Where do we go from here?

For the past ten months, I've been in a relationship with this guy. He's everything I thought I wanted and after going on our first date, we became inseparable. He moved in with me and my family two months after we got together.

Fast forward to now and I'm in a dilemma.

You see, before we got together, I was teetering on getting back with my ex. The day before I met my current bf, I told my ex that he had broken my heart too many times and I couldn't put up with his games. I said that if he truly loved me, he would let me go completely. In turn, he told me he would always love me- he wanted us to get married someday and then he did what I asked. I haven't heard from him since.

I think part of the attraction to my bf was because he is similar to my ex in numerous ways. The way they talk, their laugh, thier interests... One of my friends actually thought my bf was my ex because they sounded so alike over the phone.

But recently I find myself missing my ex. In some ways I wish that we were still together. I dreamt that we were having an affair last night- it is something I think about alot but would never do.
I guess these feelings stem from what I'm going through with my bf. Before we got together, he was a semi-professional football player.

He broke his ribs during a match and ended up puncturing both his lungs. He had surgery, but the hospital messed things up, stayed there in hospital for almost six months and he hasn't been the same since he left. He's had to give up the only thing he was good at and it kills him now, that even when he plays for fun, his health is so poor he can't run without being in pain and having trouble breathing.

He tried to kill himself not long after coming out of hospital and was sectioned in a mental institute for a week then released, because they realised that it was a cry for help. He didn't actuallly wasnt to die. Since then, he hasn't been able to work, he lost all of his friends, his family didnt really care about him and his confidence was at an all time low. Then I came along and things started to get better for him.

Cut to the chase and basically, I'm struggling. His demons are resurfacing and I'm having to deal with the brunt of his problems. I cant go out, go on the net, speak to my friends about how I feel because of him being insecure. My ex added me on Facebook and I had to delete him because my bf and I had a major arguement.

Simple things like me saying Tre Cool is handsome causes an arguement and I cant take it anymore. When I do get then chance to go out, he wants to know who was there, who I was with, if any guys approached me... everything. When I'm on the phone, he wants to know who it was and what we spoke about... If he found out I wrote this, it would honestly cause so much hassle, I'm scared to carry on incase he reads it over my shoulder; something else he does when Im on the computer.
But I have to get this out.

I've told him how I feel, and he says he wont do it anymore; he doesnt want to hurt me, but yet thats all I feel he does. He has a vile temper and starts beating himself up physically or throwing things because he's angry. I know he'd never hit me, but it still scares and angers me to see him do that to himself. He has taken steps to get some help and talk to someone, but only because I gave him an ultimatum about it.

But now we're struggling because I'm working and he's not. It's getting harder to pay bills and just get through each day because we have no money. He's been on plently of job interviews and works when he can, but his pride has gotten in the way so many times, it prevents him from seeing anything beyond the point of his nose and keeping a job for the long term.

Nothing was ever this hard for me before he came along. Now everyday there is always something I have face, pay off or do and it's draining me. The crunch point came when last night he had a nightmare and he woke up screaming and crying and I felt nothing. Infact, I was so angry at him because he woke me up, amoungst other things, that I didn't go back to sleep for hours.

My friends tell me that love isn't supposed to hurt, but this one does. I question whether I really love him or if I'm still with him out of pity. And that's no basis for any relationship. I miss my ex because he had his own life; he gave me freedom and he could provide for me if I needed it, there was a passion there which still hasnt disipated even after a year and a supposed new love. It was stress free, and happy, though he could be an arsehole.

My bf knows somethings up, but I'm worried that if I tell him how I really feel, it could push him over the edge and I really don't want to be like his family; to turn my back on him when he's at a low point.

He is truly lovely beyond all of this- it's not all bad, but I really dont know where we go from here...
Posted on April 16th, 2008 at 05:16am

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