Just another teenage angst blog

Well the power got shut off today. Again. I have finals tomorrow and I know that I'm going to fail them miserably. I mean...I got a 37 out of 80 on a science quiz and 58 out of 125 on a math test. I just can't focus on my school work with everything else going on. Today I asked to stay after school so I could complete some late work. Now I'm barely passing science. Oh and math is like a D+. It's just too difficult to care about relearning pythagorean theorem and V/R=I and such. I just don't care. Lately I've been so stressed, my mind might just boycott me and stop working altogether. When I get so incredibly stressed I just shut down, I refuse to do work, to pay attention, to do anything really. I mean, honestly how is it that I'm failing classes when everyone thinks I'm so damn intelligent...When I KNOW I'm smart enough to be able to do it. When did school become so torturous? When did I begin to sleep in class? When did I start putting '12' as my answer to everything, even out of the math room?

Probably around when things started going badly at home. Now I don't want to sit here and make things seem worse then they are, there are people far worse off then I am, I know that, but still...I can't exactly paint a pretty picture of my life either. I used to heavily drink, it helped me get through life easily. It also lead to my ultimate self-destruction. Starting at the age of 13 I suppose you could say I began to rebel. To act out, whatever. Part of my new found rebellion were drugs and alcohol. Thanks to the local pill-popping neighbor I was no longer a clean little girl, but I druggie before I could even pronounce half the things she was giving me. (Although that was partly because I had already taken them). Alcohol followed the pills, again thanks to this neighbor of mine. To follow this were cigarettes. And eventually came marijuana.

I don't really need to go into the details of why I no longer partake in the consumption of alcohol, pills, smoking cigarettes and pot, but the point is I don't do it. But recently quiting all of the above mentioned, I have realized that my days have gotten increasingly harder to get through. I have sunk deeper and deeper into my depression, my medications no longer have any effect. I refuse to go up any higher on the dosage because I would most likely be (if possible) more dead to the world than I am now. With increasing depression and hard times at home I just see no reason to bother all to much with school. Quite honestly I don't think I will graduate, go off to college, get a job, start a family. I just look into my future and see nothing. Me sitting on a couch, watching television. Or dead. I don't mean to sound so cliche', but thoughts off suicide have often trickled into my daily thoughts. I know I should tell someone how I'm feeling, but I've done the counseling thing before and it just isn't for me. I despise face-to-face confrontations so that was a little out of the question. But now that I've wondered so far from the topic I set out to discuss, I suppose I shall try and veer us back on track. This school thing it was? Yes, I'm going to fail my finals, I'll be stuck in this wretched grade forever, labeled as the intelligent moron. Oh how fun life can be!
Posted on May 22nd, 2007 at 09:12pm


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