They can't teach you how to feel free.
I'm in such a confusion, I can't tell whether I'm wrong, or if they are wrong.
No matter which grown up person I turn to, I'm told and fed with the message that I'm so clever, and I will go so far, and take care of your talent and blah blah. I sound like a complete idiot now, I know, but what I mean is that it gives me such pressure. I know that I don't have to be more than what I consider good, and I am, at least when it comes to school and 'being clever' and shit.
But what I'm also told, is what I should do, and what choices I should make. I'm told to write 294892 pages instead of two or three, I'm told to choose that subject for gymnasiet, I'm told to talk that way, I'm told to stop doing those things, and at the same time, I'm told that it's amazing how I have such a self confidence, and that it's fantastic how I can be myself in all situations.
I must say; I'm getting sick of it! I don't want to have to stand up for myself, my friends and the things I love, all the time! I'm not supposed to have to do it!
As walking through the school corridor, I here people calling each other 'wh0re' or 'gay', I hear them call me 'emo', and it comes back to the same old thing - I'm sick of standing up for myself all the time! Emo is a music genre, I've told people a thousand times before, but I'm so sick of it. I admit that I no longer turn around to tell them to fuck off each time I hear it, because I'm losing my will. This society, and the things that surround me every single day, are driving me insane.
I hate being caught in a cage.
I hate being told what to do.
As in school. All the things I mentioned.
I do well in school, and I'm aware of it, but it annoys me how everyone thinks it's only rainbows and butterflies. I would say, that it brings the same pressure as being a bad student.
And all the prejudice! Ugh!
Justcause I'm 'smart', I'm not supposed to dress the way I do.
Justcause I'm 'kind', I'm not supposed to get mad or curse.
Justcause I dress the way I do, I'm not supposed to like that kind of music, or think that kind of person is cool, and so on.
Justcause I do well in school, I'm supposed to love it and not skip.
I do all the kind of things that 'normal students' do. I hate science tests just as much as them. Why would 'being smart' part me from the crowd?
The only way I'd like to be parted from the crowd, is how I dress and what I do, think and say. Not what kind of work I do in school!
There's a difference in PE, though, because that subject is a nightmare for me. Probably for the teacher too. I really don't care if I get a D or something in it, I just don't mind.
The teachers, on the other hand, try to push me to do my best, and I do, but my best isn't to take part of all PE education. I just can't.
1) My body is far from built for running fast, jumping and so on. I'm not overweight or fat at all, but my knees are pointed inwards and so on.
2) It makes me feel ridiculous. At times, the teacher tries to make me run on my own track, or do the things separated from the others, as if it made it any better. It ridicules me, I feel ashamed, and I know that I don't belong. I'm not athletic, I'm not interested, and I skip it as much as I can.
'It's my job to support you into G!' (G is for Godkänd, the lowest approved level in Swedish grades) 'There's a law on it!'
... isn't there a law for free will, too?
How can teachers and all those grown up people, and people my age as well, tell me that it's amazing how I have such a confidence?
Because I have not. Not at all.
There are many issues I 'suffer' from, and many of them flow out from the confusing things I'm told all the time. I hate hearing that I'm good, and I hate hearing that I'm not so good at anything.
So by telling me how amazing my 'self confidence' is, they only detoriorate me.
It's so hard to be yourself in this world we live in.
No matter which grown up person I turn to, I'm told and fed with the message that I'm so clever, and I will go so far, and take care of your talent and blah blah. I sound like a complete idiot now, I know, but what I mean is that it gives me such pressure. I know that I don't have to be more than what I consider good, and I am, at least when it comes to school and 'being clever' and shit.
But what I'm also told, is what I should do, and what choices I should make. I'm told to write 294892 pages instead of two or three, I'm told to choose that subject for gymnasiet, I'm told to talk that way, I'm told to stop doing those things, and at the same time, I'm told that it's amazing how I have such a self confidence, and that it's fantastic how I can be myself in all situations.
I must say; I'm getting sick of it! I don't want to have to stand up for myself, my friends and the things I love, all the time! I'm not supposed to have to do it!
As walking through the school corridor, I here people calling each other 'wh0re' or 'gay', I hear them call me 'emo', and it comes back to the same old thing - I'm sick of standing up for myself all the time! Emo is a music genre, I've told people a thousand times before, but I'm so sick of it. I admit that I no longer turn around to tell them to fuck off each time I hear it, because I'm losing my will. This society, and the things that surround me every single day, are driving me insane.
I hate being caught in a cage.
I hate being told what to do.
As in school. All the things I mentioned.
I do well in school, and I'm aware of it, but it annoys me how everyone thinks it's only rainbows and butterflies. I would say, that it brings the same pressure as being a bad student.
And all the prejudice! Ugh!
Justcause I'm 'smart', I'm not supposed to dress the way I do.
Justcause I'm 'kind', I'm not supposed to get mad or curse.
Justcause I dress the way I do, I'm not supposed to like that kind of music, or think that kind of person is cool, and so on.
Justcause I do well in school, I'm supposed to love it and not skip.
I do all the kind of things that 'normal students' do. I hate science tests just as much as them. Why would 'being smart' part me from the crowd?
The only way I'd like to be parted from the crowd, is how I dress and what I do, think and say. Not what kind of work I do in school!
There's a difference in PE, though, because that subject is a nightmare for me. Probably for the teacher too. I really don't care if I get a D or something in it, I just don't mind.
The teachers, on the other hand, try to push me to do my best, and I do, but my best isn't to take part of all PE education. I just can't.
1) My body is far from built for running fast, jumping and so on. I'm not overweight or fat at all, but my knees are pointed inwards and so on.
2) It makes me feel ridiculous. At times, the teacher tries to make me run on my own track, or do the things separated from the others, as if it made it any better. It ridicules me, I feel ashamed, and I know that I don't belong. I'm not athletic, I'm not interested, and I skip it as much as I can.
'It's my job to support you into G!' (G is for Godkänd, the lowest approved level in Swedish grades) 'There's a law on it!'
... isn't there a law for free will, too?
How can teachers and all those grown up people, and people my age as well, tell me that it's amazing how I have such a confidence?
Because I have not. Not at all.
There are many issues I 'suffer' from, and many of them flow out from the confusing things I'm told all the time. I hate hearing that I'm good, and I hate hearing that I'm not so good at anything.
So by telling me how amazing my 'self confidence' is, they only detoriorate me.
It's so hard to be yourself in this world we live in.
I know exactly how you feel. I always got pressured to work well ect. And whenever I got a grade that wasn't perfect, I got pressured even more. It bothered me so much that I started to mess around and refuse to work. Then my parents and teachers realised what they'd been doing and stopped pressuring me so much. I'm much happier now.
This was a nice blog, I can really relate to it.
& I hope things get better for you in time. :)
lili, November 8th, 2007 at 04:25:10pm