My mind is a painted canvas, but I'm not the artist.

My mind is completely filled. Not a single space left. I can't think about anything anymore; it all leads to events I wish I could forget. Mistakes I made changed my life forever. I wake up in the middle of the night, dreaming of them. I can't concentrate on anything now. Whether it's from the lack of sleep or the apathy I now exhibit, I don't know. All I know is that I can't do anything anymore. I stopped writing. My story, I loved it. It was the only way to get my mind off of things, to free me. I haven't written anything in weeks. I just can't write anything, it becomes a chore. I began reading tons again. It's strange how I find it easier to deal with a fictional characters problems than my own. But I guess thats why I tend to be the person people come to when the need to rant or have a problem. But why can't I rant? Why doesn't anyone offer to let me dump my problems on them for once? I know it sounds horrible of me, but I'm tired. Mentally, physically, emotionally. I love to help people with their problems, I do, but I just need a break. I'm not doing anything correctly in life. Everyday is the same. I'm never there, not really. Yes I'm there physically, go to school, work, doctor, where ever, but I'M not there. Body may be, but I'm elsewhere, off in my own little land. With my memories. Some good, some bad. The bad out weighing the good. I just need to get away. To leave all of this behind for a while. I'm sick of living the way I do. Everyday I plaster a smile on my face, happy to the world, screaming in my head. I have these horrid migraines on top of everything which really stop me from getting anything done. I just can't do this anymore. I can't deal with all of this shit right now. And the worst part is I have no outlet. No close friends to talk with, no journal to write in, and now I can't even write my story. I have nothing, just a fake smile. I'm sick of this. I can't do this much longer. I really can't. I'm doing worse and worse in school, jobs are, ugh well the jobs are tedious. Hell everything is. Its a fight just to pull myself out of bed and get dressed. Somedays I just want to go to school without fixing my hair up, with out putting on the make up, without caring. Just to show them that I don't care, that I don't have to get dressed and look good for them. I dunno, maybe I'm just going crazy. Either way, I know I need a long vacation away from this torment.
Posted on January 23rd, 2007 at 07:45pm

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