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Just when you think the world have turned to you and given you a glass of milk and cookies and said "We decided to make you smile again" and you think everything is fkn perfect again - reality pops out of the glass and goes "BAHA TRICKED YOU! STUPID SONOFABITCH!"

And your heart it torn out of your chest again - just when you thought you could finally leave it there.
And you can't actually blame the person, because it wasn't their fault - but their family.
And i'm sure they jsut want the best but i don't think they see how the other fkn party is affected.
[ie: me.]

My best mate told me.
She called me up.
As soona s she said her name - i knew something was bad.
Her voice - it had a sense of question and caution about it, like she wasn't sure whether i knew yet, or whether to tell me and how to say it.
I turned off the tv. Got up from the couch. Marched to my room. Closed the door and sat on my bed and asked her what happened.
Then as she spoke, my heart tore in two.

How can it happen, AGAIN?!
It's not fucking possible!
WE HAVE NOT DONE ANYTHING WRONG!
She's the one who's in the wrong!
All i did was love.
Fkn love.
And i still do, even though my fkn heart is smash in tiny pieces that i don't know how to glue it back together.
It's like the wrold's biggest jigsaw puzzle and i need more than one person to help me put it back together.

I'm so in love.
It had only been 10 official days.
But last time it had been months.
And she always comes in and ruins it.
Why?!
Fucking why?!
I wish i could knock on her door and smash her stupid face in, because she should just leave me and her flesh and blood alone.
I was happy!
And i hope to hell that my love was happy too.
I tried - but me fucking trying means fucking nothing!

I'm crying.
I cried lots.
Again.
History has a way of repeating itself eh?
My best mate asked if i was okay, i lied.

I don't want to go to school tomorrow.
I want to curl up in my bed and sleep forever.
Who knows what i'll do tonight?
Do i slash myself up or drench my pillow? Or put my dinner on the shower floor or stare at my leaking ceiling?
I wish i could see these things happening - so i could prepare myself.
I could tell something was wrong.
I knew it, in my gut.
And i was right - i'm always right about this thing.

I mean, we had this way of figuring thigns out.
She hid it away from her family, and i hid it away from my peers at school.
It was never easy, but we always seemed to manage.
It had a sense of terror and excitement that kept me running and left me looking over my shoulder every few seconds.
But i wouldn't give up a moment of it for anything in the world, no joke.
And life without her - i don't even want to think about it!
Because she was the one who made me smile.
And made me hopeful.
We had plans, heh.
And now i rly don't know what to do.

But before i end this; if they read this, know this:
I'm still in love with you, and no matter how many times you break my heart, i'm always yours.

I hope what they're forced to do, doesn't change their feelings.
I love them.
Forever.
Posted on May 17th, 2007 at 06:47am

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