My friend was raped (please, I need help)
My friend says that he woke up to find his best friend spooning him and jacking him off. He says he sat there confused for a minute, and that he made him come. Apparently he then went to the bathroom and sat there for an hour. Then he put on sweat pants and went back to bed. He says this isn't the first time his friend has "cuddled" with him in his sleep but he just let it pass.
Now, don't second guess me here, I've talked about this with him and I'm sure it's true, so please no comments about how it's possibly untrue.
Anyway, first order of business:
I've tried talking about this with my friend who was raped (let's call him John, and let's call the rapist Jack) and he is very adverse to anything being done about this. At first, he was like "No, I'm going to let this pass and just go on with my life. Stop making me remember about it" but now I've had John promise that he'll talk to our school guidance counselor about it and he says he's just not comfortble to talk about it with Jack right now.
Basically, one other person knows and we'll call her Sarah. She says this is none of my business and it's his choice about what to do and I shouldn't do anything. I strongly disagree: my friend was RAPED and I'm supposed to just let it slide? I'll show you a little of my conversation with her (on AIM). Bold is her, regular is me:
He's going to talk to [our school guidance counselor] and he knows it was on purpose because [Jack] tried to spoon with him before and he pushed him away and [Jack] asked if they were still cool and he said yeah
You have to leave this alone for now. He'll know what to do.
How can you just leave alone rape? And he won't, he TOLD me he'd just not ever say anything about it
Because it's not really your business. It's his choice...[John] is smart, he'll do the right thing
I know it's not my business, but if you witnessed a rape would you just walk away?
You didn't witness it
I didn't witness it, but I know about it. It's nearly the same thing.
But it's not your choice
This is like the witness thing from Ethics last year
Yeah, but it's his choice
How can you just say it's his choice not to help himself? He's smart but he's not going to do anything about it. He NEEDS to solve this, or he'll just remember it forever and his friendship with [Jack] will never be okay again
And my conversation with John himself (he's bold, I'm regular):
Do you realize that eventually if you and [Jack] don't solve this parents or [our school guidance counselor] will have to know this?
No
I talked to him last year about stuff and he was very helpful. You don't have to outright tell him what happened but if you just need to talk about the deal on the terms that "i was violated" he can help. Well it's going to have to happen, I can't just let this walk away
I'll talk to him, just stop talking about it to me.
Will you really?
Yes
Alright, I'm really sorry about this. Do you want me to set up a meeting or can I trust you to do it yourself?
I'll do it, please just stop intervening
Okay, thank you.
Basically, I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or not. I really need help. Please help if you have any experience or just ideas.
Now, don't second guess me here, I've talked about this with him and I'm sure it's true, so please no comments about how it's possibly untrue.
Anyway, first order of business:
I've tried talking about this with my friend who was raped (let's call him John, and let's call the rapist Jack) and he is very adverse to anything being done about this. At first, he was like "No, I'm going to let this pass and just go on with my life. Stop making me remember about it" but now I've had John promise that he'll talk to our school guidance counselor about it and he says he's just not comfortble to talk about it with Jack right now.
Basically, one other person knows and we'll call her Sarah. She says this is none of my business and it's his choice about what to do and I shouldn't do anything. I strongly disagree: my friend was RAPED and I'm supposed to just let it slide? I'll show you a little of my conversation with her (on AIM). Bold is her, regular is me:
He's going to talk to [our school guidance counselor] and he knows it was on purpose because [Jack] tried to spoon with him before and he pushed him away and [Jack] asked if they were still cool and he said yeah
You have to leave this alone for now. He'll know what to do.
How can you just leave alone rape? And he won't, he TOLD me he'd just not ever say anything about it
Because it's not really your business. It's his choice...[John] is smart, he'll do the right thing
I know it's not my business, but if you witnessed a rape would you just walk away?
You didn't witness it
I didn't witness it, but I know about it. It's nearly the same thing.
But it's not your choice
This is like the witness thing from Ethics last year
Yeah, but it's his choice
How can you just say it's his choice not to help himself? He's smart but he's not going to do anything about it. He NEEDS to solve this, or he'll just remember it forever and his friendship with [Jack] will never be okay again
And my conversation with John himself (he's bold, I'm regular):
Do you realize that eventually if you and [Jack] don't solve this parents or [our school guidance counselor] will have to know this?
No
I talked to him last year about stuff and he was very helpful. You don't have to outright tell him what happened but if you just need to talk about the deal on the terms that "i was violated" he can help. Well it's going to have to happen, I can't just let this walk away
I'll talk to him, just stop talking about it to me.
Will you really?
Yes
Alright, I'm really sorry about this. Do you want me to set up a meeting or can I trust you to do it yourself?
I'll do it, please just stop intervening
Okay, thank you.
Basically, I don't know if I'm doing the right thing or not. I really need help. Please help if you have any experience or just ideas.
Thanks, I think he'll be alright
Miley Cyrus, November 20th, 2007 at 11:44:59pm
your deffinatly doing the right thing. just don't force it on him. it doesn't seem like you are though.
I agree with pure.idiocy
*hugs*
I hope things work out<33
Bubble Wrap., November 20th, 2007 at 01:33:22am
Okay, thanks a lot for your help.
Miley Cyrus, November 18th, 2007 at 06:14:09pm
I can't help but agree with pure idiocy. Most guys who do get raped, seriously do not want to talk about it and they think if they report it they will be come less of a man. Obviously he doesn't want to talk about and you can't force him to, maybe if you forget he will eventually feel as if nobody knows.
missand, November 18th, 2007 at 03:48:34pm
I agree with Pure idiocy
just be supportive if you see weird behavior from him then try to get him help. Dont force ppl into somethings if they wish not to be.
*hugs*
Rain, November 18th, 2007 at 05:19:41am
It is not surprising he just wants to forget about it. Male rape is very difficult for guys to deal with. Most incidences go unreported often for fear of what others will think, and the link drawn with homosexuality, and the age old claptrap of 'men can't be raped'. Basically you shouldn't force him in to anything, but be a supportive friend. One thing you could do is get in contact with a support group in your area for victims of this type of offending, just to seek some information from them on what you can do to help your friend. You don't have to give details, it can all be confidential. But keep an eye on him for any changes in behaviour, that could point to ongoing trauma for him and his mental and emotional wellbeing is paramount. If he doesn't wish to persue a legal recourse, you can't force him to.
Grandma, November 18th, 2007 at 05:15:25am