GSB is the only place i know i can go...

i like GSB because i can write anything on here and usually at least one person reads my blogs. right now i just need to let some things out. today was one of the worst days of my life.

so it started out good, right? i wake up at six and i realize that i don't have to get up because i'm not in school anymore, graduation is next week! so i go back to sleep. then i get a phone call around eight. things start to turn bad...
my friend carrie calls me to tell me a girl at our school commited suicide last night...

i didn't know Laura. i knew who she was though...she was Audrey's sister. Audrey is a girl in my grade who i used to be friends with. no one really likes her now because she annoys everyone...but no one deserves what has happened to her family.

so me and carrie went back to school for seventh period (all the underclassmen still had class, seniors just got out a few days early). seventh period is band. everyone is quiet. the halls are quiet. the teachers are quiet. people said that every class was like this one, no one said much, no work was done..people cried all day, teachers and students.

so i'm sad, but it doesn't seem real, and it doesn't really affect me because i didn't really know her.

i get a text message after i get home saying at nine tonight they were going to have a candlelight service at the football field. i decided to go to support my friends who did know her. i didn't think it would affect me much.

if you haven't been to a candlelight service for someone who has died with all of their friends and family around, crying, it is truly heartbreaking. hundreds of people were there, crying and holding candles. no one knew what to do, out town is small and there really aren't suicides, not by high schoolers at least. we all just stood around, crying. some people gave short speeches about talking to each other, loving each other, before it is too late. i couldn't help but cry. just recently my friend morgan tried to kill herself. all i could think about was how this could have been a service for morgan...i would have been so crushed. morgan was the person i went to the service with...so i cried a lot. then something else happened that broke my heart and i lost it. my friend Josh was the girl who killed herself's cousin. if anyone has read the several blogs i wrote about Josh then deleted shortly after you will know how much i care about him. well anyway, he was crying. he was sobbing and i've never seen him cry, i've never seen him so so sad...i went and hugged him and he just cried and hugged me tight and i couldn't say anything, i just hugged him while he cried. it hurt so bad to have to hear him cry like that, see him that sad...i care about him a lot, more than many people. he doesn't know how much he means to me...that was one of the worst few minutes of my entire life. i finally walked away because morgan had walked away, crying. she was hugging her friend for a long time and josh was still near by, still crying...i could only hear his sobs and it was killing me. i was crying so hard, i wanted to leave so bad. i placed my candle with all the other candles in a a circle in the middle of the football field. everything seemed so unreal...so many people were crying...i couldn't stop hearing Josh...i was really dying on this inside, i couldn't stop thinking about how i wish i could still be holding Josh and how glad i was morgan was right by my side tonight, and how this could have been me when i was Laura's age. i tried to kill myself when i was a freshman...

if anyone is thinking of suicide, please remember that there are so many people that would be hurt so bad if you died. if you think no one would cry for you, you are wrong. i know i wasnt' the only one there who didnt' know Laura. but i am crushed because this is hurting one of my best friends. and i am sad because this could have been morgan or me. if you could only see how many sad people there was...you would never think of killing yourself. i know i will never think of killing myself again. and i think morgan really understood what i told her so many times before-- you will really hurt everyone who loves you if you kill yourself. just don't do it, theres always something better, always something happier.

if anyone is thinking about commiting suicide, talk to someone you love. talk to me if you can't talk to anyone else, i'll listen. or call 1-800-SUICIDE. anything is better than dying, believe me no matter who you are, you will be missed sorely, so please please please don't do it.

today was a rough day for many people...