people talking to me. A lot of people have stopped. Including family.
schooldropout, May 21st, 2008 at 04:28:30am
you obviously aren't a "scumbag."
if you were, you wouldn't feel like you do at all. you wouldn't have remorse
for the things you've done or said. you wouldn't care. but you do. and you're
man enough to face up to the fact that you aren't perfect and messed up.
dude, one day your kid will look back on your life, and how you admitted
things and took the responsability, and he/she will be proud to say "that's
my dad."
get famous, May 21st, 2008 at 01:53:15am
If you were a scumbag, you wouldn't have taken time to write a blog like this. That's all I have to say.
Rocker Chic, May 20th, 2008 at 10:24:31pm
I'm not sure I can say anything that'll be of any value, but here goes:
You might get a long sentace, I remember your last blog on the topic (somthing close to 20 years? ouch....), but then again, you might be let out early for one reason or another. Whatever you do, dont get in more trouble in prision. It'll just make more problems.
At least you have a chance to come out and hopefully have someone there waiting for you.
Blarg!, May 20th, 2008 at 04:27:22pm