needle in the hay

you idiot kid, you don't have a clue

I don't consider blogging about this again too bad. I usually only blog when I have something to bitch about. Sorry, but it's just something I can get out of my head, if even for just now.

I am so fucking stressed. This whole summer has been bullshit. There was about three weeks of great, that's all. The three weeks I was in Wyoming, which is my home state.
And I had the best time ever there. It was great, seeing all my friends, reminiscing, seeing Will, etc. Just great. But it started looking down, even while I was there. It just became really depressing. I miss a lot. I miss feeling happy. I miss Taylor. I miss feeling normal, whatever that used to be for me, anyway. I miss the routine. Now I'm just sort of going with whatever life throws at me, not really attempting to do one thing or another, just letting it happen.
So many depressing songs stick in my head, and the lyrics hum around in there like haunting memories. It's nauseating to me. This whole summer has been devastating and a huge train wreck. First it was Taylor, cutting me out of his life, treating me truly disgusting like. Being a true asshole, if I do say so myself. Now, maybe there's reasoning behind it. I was a little distant to him at times during our relationship, but nobody's perfect alright? I was confused, feeling other things for people that I probably shouldn't have. But that was the first long term relationship I've ever been in. I mean yeah, a year and a half isn't too long. But... longer than most of my friends have ever been in a relationship, I can say that much.

I can't even fully express how I feel about it all. Honestly, there's too many thought that I have on it. Way too many. And the stupid most moronic thing I could do was go and fall for another guy when I'm still so fragile and vulnerable.
And I did it. I fucking slipped up again. His name is Will. He's great. He makes me laugh, he's crazy and fun, he has such similar tastes to me, and we can agree and joke about basically anything.
He fucked me over, big time. He did it so fast, it took a couple days to hit me really hard. I told him I thought I was falling in love with him, because honestly, I've really known him since October, and had on and off feelings for him since then too. So it was about five days ago that I told him my strong feelings, in which he actually responded. See, usually he never said much to me when I told him I liked him a lot, or thought he was great, or anything like that he wouldn't respond to. Anything sentimental that I said he would basically ignore.
But I told him this, praying he wouldn't ignore me and put me through that pain. He didn't. He said he thought he was growing pretty attached to me as well. Which put my heart in a weird place, because I was happy. Happy that he'd said that, not even really knowing if it was the truth or not. And of course, when I think a guy likes me almost as much as I like him, I put up my wall. Yeah, that's what I call it when I try to get the guy to stop liking me by telling them my assortment of issues. So I did this to him, and I wondered to myself if he noticed that I was attempting to get him to stop liking me. And seconds after, he said "Clare. Why are you pushing me away?" So obviously he did notice. So I said that's sort of what I do when a guy says he has strong feelings for me cuz I don't want to get in too deep. So after this, he said nothing much, and it was late, so I got off.
He treated me really sweetly the next day. But just that day. The day after that, and the next one, he started talking to me a LOT less. Pretty much ignored my texts. I'd have to text him a couple times before he responded. Now, that was while I was still in Wyoming. So I came back just this Wednesday, and Thursday night he tells me that he's found someone else.
He fucking found someone else. Just that fast, and ironically enough, right after I claim my strong feelings for him. He didn't do much in the way of apologizing, and I just felt like hell.
he found someone else and he knows how you feel. he doesn't like you at all. he's using you
that's the thought that's been going through my head since then. He manipulated me, he fucking used me, he played me. All within about two weeks. It hurts me so bad that I can't even cry about it. I can't even feel anything but anger and pain, and stress.
He keeps blowing me off when I so badly need to tell him that I want him out of my fucking life. I want to tell him in person, but it's hard since he lives forty minutes away from me and like I said, keeps blowing me off.
I have no emotions anymore. They're all fake and used up. I hate everything. This whole summer has been like an ending chapter to my god damn life. Maybe I'll just finish the whole depressing book off.