2007
When I scroll down the list of blogs, all I see is blogs on 2007. What you experienced, what you learned, what you saw, what good things happened?
As I look back to the same day a year ago, I can do nothing but feeling empty.
Where did it all go?
I promised myself, 365 days ago, to live my life at full, because it can be over anytime.
I didn't keep the bargain with myself. I lied, and I feel so bad about it now.
There are black holes in my head, I can barely remember many great things about 2007. If I'd get the question; "How was 2007, Alice?" I would absolutely and honestly go "It was shit."
Let's separate this blog into a few parts;
Love.
It's what we all want but never get, isn't it?
Early January, 2007, I knew that there would soon be hard phases to go through. I knew that he'd be gone soon. I tried to prepare myself, but I realize now that I could have done better, and not even half of this misery would have strucked me down afterwards.
That one thing I will always remember from January, is the 15th. His face as he stood in the doorway, he seemed to brightly shine from the brickwall behind us. There were the sky blue eyes, the black fringe playfully falling down in them, the birth mark at the upper lip and that Metallica shirt. I shall never forget it. We made a deal, a pact.
It reminds me of the deal I promised myself. I didn't succeed.
Love + 2007 is to me something I did learn from, but to a horrible price that I could have defended myself against better.
I did the wrong thing; but what I learned from it was only that Everyone makes mistakes, so did you, but I have never learned what mistakes we did. All I know is that I'll never see him again.
I'm scared. It will take me longer than these five months that have passed since I last saw you, to recover the wounds. I can't blame you, though. It was my mistakes causing me my pain. I'm assured that there's no plague in you, like there's a plague in me.
Friendship.
Straight away; I have lost so many friends this year. There is a definite reason, really, but it's so hard to be honest with it. I always find myself cursing over the friends who left me alone, and knew they hurt me, and how they traded me and enjoyed it.
But am I sure? No, I'm not.
Nowadays, I'm just another face in the crowd to a girl I was close friends with a year ago. It frustrates me that she turned against her own will and her own opinions, and it frustrates me that I watched it happen but didn't react, and it frustrates me that I inside do know that everyone makes mistakes, but she hasn't realized it yet.
Also, I had a band consisting of three great guys and me. I know it was my fault, as I'm sort of a leader, and I stopped to think. Or perhaps, I thought too much.
All I wanted was to make the perfect music, the perfect performances and put all pieces together to a perfect band. I went too far. I ruined our band, and I ruined our friendship.
Music.
Since my band broke up, I have detoriorated as a guitarist. I have no more inspiration to play or to create. It's all gone. There is no longer a place where I can feel proud, there is no longer a place where we can let our feelings out together. It's all gone.
I have done a few solo performances, but it's far from as entertaining as playing with the band. Yes, entertaining others has to entertain yourself!
I get compliments about my voice, my songs and so on, but it all reminds me of our band.
Health.
My physical health has been no problem, I only had a rough cold in September.
The mental health hasn't, however, been on top. There's been a lot of anger, self-hate, a few illusions and phobias.
The utter side of me.
In 2006 and the beginning of 2007, I wore fancy skirts with dozens of socks, a ton of bracelets and always my hair bows. It matched my mood, I suppose, I was the outgoing, funny, unafraid and laughing girl.
During 2007, my appearance has changed. I've stopped to mind about styling my hair too much, and I usually just put on a pair of skinny jeans and a t-shirt. I've lost my inspiration.
2007 was also the year that;
- I went to the Pier Pressure festival and saw bands such as My Chemical Romance.
- I saw The Ark two times
- I went to Gothenburg in July
- I went to Boda Borg with my class
- The last, and so amazing, Harry Potter book came out
- I painted a quite good 'No Feelings' picture
- The entire summer rained away and caused floods in the city
- I got to know Angelica
- Marie became one of my best friends
I should be grateful for still being alive, still standing here, my heart still beating.
but how can I feel so greatful, when it feels like all that ever meant something to me was stolen? And all the things I wished to come true were cancelled? And all the things I fought for were laughed at?
I'll remember 2007 as the year that... that... ate shit.
As I look back to the same day a year ago, I can do nothing but feeling empty.
Where did it all go?
I promised myself, 365 days ago, to live my life at full, because it can be over anytime.
I didn't keep the bargain with myself. I lied, and I feel so bad about it now.
There are black holes in my head, I can barely remember many great things about 2007. If I'd get the question; "How was 2007, Alice?" I would absolutely and honestly go "It was shit."
Let's separate this blog into a few parts;
Love.
It's what we all want but never get, isn't it?
Early January, 2007, I knew that there would soon be hard phases to go through. I knew that he'd be gone soon. I tried to prepare myself, but I realize now that I could have done better, and not even half of this misery would have strucked me down afterwards.
That one thing I will always remember from January, is the 15th. His face as he stood in the doorway, he seemed to brightly shine from the brickwall behind us. There were the sky blue eyes, the black fringe playfully falling down in them, the birth mark at the upper lip and that Metallica shirt. I shall never forget it. We made a deal, a pact.
It reminds me of the deal I promised myself. I didn't succeed.
Love + 2007 is to me something I did learn from, but to a horrible price that I could have defended myself against better.
I did the wrong thing; but what I learned from it was only that Everyone makes mistakes, so did you, but I have never learned what mistakes we did. All I know is that I'll never see him again.
I'm scared. It will take me longer than these five months that have passed since I last saw you, to recover the wounds. I can't blame you, though. It was my mistakes causing me my pain. I'm assured that there's no plague in you, like there's a plague in me.
Friendship.
Straight away; I have lost so many friends this year. There is a definite reason, really, but it's so hard to be honest with it. I always find myself cursing over the friends who left me alone, and knew they hurt me, and how they traded me and enjoyed it.
But am I sure? No, I'm not.
Nowadays, I'm just another face in the crowd to a girl I was close friends with a year ago. It frustrates me that she turned against her own will and her own opinions, and it frustrates me that I watched it happen but didn't react, and it frustrates me that I inside do know that everyone makes mistakes, but she hasn't realized it yet.
Also, I had a band consisting of three great guys and me. I know it was my fault, as I'm sort of a leader, and I stopped to think. Or perhaps, I thought too much.
All I wanted was to make the perfect music, the perfect performances and put all pieces together to a perfect band. I went too far. I ruined our band, and I ruined our friendship.
Music.
Since my band broke up, I have detoriorated as a guitarist. I have no more inspiration to play or to create. It's all gone. There is no longer a place where I can feel proud, there is no longer a place where we can let our feelings out together. It's all gone.
I have done a few solo performances, but it's far from as entertaining as playing with the band. Yes, entertaining others has to entertain yourself!
I get compliments about my voice, my songs and so on, but it all reminds me of our band.
Health.
My physical health has been no problem, I only had a rough cold in September.
The mental health hasn't, however, been on top. There's been a lot of anger, self-hate, a few illusions and phobias.
The utter side of me.
In 2006 and the beginning of 2007, I wore fancy skirts with dozens of socks, a ton of bracelets and always my hair bows. It matched my mood, I suppose, I was the outgoing, funny, unafraid and laughing girl.
During 2007, my appearance has changed. I've stopped to mind about styling my hair too much, and I usually just put on a pair of skinny jeans and a t-shirt. I've lost my inspiration.
2007 was also the year that;
- I went to the Pier Pressure festival and saw bands such as My Chemical Romance.
- I saw The Ark two times
- I went to Gothenburg in July
- I went to Boda Borg with my class
- The last, and so amazing, Harry Potter book came out
- I painted a quite good 'No Feelings' picture
- The entire summer rained away and caused floods in the city
- I got to know Angelica
- Marie became one of my best friends
I should be grateful for still being alive, still standing here, my heart still beating.
but how can I feel so greatful, when it feels like all that ever meant something to me was stolen? And all the things I wished to come true were cancelled? And all the things I fought for were laughed at?
I'll remember 2007 as the year that... that... ate shit.
=\ i'm sorrry your year sucked so bad.
but youcan always turn those things around.
find even better friends, have another band and work even harder, and try to change the things you did before. you've obviously got talent, don't let one let down screw you over for life.
keep pushing through, and i do know how you feel. my 2007 was pretty sh*tty too.
but in the end everything that happened will make us stronger. hang in there.
*hugs* i'm always here to talk
Bubble Wrap., January 1st, 2008 at 03:05:34pm