You Guys Might Not Like This...Sorry

A few of you know me- who i am,what i've done, and know that i have a lot of baggage.
A few people have been asking where i have been and what i was up to. You have no idea about the worst hell i've been in throughout the last 3 years.
I haven't been myself in the pass six months.
Know why?.....I've changed - no joke.

Starting (just) with the year 2008 - I've screwed up a lot. (before then too)
- learned to be the school's whore
- being so depressed that my friends couldn't even help me out
- my mom disowning me and abusing me
- an eating disorder that almost caused me to go to the hospital
- moving across the country (U.S)
- screwing around with the guys there
- had a few too many encounters with the police
- learned to party- HARD
- got kicked out of the only home i had ever known
- being separated from my twin sister who still lives with my mom and 3 younger siblings

But a few good things started to happen in 2009:
-moved in with my dad and he learned how to be a father (hadnt seen him in years)
-started new school in middle of the year- scary at first but i'm not the whore
-finding the right friends (including new boyfriend :])
-Finding God
(this is where some of you will start to get pissed...i'm truly sorry)


To some of y'all, this might seem like nothing. Maybe it is, who knows. i've been to the point of hitting rock bottom. And i hit it hard. Mother Dearest never talks to me anymore. She will not accept the apologies that i have given her over the months. I havent seen her in over 8 months - along with my small siblings and step dad ( i honestly could care less about him because he was the abuser too). I have only seen my twin twice this year and it kills me. We are closer than peanutbutter and jelly.

i honestly hated my life before i moved in with my dad. My arms and legs are cut up so badly from cutting, that the scars have faded to a deep purple. When i go wake boarding or jet skiing, i'm so embarassed about my thighs because they are cut up. In my opinion, they are also fat. I still suffer from a body image disorder. But not the eating dissorder. I used to be bulimic and that went on for quite a while. it got to the point where i was puking up everything - including blood clots. yeah. People tell me that i'm thin. i thank them and go on with my day. But in my head, i totally disagree. I'm suffer from bipolar disorder and clinical depression.

In other words, i was a basket case.


i always had this void in my life. i couldn't fill it up with hooking up with guys, drinking to passing out,cutting up my body,basically killing myself. Just everything seemed so empty. but when i came to live with my dad,that all changed.

He treated me with respect. then i met these guys at school and they started talking church and religion with me. They were cute so i wanted to see what they were like. Well this one night i drove to their church for a youth worship service. i kept thinking that it was going to be nothing, boring, and a waste of my time. but (the whore in me) wanted to see if they would want to see more of me if i went to their church.

Let me tell you, i changed that night. The BAND was playing rock songs from skillet and flyleaf and family force5. then i really listened to the message and i broke down. that was really and truly what i needed - God.

Now, 6 months later from when i was saved, i have an amazing guy in my life. He treats me with respect and he's gone through a lot of things that i've gone through. He's not a yuppie like how everyone thinks that christians are. And YES...i said that he's a christian. He's basically like me - with the same music taste, skating skills, background life,relationship with God (his is stronger), and basically everything. I also have the greatest friends anyone could ever ask for. they've got my back and they are there for me through thick and thin.i wear a purity ring now, every day. i vow to be celebate until im married. i know that sounds weird but i needed this. i still listen to the same usic that i've listen to my whole life, i've just added few new genres in now.

Look you guys, if you are offended, i really am sorry. please forgive me. I just really needed to type this out, let people on here know that i can help them with whatever they are going through, explain my absence, etc. i'm not some hypocrite yuppie. I've changed, but it totally has been for the better. I am totally not asking for your sympathy. as i said, i just needed to get it out.

again, i am sorry. But if you ever need any help, i can be a pretty good listener.