I needed to write, and you don't have to read if you don't want to.

I am with someone that I don't even want to be with. Why?!
Because the one person I want so badly to be close to does not currently want closeness from me, or does not want to return closeness.
Although every moment in my goddamn life I so badly want to say anything to him, no matter what it might be. Anything. But I think anything I say he’d probably take the wrong way, as though I’m trying to bug him, or get something out of him. Which I don’t want to do. I want him to talk when HE wants, not because I conned him into talking. Because obviously that’s a horrible way to go about it. Some people can tolerate it and others can’t. He obviously couldn’t. But the way I went about it was wrong. I know it was wrong, but I did it anyway. Because I wanted to talk, and selfishly, I couldn’t have waited. Then I was nice enough to give him his stuff back, and he didn’t respond. Every time I hear some kind of loud truck, I think maybe he’s come to talk. Every time I see that I have 3 new text messages, I think that maybe one of them is from him. Every time I see a red truck on the road, I think that maybe it’s his. Every time I go to Cheryl’s, I think that I might see him. I don’t even want to go anywhere near the city because I’m afraid that I’ll see him and he’ll think I’m stalking him.
I’m pretty sure he’s the only guy that I’ve cared about this much. I was slightly drunk and could’ve potentially let my impulses get the best of me, and I didn’t. Even when intoxicated, I thought smart. He told me I should take care of myself. He told me he wanted to take care of himself, that he felt like he was losing himself. So I didn’t feel lost. I think it could’ve potentially gone down that road but it didn’t seem like it was. So now I have to deal with thinking about him every day. It’s like how I felt when I had a crush on him, back in 2008. I wanted to talk to him, but was too scared to. I wanted so badly to say anything to him but I just stayed simple. I wanted to tell him I thought he was amazing and I didn’t. I just said something to him about how I appreciated him talking to me, and it wasn’t a lie. I really did. I felt like he was my hero. Do I still feel that now? Sure I do. Does it sound obsessive? I don’t really know anymore. I feel like the obsession was when I showed up where I knew he was without letting him know. That probably took it too far. I know, it sounds crazy. It does. But now I can’t stop thinking about him. He’s not that far away. And he never probably will be. I know what he wants out of life and where he wants to go. So is it creepy for me to say? I don’t know. It might be. I don’t know the difference between “obsessive” and “lovesick” anymore. I guess the obsession is bugging him, which I haven't been doing. So is it safe to say I'm not obsessing?

I haven’t been texting him or calling him or anything. I did once. A few weeks ago, I called him. I texted him last Friday. And that’s really been it. We talked briefly. Clearly, he doesn’t want to talk. Clearly, if he wanted to, he would. So I can’t do anything.
I need to get out of this city. As soon as possible. Too much pain in one place.
Posted on April 16th, 2011 at 02:38am


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