Lonely Memories

Ever had like the weirdest day of your life? Well, today must have been the one. I woke up, everything seemed to be fine, except for the fact that my computer couldn't work so i wasn't able to listen to my favorite song. Next, it was getting late, so I got dressed up and went to school. I live on the fifth floor, so on my way i got this crazy idea that if i stop for 5 seconds at every floor, we will not do the first 2 classes. That's because we had english, and oh well, we were supposed to do a stupid project.
When I got near the school, I realised that no one was around. Absolutely no one, it nearly looked like a forgotten city from a book. I decided to text my so-called friends, who told me that we weren't doing the first class, because some students had an exam. Could I have been the only person from the entire school who didn't know that? Apparently I was. I asked my mates to come into the park or go grab lunch somewhere, but none of them would come and I seriously didn't want to go back home.
I entered the school yard and sat there for a minute, what was i supposed to do? I had no money, no cigarettes, not even my beloved ipod to listen to some music.
I went back home and everyone laughed at me when i told them. How surprising, right? Well, everyone except my dad, who yelled at me 'What's the matter with you? Do you even live on this planet or what.'. He was sort of right though...
I grabbed my Ipod and left. I told my mom i was meeting my friends in the park, that they had came earlier, when in fact, no one was waiting for me anywhere, no one cared. I was alone. As soon as i got out of the building i started running, rushing. I reached a street sort of away from my home and i just walked. I walked on street i had never seen in my life. I walked on dark alleyways, on large streets near the supermarkets, I walked. And then i decided to walk some more, near the park next to the school. I took a nice alleyway and started walking on it back and forth, back and forth, then around it, and near it. People were looking at me as if i was crazy, and i don't even blame them. I looked like a fucked-up kid, with too much mascara and eyeliner, carrying a huge backpack and wearing a pair of black headsets, way too long.
I thought maybe I could meet some classmates in the park, but then i realised i was afraid to meet them, that all i wanted to do was hide, but people were everywhere, i couldn't sit down or clear up my head, because people would look at me and pass right by me. So after i got bored, i started thinking of the lies i would tell to my friends, i didn't really have to tell them anything, but sometimes when i get in the mood, i start lying and i simply can't stop. I lie for no reason at all. Maybe just 'cause it makes me feel as if i still have my guard up, as if i am strong, as if i didn't lay down my arms whenever i met someone.
I'm a strange and lonely person. And it makes me feel like an outsider, 'cause no matter how much i try, everyone would just kick me out or leave me behind, as if they are ashamed with me, as if i have nothing interesting to say, nothing to do. This day made me see how much i don't depend on other people, but how much i need them around me. We all have a decieving, dissapointing personality, that's why we should accept others as we do for ourselves. Me, I can't ever be good enough for anyone, so maybe ... i should give up on this. Stop pretending.
Posted on May 21st, 2009 at 01:52pm


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