ashamed&betrayed.

I feel left out.
I find it hard to believe that my friends think of me as they claim they do.They're always making plans without me and they are always breaking their plans with me to hang out with someone else.Like times before,they had all gone somewhere together,not even bothering to invite me, then the next day they would brag about how much fun they had.I always just smile and tell them I'm glad they had fun. Is that the right thing to do?Should I admit to them that it hurts me to not be invited to things? I'm afraid of how they'd think of me if I did; then everytime they invited me I would feel as if they did it just because they felt they had to.I would rather sit at home alone and feel hurt than feel like I was a burden and as if I wasn't welcome. And one of my so-cal best friends didn't even invite me to her birthday party this year and she invited everyone else-what kind of true friend does that?Maybe they're just putting on;maybe they don't even think of me as a friend at all.
What are they really thinking?
All of my friends put tons of pictures of me on their MySpaces and draw me sweet pictures and stuff,but is that all part of their act?I have had friends tell me of other "friends" talking about me behind my back,but did they do anything to stop it?I think not.My so-cal best friend told me of another one of my "friends" calling me ugly behind my back; these were the exact words I was told she said,"I don't know what you all see in Britteni,because I think she's ugly as hell."-the girl that said that has no room to be talking.(I'm not trying to be like her by saying that, I'm just saying to not judge others before judging yourself)And anyways,are you only supposed to choose your friends by how they look?The worst part is, she was laughing as she was telling me that; as if she didn't think it would hurt me;as if I have no feelings at all.And even worse-she did nothing to stop it.
Consider the source.
I must admit that I can be very insecure at times; I look into the mirror and feel like crying.People think that I'm just trying to get people to feel sorry for me when I tell them how I feel about meself, but there's a reason that I feel this way;so consider the source before you go putting me down.On several occasions my friends have called me ugly to my face(and behind my back as you read in the section before this).They have treated me like that to the point where I feel as if they're all prettier than me.In fact, thay have all told me that they are prettier than me.In a way, it makes me not want to be seen with them; I feel as if anyone who sees us together will overlook me because i'm the "ugly one".Does this make me selfish?;Does it make me an attention hog?..Is it wrong of me to blame my friends for my insecurities?When I'm at home alone and when I haven't so much as talked to my friends are the days that I feel pretty;they're the days that I can look in the mirror and be proud of who I am.My friends all tell me to my face that they're jelous of me because I am skinnier than all of them, but that means nothing.I am jelous of them because they made me that way, and they have gotten me to the point where I don't even believe the compliments they give me anymore.It just adds to the lies...
I'm caught in a tangled web of drama.
My friends have not only hurt me,but they have hurt each other intentionally.On several occasions I have had my best friend cry to me over the phone because another one of my friends had made fun of her.Every time I get those depressing phone calls from her, I cry with her.I hate to see my best friend hurt like that;she may leave me out of things and make me feel bad about myself,but she still means the world to me.But it really hurts me when she leaves me for the one that hurts her-can't she see that I'm the one that cares for her, that I'm her true friend.She will leave me for the same friend every time, then she will call me only to talk about that certain friend bahind her back;it makes me feel as if she's either being a backstabber or she's trying to get me to say something bad about my friend so she can go back and tell her.Either way, it's being a backstabber.Then the next day, she'll get hurt once again by that same friend and claim she's done with her; she'll say that she's sick of being put down over and over again by the person who claims to love her;she'll then come running back to me and have me tell her everything will be okay,she'll even have me ignore the person who said that to her, but then she'll leave me and go running back to her and the cycle will start all over again. And it's not only that friend who does that- all this time that she's calling me to talk shit about the other person, the one who she keeps running back to is calling me to talk shit about her once again.But I'm scared to tell either one of them what is being said because I don't want anyone to get hurt any more than they already have been.And anyways, I knew if I told them, they'd think I'd say it only because I was jelous of them;they'd think I was saying it because I want both of them to come crawling bacl to me.Is it wrong of me to keep my mouth shut?;Should I take that risk?And the thing is,it makes me so angry to hear of them being friends to each other's faces,but being so CRUEL behind their backs; but am I doing the same by being friends with such people in the first place?
Is it because of who I am?
I think my friends might be treating me like this because I'm different than them.They're all jocks and I'm the punky one.I mean,I do shop at stores like Wet Seal and American Eagle,but I also shop at stores like Hot Topic.My favorite color is pink.It seems to me that I'm not different than them; but I think it bothers them that I listen to the type of music I do.Music is just noise.True-it does influence the way I act and dress;Whatever I'm wearing, I mix it with something to make it look punky,and I have a "rocker chick mentality" as they call it.They all play every sport, and I don't play any sports.But why,if they don't like the way I am so much,are they always asking me to burn cd's or borrow my clothes?And yes, it's true that I didn't come to any of their games(for any sport they played).That kind of thing just doesn't interest me.I mean, If I was in a band I knew they wouldn't come see me perform,they're just not interested in that kind of thing and I totally understand that,but they need to learn to understand it aswell; it's the same principle.And if it isn't about the way I am then why do they call me emo?So now they're labeling me?I'm not even emo;it wouldn't be as bad if they would learn their stereotypes before they go and call someone something they're not.
I want friends like me.
I want to be able to hang out with someone who has the same interests as me.I want to be able to share my opinions without being put down for them and to be able to go shopping and buy what I want,and not have to be embarrassed of my own style.I want a friend whom I can go to concerts with and not be afraid to rock out.There's just noone like that where I live.I'm the only one;it's just me,myself,and I.I go to the mall(the closest one is an hour away) and see hundreds of people like me hanging out together, and it hurts me that I'll never have that.And it makes me so angry when my friends will take pictures of who they label as emos because they think they're funny;then they'll tell me to my face that I belong with them.It's just as if they don't even want me to hang out with them;it's like they wish I would find another group of friends;yet they make fun of the ones they say are like me.It makes me angry to hear them say these things but I find it hard to tell people what I really think; that's why my friends say that I'm so sweet and that they'd be shocked if I ever got mad.If they say I'm so sweet,then why aren't they sweet to me?Why must they constantly make me feel bad about myself on purpose?
They make fun of me for having internet friends.
My friends tell me that I am crazy for having you guys as friends,and everytime I bring up a friend I have on the internet, they roll up their noses and shut me up. They tell me that you guys aren't my true friends and that I'm stupid for even talking to you.I mean, I know that there can be perves and that there are probably some fake people on this website,but I'm willing to take that chance to actually have friends that listen to me.Just by reading this blog you are showing that you care, and you are trying to help me,so why must they say things about that?They all have friends that they met on MySpace,and so do I; I have never said anything to them about it,so how do they have room to be talking to me about who true friends are?It really goes too far when my friend gets jelous of the friends I have met on the internet;I would never but anyone ahead of her.she will go on MySpace and send me a comment making fun of the others who have been sending me comments because she is jelous that I'm talking to other people and not just her; and it drives her crazy that those people are people who I haven't even met before.I've seen it done,she has even done that to some of you before-does that sound familiar to anyone?She just went too far when she recently replied to a message of a guy that I talk to on MySpace from my page asking him all kinds of questions.It's none of her business.
I feel like a bad person; a backstabber,a betrayer...
I fear that I have all this anger towards my friends maybe because of the jelousy I feel towards them.I don't recall being jelous of them before they started treating me like this,but maybe the jelousy was there the whole time and I just hadn't discovered it yet.I love my friends with all my heart and I talk to them every day.That's why it makes it so hard for me to feel these emotions towards them;I almost feel as if it is all in my imagination.Yes,they did do all those things to me-but is it all that bad?Maybe I'm just making everything they do worse than it is;maybe I'm just trying to find the faults in them.I feel ashamed.Maybe they really love me and maybe they don't mean to leave me out of everything they do; maybe I'm just easy to forget about.Or maybe I'm not the true friend;I'm just so scared that I make everything into something worse when it wasn't supposed to be bad at all.I'm so confused;am I in the wrong?I'm a bad friend...