always in my dreams

bear with me, I never share this with anyone, so I'm sharing it to some complete strangers. Sorry if it comes across as selfish, whiny, etc.
I dreamt about you again. I hate dreaming about you. It makes me feel this combination of sick and happy, euphoric and disappointed at the same time. I like thinking that maybe you'd talk to me again, like I'm a person you supposedly loved and truly cared about. I remember when you said
what would life be like without you, empty space?!
and I thought maybe things would end like they were supposed to, for once in my life. Is is so wrong to want a happy ending to an invetiable end? That's all I wanted from us.
And you couldn't even give me that. The simpleness of a happy ending.
So now you haunt my dreams, my thoughts. I wish beyond most things that you would just talk to me again. You impacted my life in a way I didn't think another human being could do. You've shaken me to the core, and back. You looked at me like I didn't think any other person could, you've said things that no one's ever said to me before.
It all sounds so cliche and cheesy, I know. But I can't help it. It's aching. When it gets to be around this time of year, your memory is really damn strong. I can't walk around the neighborhood without thinking of where we used to sit and swoon. I can remember nearly every little thing you said to me. I can remember the good and the bad. How I felt jealous of you when you told me you made out with another girl (stupid thing to be jealous of). How you would talk to my flirty friend Kristin. How you wouldn't come over when you had the opportunity to. I always though when a sad girl reminsiced over a past relationship, she could only remember the good times?
Well, I remember every part of it. How hard it was to start our relationship. How bipolar our relationship was (I felt really strongly, you didn't, then you felt really strongly, and I didn't). But when we both felt the same feelings, I felt like we could overpower everything with it. I felt like I was completely happy. I felt like I was stoned, without the drugs. Like you could take me around the freakin world and we didn't have to leave my house. Being with you was like something any romantic would fantasize about and crave. I felt things that are basically indescribeable, I can barely put them into words.
I hate myself for living in the past so goddamn much, it's absolutely wrong. You're the only guy I've reminisced this much over, though. I've never dwelled like this. It's been two fucking years and we only dated for 8 months. I'm probably overreacting, being super dramatic. Dwelling too long. Living too much in the past. Being pathetic. Call it whatever you want. But it's like poison to me. He is. I wish he would say something to me. Anything. I don't even care what. He hates me. He misses me. Any damn thing! He left so abruptly, he left with complete and utter indifference towards me. And it was like he took all my love with him.
And now I'm sitting here, trying to become normal and not seem like an inconsiderate fuck. I find it so hard to do. I wish he'd say something to me.
(not sure why he's still on my friends list..) He changed his picture on facebook the other day. To something that I made for him. That he has to know I did, my purse is in the god damn picture....
Shouldn't matter. Not one fucking bit. It doesn't mean anything. It does not mean ANYTHING. SO WHY CAN I NOT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT?! It's in the back of my mind, a lot. The first time we met, there was not a damn thing wrong with it. It was like a ~picture perfect~ relationship. I mean, besides the fact that he was going back at the end of the school year. That was the only flaw. And maybe, that was the only reason he dated me? I don't know the answer to any of it. I just want answers. I want to know some simple fucking things. Then I can be rid of the fucking thoughts swimming in my god damn brain like some kind of nasty chemical brew.
I swear, I'm losing it more and more every day. I try not to think about him. But he's been the biggest influence on my life. Besides my family and my friend Michelle, he's been the single biggest influence in my life. Not exaggerating one bit. He helped me figure out what I want to do with my life, without even telling me what to do, without bossing me around. He made me realize it.
I know this all sounds so fucking ridiculous. And I know it is. But it's been bothering the hell out of me lately. I am having moments of weakness. I just want closure. That's all.
Posted on October 17th, 2010 at 02:14am


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