On the battlefront - who am I?
oh what did you mean?
oh what did you mean?
what did you mean?
We all reach a point in our lives where we question where we're at, what we want, our goals and achievements. Today alto of us say "I don't know much about myself" or "I don't know who I am", and until recently I was of the 20% that never understood this statement, surely you must know yourself better then anyone else?
That was until recently.
I guess I've finally reached that point where I honestly don't know who I am anymore. Over the past couple of months I've felt myself change, and for the worse I fear. It's been gradual and until struck me this past week, as if someone else has been living my life in my body for the past two months and I've been watching from the sidelines unable to stop them.
But the fact is I know exactly what I want from life. Its to get straight A's and A*'s in my GCSEs, go on to study all three sciences and English literature at A level, and then go onto University, most preferably Glasgow or Sheffield, although its been recently revealed to me my overprotective mother wont let me move away unless i get into Oxford or Cambridge. That involves not just full A's but also a well rounded CV which must be complete by this time next year. So the pressure is on, and it's what drives me forward, but recently I've begun to question, is that all that's driving me?
My plan was to become a doctor, a surgeon, hell I even knew exactly which course I was to take at Uni, no detail has been left unthought of.
But when I think about it all, I can't remember when I suddenly wanted to be a doctor, my parents where doctors and I always swore I never wanted to be like them. Yet what am I headed towards? My motivation through the GCSEs when I honestly question myself, wasn't to get grades to get into Oxford and get the best possible education, I'm ashamed to admit but the real reason to get me out of here, my home.
Now my family is quiet well off, there's no lack of necessities or luxuries, but my parents are overbearing and pressuring. The family conflicts have died down since last year Il admit, they are busy in their new house which suits me well, as I'm not used to their presence seeing as they where never there in my childhood always working, all I saw was their credit cards tbh.
This sudden realization that my motivation for everything I have been working for has been wrongly placed scares me, I need to know details, surprises scare me, and I dislike not being certain, or being kept in the dark., and not knowing myself is a scary thing for someone who always thought they knew themselves the best. It's hard to explain its like claustrophobia setting in, I can't help myself because I don't understand myself, and if I can't help myself, who can? It leaves a person feeling stranded.
With the results looming this Thursday my tension is heightened, I know my parents wont settle for even a single B, if i get one which I'm sure to because I messed up maths, then I dread to think what happens. You may think I'm exaggerating or overreacting, surely whats the worst that can happen? The worst is that I can be forced into this prison forever, I come from Asian background, and its traditional if a girl fails at eduction she should be married off.
I have no idea why I'm writing this blog, for once in my life I'm not dishing out advice, I'm asking for it. All I know is that if i go ahead with life the way I've planned it, all I'll do is succeed is doing what they want, I thought i was running away from it all but all I'm becoming is some trophy kid.
And it doesn't help with sudden realization everything is changing. My life so secure before is falling apart. My best friend Griff is moving away to Uni this September, and although you may ask what is a friend, this guy has had my back since I was two, I've never gone more then 2 weeks without him, it may be stupid but I'm scared to handle things on my own. I've felt myself change, and i feel like no one knows me any more, my friends can't see this trapped person anymore, because they never knew her, its like shell im living. I've conformed to my parents and started to dress more idk normally? more like a girl? The only time I feel like my old self, find myself is when I listen to certain, like just now, "Hey there Delilah".
I can't explain, but its like I've finally given into my parents, 16 years of battle and I've lost, they won in every way and all I can do to keep up the battlefront is tiny rebellions and skirmishes.
I know I need help and only I can help myself but I don't know how nor what to do next. I know I'm searching for answer that no one has, and sometimes I wonder if anyone else is going through this. Not trying to learn who they are, but figure out where the old them went? I guess Im hoping how last time I was lost GSB somehow helped me find myself, maybe it can again? How again I don't know. I know nothing anymore.
Thanks for reading.
oh what did you mean?
what did you mean?
We all reach a point in our lives where we question where we're at, what we want, our goals and achievements. Today alto of us say "I don't know much about myself" or "I don't know who I am", and until recently I was of the 20% that never understood this statement, surely you must know yourself better then anyone else?
That was until recently.
I guess I've finally reached that point where I honestly don't know who I am anymore. Over the past couple of months I've felt myself change, and for the worse I fear. It's been gradual and until struck me this past week, as if someone else has been living my life in my body for the past two months and I've been watching from the sidelines unable to stop them.
But the fact is I know exactly what I want from life. Its to get straight A's and A*'s in my GCSEs, go on to study all three sciences and English literature at A level, and then go onto University, most preferably Glasgow or Sheffield, although its been recently revealed to me my overprotective mother wont let me move away unless i get into Oxford or Cambridge. That involves not just full A's but also a well rounded CV which must be complete by this time next year. So the pressure is on, and it's what drives me forward, but recently I've begun to question, is that all that's driving me?
My plan was to become a doctor, a surgeon, hell I even knew exactly which course I was to take at Uni, no detail has been left unthought of.
But when I think about it all, I can't remember when I suddenly wanted to be a doctor, my parents where doctors and I always swore I never wanted to be like them. Yet what am I headed towards? My motivation through the GCSEs when I honestly question myself, wasn't to get grades to get into Oxford and get the best possible education, I'm ashamed to admit but the real reason to get me out of here, my home.
Now my family is quiet well off, there's no lack of necessities or luxuries, but my parents are overbearing and pressuring. The family conflicts have died down since last year Il admit, they are busy in their new house which suits me well, as I'm not used to their presence seeing as they where never there in my childhood always working, all I saw was their credit cards tbh.
This sudden realization that my motivation for everything I have been working for has been wrongly placed scares me, I need to know details, surprises scare me, and I dislike not being certain, or being kept in the dark., and not knowing myself is a scary thing for someone who always thought they knew themselves the best. It's hard to explain its like claustrophobia setting in, I can't help myself because I don't understand myself, and if I can't help myself, who can? It leaves a person feeling stranded.
With the results looming this Thursday my tension is heightened, I know my parents wont settle for even a single B, if i get one which I'm sure to because I messed up maths, then I dread to think what happens. You may think I'm exaggerating or overreacting, surely whats the worst that can happen? The worst is that I can be forced into this prison forever, I come from Asian background, and its traditional if a girl fails at eduction she should be married off.
I have no idea why I'm writing this blog, for once in my life I'm not dishing out advice, I'm asking for it. All I know is that if i go ahead with life the way I've planned it, all I'll do is succeed is doing what they want, I thought i was running away from it all but all I'm becoming is some trophy kid.
And it doesn't help with sudden realization everything is changing. My life so secure before is falling apart. My best friend Griff is moving away to Uni this September, and although you may ask what is a friend, this guy has had my back since I was two, I've never gone more then 2 weeks without him, it may be stupid but I'm scared to handle things on my own. I've felt myself change, and i feel like no one knows me any more, my friends can't see this trapped person anymore, because they never knew her, its like shell im living. I've conformed to my parents and started to dress more idk normally? more like a girl? The only time I feel like my old self, find myself is when I listen to certain, like just now, "Hey there Delilah".
I can't explain, but its like I've finally given into my parents, 16 years of battle and I've lost, they won in every way and all I can do to keep up the battlefront is tiny rebellions and skirmishes.
I know I need help and only I can help myself but I don't know how nor what to do next. I know I'm searching for answer that no one has, and sometimes I wonder if anyone else is going through this. Not trying to learn who they are, but figure out where the old them went? I guess Im hoping how last time I was lost GSB somehow helped me find myself, maybe it can again? How again I don't know. I know nothing anymore.
Thanks for reading.
thank you guys :]
sorry i havent been on much but iv been making progress on it and your comments have helped <3
paper heart., September 15th, 2007 at 03:41:13pm
hunn you can do it.
(:
you kno i'm not smart enough to give advice. but i do love you SO much.
moody fallon, September 7th, 2007 at 01:01:09am
I think it kind of is all part of growing up... A lot of kids around our age are just confused. You've lived part of your life, you look back and everything was set for you, your parents send you to school and did everything for you... and that's basically it. But then, you look ahead, and you have no idea where you'll end up. Where am I going to end up after high school? What's my job gonna be, who am I gonna marry?
And you're totally right, this is a time when you're trying to figure out who you are and what you're here for. It's confusing and scary at the same time. Because it's almost time for you to be leaving your parents, being out on your own and doing your own thing. And it can be frightening because they've always been there to decide what's going to happen next for you.
So I guess now they can't decide what you're going to do next... Only you can decide what's going to happen next. So it's totally up to you what's going to happen in the future. But you should take advantage and live it to the fullest, because you only live once.
Anyway, blog is muy excellente and just remember to have fun :]
Shorty of Suburbia, August 22nd, 2007 at 06:44:43pm
I had that feeling a ong time ago and I decided that this was who I was and I knew where I belonged.
schooldropout, August 22nd, 2007 at 05:18:35pm
I'm sure so many people are going through exactly what you are right now.
It's completely normal for a person to not be sure of who they really are, and feel lost about it at some point in their life.
You just gotta keep searching, heading towards your dreams and what YOU want too do. Because your parents won't be there your whole life, telling you what to do, because it's what they want. set the right path for yourself. things may seem hard but they will get better as time passes, and as you stay strong.
I'm sure what I just said didn't help at all,
but if you want, I'm always here to talk<3
Bubble Wrap., August 22nd, 2007 at 04:59:04am
Your blog is excellent.
I believe you will reach success, not because of the pressure you're put under, but because you really want it and you have the drive to make it happen. I wish you the best of luck in your future education.
newagecarny, August 22nd, 2007 at 01:18:02am
omg my typing is horrendous what happened? O_O
eek sorry for the grammer and hideous bad typing D:
paper heart., August 21st, 2007 at 01:09:16pm