My Depression

In addition to having a painkiller addiction, and harboring many wonderful disorders such as panic disorder and paranoia, I'm also depressed.

I've refused therapy, all medication thrown at me, etc. for a reason. I'd like to work this one out. I know why I'm depressed, but there's nothing that I think I can do to change that. I feel as if I'm not doing all that I could with my life. No no, I'm not talking about getting some cheap art degree or curing some disease.

I have a dream, albeit nearly impossible at the moment, but it's a dream. I'd like to be a musician, along with half of this site. But unlike most others, I'm not out for fame or money or anything, I'd just like to express myself. I believe that the only time I'm truly content is when I play guitar.

So what's stopping me from just playing out on the streetcorner? I have extremely low confidence when it comes to this stuff. You see, I was a "gifted" child, and people did as much as they could to exploit that. They pushed me, they lived through me, and (here comes the root of my problems...) they snapped on me when I messed up. Never a "Good try,". Year after year of this had given me an inferiority complex, which to this day I still have. Scars heal with time? Pfft.

So the point of this blog? I'm just explaining my reasons for depression for whoever wants to know. Just remember, what you say can seriously fuck someone up. One phrase can taint someone's life forever.

"You're. Never. Good. Enough."
Posted on May 30th, 2007 at 10:30pm

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