Was it all worth while?

My uncle passed away this morning due to a heart condition which caused it to fail. He was my mother's fifth brother, the second youngest sibiling to my mother. It was really unexpected, I recieved a call from my mum this afternoon. The worst thing is, I told her I couldn't go to the funeral because one of my exams clashes with it. So all of a sudden, I begin to wonder, if all my work in school is worth while. I got into all of my universities of choice, I've ben a straight A student for almost my entire life. But what will it amount to? I'll live life, and then die.

But then again, now that I think about it, all I care about right now is living, so I'm just trying to live it up as much as possible. I have studied non-stop the past two months for these exams and I really want to do well, but all of a sudden, today I just gave up. I couldn't bring myself to look at my notes or read my textbook. I have an exam in two days and I just give up. I don't want to do it, and yet I don't want to throw it all away. Now I have a really bad headache from crying and my eyes are all puffy.

Another thing I'm very worried about is my grandmother. My grandmother lives in he countryside of Thailand. My uncle took care of her, he haad a wife, but I think se left. I can't imagine how my grndmother feels, because, she's blind. She became blind about seven years ago and ever since, my uncle had to take care of her. She used to run a restaurant and a chicken farm, but then my uncle took it over. During his ownership, the resaurant began to fall apart. My uncle is a bit lazy and hardly ever cleaned up, the food was not as good, and Thailand was hit with the bird flu, forcing my uncle to kill all the chickens for fear of the spread of the virus. They barely get by, and now it's just my grandmother who's rounding her ninties and is blind and hasn't left the house in seven years. I was worried sick about her all evening.

I know this is very depressing, and sorry, but I just need to get it out. My family is an old family. My grandparents had their children later in life compared to my parents sibilings, and every other family but our own is getting on in years. Our family is the 'baby' family. The youngest family of them all. Some of my cousins are at the same stage as my parents even and my second cousins are almost my age. I't so sad that this is kind of the beginning of the end for all of my elders, especially after my youngest uncle died.

All of a sudden, I get feeling old as well, and I don't want to. I keep wishing that I was three years old, sitting on my uncle's motorcycle again. This sounds pathetic, but I don't want to grow up. I don't care that all this is inevitable, I don't want it anymore.

Anyway, I'm terribly depressed right now, and I want a fountain of youth. Just to make my life worth while.
Posted on April 23rd, 2007 at 11:15am

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