My Depression
In addition to having a painkiller addiction, and harboring many wonderful disorders such as panic disorder and paranoia, I'm also depressed.
I've refused therapy, all medication thrown at me, etc. for a reason. I'd like to work this one out. I know why I'm depressed, but there's nothing that I think I can do to change that. I feel as if I'm not doing all that I could with my life. No no, I'm not talking about getting some cheap art degree or curing some disease.
I have a dream, albeit nearly impossible at the moment, but it's a dream. I'd like to be a musician, along with half of this site. But unlike most others, I'm not out for fame or money or anything, I'd just like to express myself. I believe that the only time I'm truly content is when I play guitar.
So what's stopping me from just playing out on the streetcorner? I have extremely low confidence when it comes to this stuff. You see, I was a "gifted" child, and people did as much as they could to exploit that. They pushed me, they lived through me, and (here comes the root of my problems...) they snapped on me when I messed up. Never a "Good try,". Year after year of this had given me an inferiority complex, which to this day I still have. Scars heal with time? Pfft.
So the point of this blog? I'm just explaining my reasons for depression for whoever wants to know. Just remember, what you say can seriously fuck someone up. One phrase can taint someone's life forever.
"You're. Never. Good. Enough."
I've refused therapy, all medication thrown at me, etc. for a reason. I'd like to work this one out. I know why I'm depressed, but there's nothing that I think I can do to change that. I feel as if I'm not doing all that I could with my life. No no, I'm not talking about getting some cheap art degree or curing some disease.
I have a dream, albeit nearly impossible at the moment, but it's a dream. I'd like to be a musician, along with half of this site. But unlike most others, I'm not out for fame or money or anything, I'd just like to express myself. I believe that the only time I'm truly content is when I play guitar.
So what's stopping me from just playing out on the streetcorner? I have extremely low confidence when it comes to this stuff. You see, I was a "gifted" child, and people did as much as they could to exploit that. They pushed me, they lived through me, and (here comes the root of my problems...) they snapped on me when I messed up. Never a "Good try,". Year after year of this had given me an inferiority complex, which to this day I still have. Scars heal with time? Pfft.
So the point of this blog? I'm just explaining my reasons for depression for whoever wants to know. Just remember, what you say can seriously fuck someone up. One phrase can taint someone's life forever.
"You're. Never. Good. Enough."
I hope you're able to work through it, I know what it feels like to not get things perfect and have it thrown in your face. Good luck with music and such, just yeh..
banquo, June 9th, 2007 at 06:05:20pm
I always get this, and still do.
it's really hard to live up to standards that you've already set for yourself.
Stef., May 31st, 2007 at 08:09:49am
I have the opposite problem. All three of my siblings have learning difficulties and are bottom of their classes. For some reason I'm not, I get really good grades and I was top in alot of classes. Cos of them my mom believed that how well we did in school didn't matter, she was so busy trying to make them feel better about themselves that she forgot to praise me for all the hard work I did. She never punished me, but she never praised me.
Revol, May 31st, 2007 at 04:45:52am
that happened to me when I was a kid I apparently had such a high IQ and mom just keeps holding on the dream of me being a genious
but far from saying that she expects so much from me, she expects me to ALWAYS be the best and If Im not she just gets mad tells me I didnt tried hard enough
Ive never being diagnosticated with any disorder but bleeh sometimes I think that f*cks me up even more. Because it just shoves on my face my worst issue "not being real enough"
I really hope you manage to get over it, because Im sensing you are the kinda person we are waiting for
Dumbfuck, May 30th, 2007 at 10:46:55pm
:/
Well I think your an well ace person Lor, if that counts for something :]
This Is A Crass Song, May 30th, 2007 at 10:44:05pm
I don't know. I can't see too far into the future right now.
Lor, May 30th, 2007 at 10:42:02pm
:[
Mum said she could have done this to me but she didn't......
:/
Do you like they with ever heal?
This Is A Crass Song, May 30th, 2007 at 10:41:07pm