Me?

"Some people move ahead. Some fall behind. Some stay right where the fuck they are. I hope you're comfortable with that. Think about it."
- Anonymous (text)

It's amazing what a single event can spark.

I've been comtemplating myself alot lately. This is not to say I'm being self centered, etc, but I do need to re-evaluate myself and where I am heading.

The past few days I have been withdrawing from people. I know several of you have noticed, but this is really just something I need to do right now. This is why I haven't been answering my phone.

Being alone with yourself can be a frightening thing, which is why most people blame others for their problems. They don't want to deal with their own issues. They drink their problems away. They get high to forget. They harm themselves or others. Is this healthy? I think not.

Which is why I'm trying to change things personally. I've been taking advantage of the people I love and it isn't fair to them.

It isn't fair to my family to have to watch me come home high/drunk for nights at a time.

It isn't fair to my friends to blame them for things that aren't their fault.

It isn't fair to him.

I know I still have alot of work to do in the self-improvement department, but the fact that I am trying to make an effort is a step in the right direction. I am spending more time with my family. I've neglected them over the past year for my friends, and it has been a big mistake. Because without family, who do we have? They are the ones that will always be with us, no matter what we have done. And we have to work to keep that relationship strong, like all relationships.

Over the past few days alot of things have changed.

I can pass a mirror without looking in it. I used to have to glance in every mirror I passed to make sure I looked ok. Even when I was just sitting around at home. I never let anyone see me without at least eyeliner. Lately, I haven't even bothered putting it on. My hair has been a mess and I don't even mind like I used to. I throw on a hat and go. I've mostly been dressing for comfort.

Now I know some of you will see this as running myself down. Letting myself go. But, without all that unnescessary paraphernalia, you can see the glow of my skin. You can see a legitimate smile. You can see what's really behind my eyes.

Because you aren't distracted by the mask I hide behind.

I've gotten to know my brothers again. Especially Patrick, the 17 year old one. We are always so busy to spend any time together, yet we used to be best friends. We could tell eachother anything. We even used to be mistaken for twins. I had no idea how much I missed the kid.

Most importantly, I've re-evaluted my priorities.

Relationship repair is coming first in my life right now. I have let so many of my dearest friends down. I've pushed some away. I've simply forgotten about some. I want to beg for forgiveness and fix what has fallen apart. When I moved I let alot of relationships slip into nothingness. And I regret that immensely.

If you know a relationship is worth fighting for, you should forgive the other person. It doesn't matter what they have done. You should give it your all.

Keep fighting.

Because no matter who you are, what you believe, what you hold dear, what you dream, you need somebody by your side to hold your hand and help you through.

We all need to love and be loved. And we all want to be forgiven.

So here I am, trying to beg for forgiveness for the wrongdoing I have made towards others, but mostly myself. Forgiving ourselves is one of the hardest things we can do. But we have to forgive ourselves before others will.

I'm tired of living in a dream world. It's time to wake up and take charge.