you are tearing me apart.

why do guys have to be so confusing...

i think i'm dying. really. i didn't think he had the capability anymore to break my heart. but he really did.

i had the longest talk ever with josh. it was about relationships and sex. pretty uncomfortable normally, but with him its not.

well we talked earlier today on the phone for about an hour and i found out that my friend was being a bitch and telling him to stay away from us. so i was crushed, i mean, hes my best friend. nothing more, but still my best friend. he was really upset and thought that everyone was making fun of him and excluding him so i made a point to tell him that i wasn't and i value his friendship more than anyone else here. i've known him for like five or six years, almost the entire time i've lived in urbana, and these other people i've only known for two weeks tops. i'd do just about anything for him, i love him a lot, he is like my best friend.

so they have all been saying hes gay and stuff, and i kinda joined in a little on the jokes since he pretty much broke my heart when he told me that he didn't like me as more than a friend. i never really saw him as more than a friend until recently, and it was his fault. then he says that...and so my friends try to make it better by saying he's gay. but i don't care anymore, i am going to stick up for him no matter what. i decided that hes my best friend, not them. i don't care if he doesn't like me like that because i have loved him as a friend for way too long for this to happen. i don't want to lose him.

so we hung out today. from like nine till midnight. just walking around, talking about everything important that has to do with relationships. it was kind of torture. but i was so happy to be alone with him, without all my "friends" making fun of him, talking to him like i used to. but then he shocked me. he took me up to my dorm room to continue our conversation. i told him i love to talk to him. he said he loves to talk to me. i told him that i've loved talking to him ever since we first met. then he randomly brings everything back up. he rambles on about how anna told him that things might change in the future or something and about not liking me as more than a friend. so i'm kind of puzzled, why would he say that again? its like hes trying to convince himself that he doesn't like me as more than a friend. and he told me over and over that i'm really attractive and thats why he was flirting with me and all this other stuff that was just breaking my heart. we are best friends and he thinks i'm attractive, we have everything in common, and i really really like him. so why can't he like me? isn't that what a relationship is supposed to be? the guy likes the girl cause shes attractive and they have a lot of similar interests? i don't get it. i've never found any guy like him, especially one who thinks i'm attractive. why is he doing this to me? hes told me over and over that he doesn't like me like that. now hes telling me i'm really attractive. and hes being so blunt about everything, its not like him. he pretty much told me tonight every fear he has about relationships and everything he likes, wants, doesn't like, doesn't want. hes just killing me.

he said he didn't want to be in a relationship yet hes sad and pessimistic because he is afraid he will miss out on relationships in college. the way he was talking to me and looking at me tonight was really different. i can't even begin to write about some of the things we talked about, it was just so much. i don't know if i've ever been so torn. part of me doesn't care that we aren't dating, well a lot of me doesn't care. i value his friendship and its more than attraction. the other part of me is really confused cause he never said this stuff before. and i thought that once he told me that he didn't like me like that it would be over and we could go back to our normal friendship. but he keeps bringing it up.

i can't take this.