Just another teenage angst blog
Well the power got shut off today. Again. I have finals tomorrow and I know that I'm going to fail them miserably. I mean...I got a 37 out of 80 on a science quiz and 58 out of 125 on a math test. I just can't focus on my school work with everything else going on. Today I asked to stay after school so I could complete some late work. Now I'm barely passing science. Oh and math is like a D+. It's just too difficult to care about relearning pythagorean theorem and V/R=I and such. I just don't care. Lately I've been so stressed, my mind might just boycott me and stop working altogether. When I get so incredibly stressed I just shut down, I refuse to do work, to pay attention, to do anything really. I mean, honestly how is it that I'm failing classes when everyone thinks I'm so damn intelligent...When I KNOW I'm smart enough to be able to do it. When did school become so torturous? When did I begin to sleep in class? When did I start putting '12' as my answer to everything, even out of the math room?
Probably around when things started going badly at home. Now I don't want to sit here and make things seem worse then they are, there are people far worse off then I am, I know that, but still...I can't exactly paint a pretty picture of my life either. I used to heavily drink, it helped me get through life easily. It also lead to my ultimate self-destruction. Starting at the age of 13 I suppose you could say I began to rebel. To act out, whatever. Part of my new found rebellion were drugs and alcohol. Thanks to the local pill-popping neighbor I was no longer a clean little girl, but I druggie before I could even pronounce half the things she was giving me. (Although that was partly because I had already taken them). Alcohol followed the pills, again thanks to this neighbor of mine. To follow this were cigarettes. And eventually came marijuana.
I don't really need to go into the details of why I no longer partake in the consumption of alcohol, pills, smoking cigarettes and pot, but the point is I don't do it. But recently quiting all of the above mentioned, I have realized that my days have gotten increasingly harder to get through. I have sunk deeper and deeper into my depression, my medications no longer have any effect. I refuse to go up any higher on the dosage because I would most likely be (if possible) more dead to the world than I am now. With increasing depression and hard times at home I just see no reason to bother all to much with school. Quite honestly I don't think I will graduate, go off to college, get a job, start a family. I just look into my future and see nothing. Me sitting on a couch, watching television. Or dead. I don't mean to sound so cliche', but thoughts off suicide have often trickled into my daily thoughts. I know I should tell someone how I'm feeling, but I've done the counseling thing before and it just isn't for me. I despise face-to-face confrontations so that was a little out of the question. But now that I've wondered so far from the topic I set out to discuss, I suppose I shall try and veer us back on track. This school thing it was? Yes, I'm going to fail my finals, I'll be stuck in this wretched grade forever, labeled as the intelligent moron. Oh how fun life can be!
Probably around when things started going badly at home. Now I don't want to sit here and make things seem worse then they are, there are people far worse off then I am, I know that, but still...I can't exactly paint a pretty picture of my life either. I used to heavily drink, it helped me get through life easily. It also lead to my ultimate self-destruction. Starting at the age of 13 I suppose you could say I began to rebel. To act out, whatever. Part of my new found rebellion were drugs and alcohol. Thanks to the local pill-popping neighbor I was no longer a clean little girl, but I druggie before I could even pronounce half the things she was giving me. (Although that was partly because I had already taken them). Alcohol followed the pills, again thanks to this neighbor of mine. To follow this were cigarettes. And eventually came marijuana.
I don't really need to go into the details of why I no longer partake in the consumption of alcohol, pills, smoking cigarettes and pot, but the point is I don't do it. But recently quiting all of the above mentioned, I have realized that my days have gotten increasingly harder to get through. I have sunk deeper and deeper into my depression, my medications no longer have any effect. I refuse to go up any higher on the dosage because I would most likely be (if possible) more dead to the world than I am now. With increasing depression and hard times at home I just see no reason to bother all to much with school. Quite honestly I don't think I will graduate, go off to college, get a job, start a family. I just look into my future and see nothing. Me sitting on a couch, watching television. Or dead. I don't mean to sound so cliche', but thoughts off suicide have often trickled into my daily thoughts. I know I should tell someone how I'm feeling, but I've done the counseling thing before and it just isn't for me. I despise face-to-face confrontations so that was a little out of the question. But now that I've wondered so far from the topic I set out to discuss, I suppose I shall try and veer us back on track. This school thing it was? Yes, I'm going to fail my finals, I'll be stuck in this wretched grade forever, labeled as the intelligent moron. Oh how fun life can be!
That really sucks. But as you told me it will get better...and I'm alright at the pythagorean theorem if you'd like any help i'd give it to ya.
syco-cheechoo2, May 29th, 2007 at 03:44:30pm
Have you tried different kinds of therapy to help you maybe? I know you said you tried it before and it didn't work, but maybe a different therapist would help, one you could connect with better. Or try talking to your doctor about a different medication. Maybe it would affect you differently and you wouldn't need a higher dosage. Im definitely not a doctor, but it might be worth a try if you havent already.
Kurtni, May 23rd, 2007 at 10:34:46am
Oh I absolutely agree with Kurtni, she is right in every way. I know that if I tried I could totally put this in my past and become a happy, productive member of society.
The fact is with my depression I have no motivation to do that.
TMTCR, May 22nd, 2007 at 09:44:02pm
I'll have to agree with Kurtni on that one. "Mind over matter."
ripcujiepoo, May 22nd, 2007 at 09:36:42pm
" I just don't care. "
And as long as you have that attitude, you'll continue to fail. And you can't blame anyone but yourself.
"Quite honestly I don't think I will graduate, go off to college, get a job, start a family. I just look into my future and see nothing."
If you keep up with that attitude, you're probably right. Nothing will be your future. This probably isn't what you'd like to hear, but you need to. Yeah, obviously you've gone through some difficult times, but dwelling on those helps nothing. Only you can make yourself care about somethig, no one else can. You know the problem exists, and if you know what that problem is you can work to fix it. Therefore, you can fix it. Thats easier said than done, but its far from impossible. This is your future we're talking about here, do you want it to remain like it is? Or do you want to change it? I promise you, you can change it. Its going to take lots of hard work, you're going to have to do things you don't want to, and its going to be difficult. But you need to. And it might be too late for this year. Finals are a bad time to realize you have a problem, because its hard to relearn a whole semester of information for a test in a short amount of time. But don't let that discourage you.
Kurtni, May 22nd, 2007 at 09:27:24pm