The downside to a sheltered life.

So I've pretty much grown up sheltered from 'real problems'. I've never really had to deal with drug addiction, jail, devorced/fighting/abusive parents, an unsupportive family, or anything of the sort.

My parents are still very much in love after 20 some years of marriage. I think this counts towards my hopeless romantic view of the world. I honestly believe that love can last forever.

I don't remember an entire year of my life. 6th grade is no longer something I remember much of. According to most, bullying isn't a real problem. But it can really mess with a person's head. I am overly emotional. I care for everyone and everything, regardless of how they treat me in return.

This might explain why I tend to stick around people that treat me wrong. I care too much about who they are, what they stand for, their hopes, their dreams, and their problems. I listen to people more than I talk for the most part, which comes off as quiet/shy/stuck up quite often.

My first real relationship was this school year. I'd had a few boyfriends before that, but they were more middle school dramas. Not much expirience to be gained from that. I would think this is why I'm so bad in relationships. I really just don't know what I'm doing apparently. I've not been in any relationships over about a month and a half. But yet I'm a hopeless romantic.

So why does this happen? Well, I seem to push people away. I don't know what it is about me or what it is a say to drive people away from me. Maybe it's that I care too much. Maybe I don't care enough. Maybe I'm just not worth spending that much time with. I wouldn't know. You'd have to ask one of my ex boyfriends. Another thing is that I've cheated on two of the boys I have been with. I've given this some thought and I think it really comes back to this:

Because I was never really wanted/desired by boys before, I'm making up for it now. All of the sudden I feel wanted. And it feels good. So I lost my head a few times. But I've learned from it. I will never cheat again. Ever. Because I know the other side. I know what it has been like to be cheated on.

I get teased alot for being 'emo' or 'scene'. Because of my over emotional tendancies, I constantly take even jokes to heart. I'm always thinking that I don't fit in or that I'm not 'normal'. I just want to be accepted for who I am.

Me.

Because not a single person in this world is like the other and that is what makes the world go 'round. Expression. Idividuality. All very contraversial terms nowadays, the argument being that nobody is an individual and everyone conforms to something.


So basically it all boils down to this:

I have been brought up in a world where somebody is always there when I need them. I'm loved and cared for and I have been protected from the uglier side of life. I am innocent to alot of the ways of the world. But I'm learning fast. This year alone has held alot of changes.

I am now expiriencing alot of the things most people go through at a much younger age. Drugs, eating disorders, alcohol, smoking, self harm, relationships and mistakes.

So perhaps I am ignorant. Perhaps I am 'immature' sometimes. But I'm learning as fast as I can. I am doing all I can to survive and keep fighting to be happy. Yet I lose sight of that alot. I forget that this is just high school and there is a big open world out there waiting. I forget that despite the hurts and countless hours crying there are still those few out there that care for me. And lend a shoulder and an ear to comfort me. Some of these people have been consistanly in my life. Some have come and gone.

All it takes are a few single moments in time for people to come to these realizations and change themselves for the better.

Like your parents finding deep cuts on your wrists and your mother crying over what has happened to her daughter.

Like figuring out that drugs/alcohol only make things worse and cause way more problems than they solve. Being high or drunk for a week straight is not a good thing.

Like having your heart broken by somebody you trully love.

Because a single moment can stay with you forever.

And it is these moments we have to hold on to. Grab those moments and run with them. They shape who we are, for better or for worse. Because, in the end, our memories and our minds are all we really have to call our own. It is where no one can touch us. We can be invincible. We can be as fragile as glass.

Because emotion is a very powerful thing to have, and we are our own best friends and our own worst enemies. We can lie to ourselves and cheat ourselves out of things. But we can also be truthful to ourselves and others and prosper.

So I cling to hope. Hope for the future, hope for the present, and hope for true love to stay true.

We are who we are, sheltered or not.
Posted on April 13th, 2007 at 06:37am

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