Abusive Siblings

I looked for this and couldn't find it but I'm not good at noticing stuff, so I hope this isn't a duplicate.

Anyway, siblings fight. Duh. Verbally, physically, they fight and parents deal with it. I know mine do. But at what point do the kicking and screaming and insults become abuse? At what point does an older sibling become abusive towards his/her younger sibling?

This is very relevant to me. I have an older brother and he is so cool sometimes. Like, even when he gets a job and I get a job and we move far away from each other ,he's still going to be a significant part of my life and memories. When I was younger, I always wanted to be just like him. Play video games as good as him. Get salamanders from the creek like him. Run as fast as him. He was the definition of cool.

But there was always one thing that wasn't so cool. He'd always tell me I was stupid. That he was perfect and I wasn't. That I'd never be anything. That I'm selfish, stupid, fat, "emo", whatever. That I eat all the food in the house. That I'm mean and rude and don't care for anyone but me. Fine ,whatever. Brothers and sisters say those kinds of things to each other. I always joke about his dumb hair and hollow head. But what he says really stings. When he tells me I have a mustache, that I look like a big hairy man.

And he hurts me too. He hits me, at least three times a week. And lies about it to our parents. He chokes me, slaps me, kicks me, and it hurts. He's really strong, actually. He punched me in the stomach once and totally winded me. Couldn't breathe for two minutes. He says it's because I won't learn any other way. Like, if I'm going out to get a soda or bread, he asks me to get something and if I say I'm too lazy or don't want to, he doesn't let me go out at all. And calls me selfish and stupid. My dad tells me to hit him back if he ever hits me again. All the time. And my brother always repeats the same thing "If you so much as touch me, I will kill you and you know I can." Sometimes, it's for no reason. He bit me once on the shoulder, completely randomly. My mom was like "O_o...?" because he used to bite people when he was 3. He hit me on the head with this weird showerhead thing. He pushes me at random times. "Just for fun", he says.

He always wants to see what I'm doing on the internet, what I write, who I talk to, what pictures I take on my phone, etc. He never lets me go near his room. He saw one of my songs once and called me an emo loser and told me that I should be doing something productive instead of writing "emo bullshit." I know I sound like a whiny kid out of some madefortv movie, but it really hurts what he does to me. It honestly feels like I'm being abused whether he knows what he's doing to me or not.

I just wanted to know what other people thought about stuff like this. Where does one draw the line between normal adolescent sibling fighting and banter and abuse?

You're not the only one. My brother is 20 this year and he treats me awfully. My mum says it's because he's jealous of my brains but I don't get that because he's smart as well, He's always slagged off everything I've liked or done or whatever and when ever he's home he'll push me over, hit me, whatever. He's 6'4'' and built like a brick shithouse and there's not much I can do about it. My parents don't know how to make him stop and it is incredibly bad, but he's away at University so we don't have to cope with it too much.

He is actually quite schizophrenic though, because he'll be really nice and chatty one minute, and then the next day, nothing will have been said, nothing will have been done, but he'll push me down the stairs as soon as he sees me and stuff like that. He's really selfish and won't do anything for anybody else unless he gets something in return, but always wants something for nothing. For instance, I'm getting a car soon, and he says "You're going to have to give me lifts home from the pub," and I said "Why would I want to do that?" and he said "Because if you don't you'll get a slap." It could be taken as a joke, but he thinks everything's a joke, so it's normally going to happen.

He'll always try and undermine everything I do as well. For example I got better GCSE results than he did and he said "Yeah well they've made GCSEs a lot easier" (supposedly, that happened over the course of three years). Or if I win a competition he'll never say well done, he'll always try and find something better that he's done. (He's hard pushed to do it though).

It's been like it for as long as I can remember and I'm always amazed when I see brothers and sisters who actually get on with each other. I mean, I know two brothers and they get on so well, even though one of them is younger than my own brother, and they're constantly around each other all the time because they work together, and I have NEVER seen them argue. It always baffles me a bit actually.

I think your dad is wrong in telling you to hit back, because that'll mean things get out of hand because there's no way you can win a fight against an older brother, believe me, I've tried. I'm all for hitting back if you can take the person, but not when you'll only get the crap beaten out of you. Instead he should take matters into his own hands, rather than leaving it up to you, because Dads always seem to have more power over their sons than Mums do. That's just my experience anyway.

But I think I've rambled on long enough. And my fingers are cold now anyway, so I'll stop typing.

My dad can't do anything about it. My brother yells back. He tells my parents to die. And our dad like helps us with schoolwork and once my brother was like "I can wipe my ass with the stuff you teach me." It sucks.

See, I know that in the US, there would be a hotline or something for this. Not here. And my brother's kinda mood swingy too. He's almost 18. Like, he'll hit me and tell me I'm worthless and all that and the next minute he'll be like 'Hi! Can you make me some tacos?" or try and joke with me over dinner.

I'm sensing a pattern. My brother puts me down too. I always got better grades than him in school. On report card days, I'd have As and Bs. He'd be like, straight Cs. He'd say it was cuz I was in a lower grade. But two years later, lo and behold, I did better than him than when he was in whatever grade. He says its cuz I got easier teachers. I'm the writer of the family. I write. I keep telling my parents I'm going to be a writer until my dad was like "Why don't you do something practical and write on the side?"

Now my brother always goes on about how he's a better writer than I am. I'm the poet. Since 2nd grade. Now he's started poetry and keeps bragging about how his vocab makes his work better. If you ask me, he has rythym issues. He puts down all of the books I read. Calls them garbage and says that he reads literary masterpieces. Then he begs for me to lend him a book, then throws something at me and calls me selfish when I say no.

Yeah, sounds really familiar. My brother idolises my dad though, so he'll sort of listen to him. He's got no respect for us though, mostly me. He'll treat me like shit unless he wants something.


And he'll always take things from my bedroom without asking, but if I'm taking something back from his room he'll be like "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING GET OUT OF MY ROOM" so yeah. Get a bit sick of that. He's just downright selfish and thinks he's god's gift.

Another example is I was going for a job interview, and he had one a few days later, and he said "i bet you a tenner you won't get it." And I was like "Alright, same goes for oyu if you don't get yours." He was so certain he was going to get his and so certain that I wouldn't get mine, and he didn't get his at all, but tried to talk his way out of it by saying that he was given the wrong information. I didn't get mine either, but it's not the point really, because imo we were quits, yet he was still trying to get a tenner out of his sister.

I dunno, he's just a cunt, if you pardon the phrasing.

But, which puzzles me, he's always really generous at christmas and birthdays. I dunno, it's weird.

i suppose it could be some sort of first-born syndrome. Kind of a need to stand above the little sister. Recent development, perhaps? I dunno. Somehow, I don't think my parents would agree to talking to a therapist or a counsellor. And even if they did, my brother definitely wouldn't. And he never backs down till we do it his way.

Ah, we haven't even considered counselling. We've just come to a unanimous decision that he's a dickhead, and if he doesn't grow up he's not coming back for the summer. Even though I'm pretty sure we said that last summer...but he was still dossing round here for three months.

I cant really put myself in your positions, seeing as my sister has a social life and i almost dont, which means shes out a lot, and im not. So when we do get to see eachother [sometimes we dont see eachother for days, because i get up earlier than her] we got on really well. I guess we both think that theres no reason to fight in the little time we have.
I do, however, have a friend whos older brother is really mean to her. I dont really know all the circumstances, but apparently, he calls her a fat bitch and pushes her and stuff.

My sister is abusive. The catch is that she's 14 to my 19.
I have scars from where she's physically attacked me.
When my brother was younger [he's also younger than me] he used to grab my chest.
It took a long time to break him of the habit.
[My dad told me I could smack him everytime he did].

My sister hurts me all the time. Both emotionally and physically. She makes me feel stupid. I think that's part the reason why I'm so insecure and stuff. Also she can baet me up and she's my younger sister. She is only 2 years younger, but she is bigger and stronger. She gave my a scar on my chest from her scatching me. I'm glad I don't have any other siblings.

Exactly. And that's probably the biggest part of the problem. I can deal with pain, no problem. You can twist my arm and hold it for fifteen minutes and I won't even scream. No joke. And you can call me whatever the fuck you like. Tell me I'm fat. I know I am. Tell me I have weird glasses, yeah I do, I should have chosen a better frame.

But nothing, and I mean nothing can ever compensate for the emotional damage. It's hard to rebuild your self confidence when there's always someone there breathing down your neck and telling you there's no point. Sometime I feel like whatever I do is selfish mainly because he's always telling me it is. I almost stuck a toothbrush down my throat and puked when my brother spent a week telling me I weighed twice as much as him.

Younger or older, we're being hurt. And I doubt that anything can fix that. It feels like one of those things that stays in your mind forever. Like, I'm scared that even when I grow up and live my own life his voice is gonna be in the back of my mind telling me I can't do it.

Wow. I wish there was something you guys could do ._.

My siblings and I have our shares of fights, but we don't hurt each other, or hate each other. I'm probably the one that get's angry at them the most, my little brother and I because he's annoying and doesn't know when to stop a joke, my older brother and I because we're too much alike, meaning we're both really stubbourn, and my sister and I because she thinks she's so full of wisdom and doesn't take me seriously because I'm still a teenager and she's 25. But apart from all of those petty squabbles, I still adore my siblings.

But man, I feel so sorry for you guys. I know what it's like, because my dad's parents had 7 kids, and they all hate each other, and sometimes the fights do turn physical. And it's just horrible ._.

But always remember this. No matter what your siblings say, you're not worthless or selfish. They're just people who pick on you because they like feeling big. That's it. Your not worthless and your not worthless. And it can only last for so much longer before they and you move away and you never have to put up with that again.

Coff:

And it can only last for so much longer before they and you move away and you never have to put up with that again.

Would like to contradict you there. Families will ALWAYS be dragged back together, whether it's christmas, birthdays, weddings, or whatever.

My brother doesn't live here for most of the time and it's still bad. It's alright when he's not here, but when he comes home it's the most depressing time of year and I stay out the house the whole time.

But w/e.

Flaming Phalanges!:

Coff:

And it can only last for so much longer before they and you move away and you never have to put up with that again.

Would like to contradict you there. Families will ALWAYS be dragged back together, whether it's christmas, birthdays, weddings, or whatever.

My brother doesn't live here for most of the time and it's still bad. It's alright when he's not here, but when he comes home it's the most depressing time of year and I stay out the house the whole time.

But w/e.

K, but once you get to move out you won't have to see him as much.

I rarely see my one of my Aunts who never ever sees two of my other Aunts, and right now another of my Aunts is in hiding (for lack of a better term) from those two because 6 months back one of them attacked her.

So you don't have to see them o.O

I mean, occasionally, but I didn't mean you'll never ever see them again. I mean that you won't have to be around in this way again.

Coff:

Flaming Phalanges!:

Coff:

And it can only last for so much longer before they and you move away and you never have to put up with that again.

Would like to contradict you there. Families will ALWAYS be dragged back together, whether it's christmas, birthdays, weddings, or whatever.

My brother doesn't live here for most of the time and it's still bad. It's alright when he's not here, but when he comes home it's the most depressing time of year and I stay out the house the whole time.

But w/e.

K, but once you get to move out you won't have to see him as much.

I rarely see my one of my Aunts who never ever sees two of my other Aunts, and right now another of my Aunts is in hiding (for lack of a better term) from those two because 6 months back one of them attacked her.

So you don't have to see them o.O

I mean, occasionally, but I didn't mean you'll never ever see them again. I mean that you won't have to be around in this way again.

To be honest, I don't agree with you because we're both always going to be around, and we're both always going to be part of the family, and you can't just cut ties and then see someone at christmas and then cut ties again.

It just doesn't work.

My sister beats me up. I don't do anything because I can't. She's my sister.

Anji, I get what you're saying. No matter how much my brother ejhekgjhekjg-ifies me, he gets angry and moody at times. I saw him cry a few times. I seen my parents yell at him for doing something incredibly stupid and I've seen them all fight.

And each time, it's like "I hope he doesn't get into too much trouble." and I feel awful when I see him cry. I don't even want him to suffer. I just want it to stop and I want him to acknowledge what he's done and apologize.

And Coff and FP, FP is right. My family is close. We're four people. And my dad had a lot of siblings. He's the fourth of seven, I think. We just lost our grandmother and the whole family's like, making sure we all stay close and connected. But even before that, we've been a close family. It's not like you can just move out and forget it like "Fuck you." My brother and I even have like kind of a connection

families don"t always work like that

Yeah, me and my brother have some weird sort of connection, he lives 200 miles away but we always change our hair in a similar way around the same time.

Example - I went from red to blonde and he went from natural to blonde that same week.
On my birthday I hawked up my hair for a laugh, I come back and my Dad says that my bro's got a mohawk.

It's a silly thing but it's definitely weird.

you should call the cops or something

My twin is very physical and when he doesn't get his way he hits me. I try to look out for him in high school but he hates that and to make him look good, he pushes me around. I think it sucks but I don't have it as bad as most so I can't say much.

my son has ADHD and is very aggressive towards me and his brother and sister, they deal with it by coming to me and me stopping him hitting them ( i would prefer him hit me) but what more can i do, i dont like smicking my kids and i dont, but i can understand why people do.