music and a need to vent.

I don't know what to think anymore. I probably feel more confused and flustered than at the start of our end.
I know you probably don't give two shits anymore. Because you make no effort whatsoever to talk to me, or respond to me, even. I guess I'm really damn stupid for even trying to get you to talk. Because I suppose I still haven't really learned that you can't make people talk if they really don't want to.
I just can't get over you. I'm sure part of it is that I don't want to either. It's been almost six months and I haven't moved an inch in this grieving process. I've moved past the pathetic crying-every-day, but that was a while ago anyway. But sometimes it just hits me in waves. I haven't changed my tear-off-the-day calendar since March 22nd, which was ~the day that sucked.
And I haven't thrown away bank receipts since they were from before all the shit happened.
How pathetic can it get? I still wear the Radiohead shirt you gave me, the socks you gave me, I still talk in some of your stupid mannerisms and I saw you last night
Granted, I was somewhat near your house, gearing to go to Coffee Cartel but it was waayyy packed, and I didn't really want to bother with finding a spot. So I drove back towards Gravois to get some gas and bam you drove past me. I mean I know I was somewhat (not really though, the complete opposite direction) in the vicinity of where you live but seriously, it's a huge city. What are the chances of you and I happening to run into each other, no matter where it is?
Luckily it wasn't a face-to-face encounter. I hope to god you didn't see me. I feel like you'd think I was stalking you or some shit. I doubt it though. I saw you. And yeah, I knew it was you. You with your stupid fireman symbol on your back truck window. And the front end of your truck was kinda smashed up. From you being a jackass, according to family rumors.
And the rest of the night I was a stupid basket case, talking to my god damn date (first date with this new guy, too) about you, for probably a good two to three hours. I'm sure he loved that. He was so nice, too. And I was sitting there talking to him about you. Looking the opposite direction in some stupid delusion that you'd come back that direction. Though I knew you wouldn't.
I guess part of me hoped I'd run into you if I were in that part of the city, but I didn't really want to because I knew I'd feel all weird. It's so stupid, so horribly stupid, because you don't care, or you're faking it, at least.
And that's great. I don't want your sympathy, I don't need it. I don't want you to placate me. That's crap. Yeah, our families are close (granted I probably alienated them too) but I don't want you to talk to me because of that. That's crap. All I want is closure.
I didn't think it was even possible to just ignore me. I mean, I get that people do that.
But everything you said, I was pretty sure you were being extremely honest.
I didn't think I'd lose you, is sort of the point of all of this. And I guess in my mind, I still think that I won't. Even though we very infrequently communicate. And I asked you if you even wanted to be friends and all you said was "hey whats up? how r u?"
I'll admit, it's nice talking to you but it sorta didn't really answer my question.
So now my hopes are up like a child whose parents said they might get to go to Disneyland.
so this sucks.
I don't know anymore.
mit fester Stimme sag ich dir
„hab keine Angst“
und ich weiß nicht mehr
habe ich dir kürzlich erzählt
dass bald etwas passiert das dir gefällt
und wir werden nicht vergessen
wie furchtbar es war .....
Posted on September 10th, 2011 at 01:38am


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