i want you, i want you so bad
so...
me and austin have been hanging out all the time now. everyone figures we are dating...but we aren't. and its starting to bug me a bit.
we started hanging out knowing that we weren't going to date, not yet at least. he cheated on his girlfriend with me a few weeks ago. then this week he tried to cheat on her again with me. i told him that it wasn't fair for him to do this to either of us. so he broke up with her and we've hung out every day except for thursday this week and he spent the night last night.
its not like we are having sex or anything, but we are doing things. plus we are watching movies and talking and texting and pretty much everything that two people who are dating each other do.
i tried not to have feelings for him. we both knew that our relationship was a really physical one, but we have A LOT in common. we agreed on tuesday when he broke up with his gf that we'd continue hanging out and see what happens. we might end up dating. but now that we've hung out a lot, i am starting to have more feelings towards him, and i kind of wish we were dating...i don't know how to tell him this. i know he likes me, but since we started this out as a physical relationship, i don't know if he would actually date me. he's been more and more sweet to me as we hang out more. like he'll kiss me without expecting more. and he holds my hand sometimes...hugs me, smiles....all the little things that you do when you date someone that eventually you don't even think about anymore and take for granted. those are the things that make me fall for him...
yesterday when he spend the night it was not like you would think. we didn't have sex. we did mess around, but not at first. we watched across the universe the entire way through just holding hands...it was really cute. i couldn't even do that with my ex. he always had to mess around during a movie...so i was really surprised that me and austin didn't do anything. and he randomly kissed me a lot more than normal...it was really cute. but i hate myself for thinking like this. i know i'm going to be disappointed. i like him. i told him that. he says he likes me too. but i don't know. i can't really blame him for "using me" cause we agreed that we weren't going to date, at least not at first. but i am afraid that is what is going to happen. i don't know. i keep going over it in my head.
would he break up with his girlfriend for me if he only intended to screw around with me?
would he spend so much time with me, at my request, not his?
would he actually watch the movies with me?
would he care enough to kiss me goodbye when he left this morning if he was just using me...
i dont' know the answers. i could only hope that they are all no and that all those are signs that he actually has feelings for me. but i really don't know. i've never been in this kind of situation. and he says he never has either. i don't know what made us decide to do this. extreme, instant attraction to each other lead to him cheating on his girlfriend with me which led to him not talking to me really for awhile which led to the next time we hung out he said he liked me and tried to kiss me and i said i like him but no so he broke up with his girlfriend now we hang out all the time and kiss and do more all the time and he says he likes me...and hes never done this...and i've never done this...now what do i do? i like him. i want to be able to tell everyone that i'm not really some slut who just messes around with random guys. thats not me. i want to be able to tell them that ausitn is my boyfriend and it just took us a while to make it official...i've never been the slutty loose girl. i don't want that to be me. thats what i am right now.
but thats another thing. we've hung out a lot, messed around a lot. one thing he has never, ever asked for, though, is sex. ironically. if he was using me wouldn't he have tried by now? idk anymore....
this is too much to think about.
me and austin have been hanging out all the time now. everyone figures we are dating...but we aren't. and its starting to bug me a bit.
we started hanging out knowing that we weren't going to date, not yet at least. he cheated on his girlfriend with me a few weeks ago. then this week he tried to cheat on her again with me. i told him that it wasn't fair for him to do this to either of us. so he broke up with her and we've hung out every day except for thursday this week and he spent the night last night.
its not like we are having sex or anything, but we are doing things. plus we are watching movies and talking and texting and pretty much everything that two people who are dating each other do.
i tried not to have feelings for him. we both knew that our relationship was a really physical one, but we have A LOT in common. we agreed on tuesday when he broke up with his gf that we'd continue hanging out and see what happens. we might end up dating. but now that we've hung out a lot, i am starting to have more feelings towards him, and i kind of wish we were dating...i don't know how to tell him this. i know he likes me, but since we started this out as a physical relationship, i don't know if he would actually date me. he's been more and more sweet to me as we hang out more. like he'll kiss me without expecting more. and he holds my hand sometimes...hugs me, smiles....all the little things that you do when you date someone that eventually you don't even think about anymore and take for granted. those are the things that make me fall for him...
yesterday when he spend the night it was not like you would think. we didn't have sex. we did mess around, but not at first. we watched across the universe the entire way through just holding hands...it was really cute. i couldn't even do that with my ex. he always had to mess around during a movie...so i was really surprised that me and austin didn't do anything. and he randomly kissed me a lot more than normal...it was really cute. but i hate myself for thinking like this. i know i'm going to be disappointed. i like him. i told him that. he says he likes me too. but i don't know. i can't really blame him for "using me" cause we agreed that we weren't going to date, at least not at first. but i am afraid that is what is going to happen. i don't know. i keep going over it in my head.
would he break up with his girlfriend for me if he only intended to screw around with me?
would he spend so much time with me, at my request, not his?
would he actually watch the movies with me?
would he care enough to kiss me goodbye when he left this morning if he was just using me...
i dont' know the answers. i could only hope that they are all no and that all those are signs that he actually has feelings for me. but i really don't know. i've never been in this kind of situation. and he says he never has either. i don't know what made us decide to do this. extreme, instant attraction to each other lead to him cheating on his girlfriend with me which led to him not talking to me really for awhile which led to the next time we hung out he said he liked me and tried to kiss me and i said i like him but no so he broke up with his girlfriend now we hang out all the time and kiss and do more all the time and he says he likes me...and hes never done this...and i've never done this...now what do i do? i like him. i want to be able to tell everyone that i'm not really some slut who just messes around with random guys. thats not me. i want to be able to tell them that ausitn is my boyfriend and it just took us a while to make it official...i've never been the slutty loose girl. i don't want that to be me. thats what i am right now.
but thats another thing. we've hung out a lot, messed around a lot. one thing he has never, ever asked for, though, is sex. ironically. if he was using me wouldn't he have tried by now? idk anymore....
this is too much to think about.
