the appeal of internet friendships and relationships...

so, after the austin ordeal ended (i finally broke it off, now he hates me, go figure) i decided to try to understand austin's addiction to internet girlfriends- he had another one while he was fooling around with me, thought nothing of cheating on her apparently then the day that i told him it was over between us he had ANOTHER internet girlfriend, maybe he still has both!

so why? i didn't understand why he could pick them over me. i'm not ugly. obviously he is very attracted to me, he could never keep his hands off me for more than a few minutes when we were alone...our personalities match pretty well...just everything seemed to be going for us. we live at the same school. we often had sleepovers and he has visited me at 2 in the morning and went back to his dorm at 4 before! so why? why give up me for people who live in new hampshire and california? he will never see them, at least not in the near future. and he can't REALLY be serious with them or else he wouldn't cheat on them so much with me. and with each other. i mean come on...this situation is pretty f*cked.

so i got on myyearbook.com, the website where austin found his internet girls. its a pretty neat website, its really into the networking. you can meet A LOT of people through this match maker thing. so i've met a few guys, started talking to them. in real life, i'm pretty shy around guys...but i've found on the internet...i can be as bold as i want because i never, ever have to see them in person.

and there is where i have figured austin out. he is WAYY socially backward. he can barely get his sentences out and he talks really quietly. while most kids are hanging out with other kids, joining clubs, going to events and parties, he is either alone in his room or at home. he lives about 15 minutes away from here, so he'll even go home on weekdays, sometimes he'll stay until morning even!

how did we meet? through my ex room mate, partially. but mainly- through the internet. when i met him in person, he barely said two words. when i added him to myspace however...he actually initiated the conversation and felt bold enough later in the conversation to start talking about stuff like masturbation...he is a total flirt online with a really perverted mind. but when i see him in person...we were usually just physical with each other...and then later we'd end up texting for literally the entire night until 7 in the morning.

so now i figured it out...if he were to date me, he would have to actually start spending time with me, without messing around. ironically, the reason i broke things off with him was because he ditched me- on the ONE day we planned not to do one thing physically. he said coincidence...i say, fear.
he says he really liked me. and i believe that in some way he really did like me. he told me once that he could see himself with me, he really liked me, but was afraid that something would go wrong and he'd end up hurt.-translation-something would go wrong and he would not be able to deal with it due to his lack of social skills. well something did go wrong, and we weren't dating. so i wonder if he still got hurt?
i bet he did. because the first thing he did was delete me from myspace.
it didn't really do much. his profile is public and he doesn't have comments on his page. what it did was take him off my top friends. probably the same to his. he took me off his top friends on myyearbook too.

this all really hurt me...but now i realize austin has some pretty serious issues. he doesn't understand the concept of a relationship. right when he started to have feelings for me he freaked out. it was only a day or two before that he said he could see himself with me...and i told him i liked him...and i didn't want to get hurt, but i didn't want to keep messing around without a relationship. and i told him i wouldn't go further with him physically without a relationship...he'd say things like "you don't have to do anything you don't want to, hun" all the time. but i know he wanted more, we always talked about it. and i did go further a few times (i'm not talking about sex). but i stopped myself and said i didn't want to give him all of me.

i never see him around campus anymore. its like he tries to avoid me. i'm sure he is.
it makes me sad. because i really liked him...but i know i deserve better. i don't deserve to be treated that way. i want a guy who can commit to me, and only me. no internet girls. i feel sorry for those girls, but in a way i envy them. while they will never get all the hugs and kisses and cuddles i got from austin...they get the sweet romantic side of him that i have never seen. they get the i love yous...the sweet words. while i saw his smiles...they hear his voice, read his texts. if only he could learn how to bring everything together. if only he could have given me ALL of himself. i wish i could help him, i wish i could make him notice what i have noticed..but i am giving up. maybe in a few weeks i'll try to hunt him down, talk to him in person. he ignores my texts and messages...but he is extremely uncomfortable when i talk to him in person.

i know he sounds like a complete jerk. but i truly think he just doesn't know what he wants. i know he wants love...but he doesn't want to be attached to a real girl he can see every single day. i think the thought scares him. he almost had it with me. we had a lot of fun together. and i know he had feelings for me towards the end...what started out with friends with benefits became sweeter until he was kissing me, just to kiss me, and holding my hand when we were sitting side by side...while at first we sat a few feet apart from each other, near the end he made it a point to cuddle up beside me...when he spent the night he'd kiss me when i woke up and kiss me before he went...

one night i will always remember, the last night we were together...
i had just came back from the graham band festival and was in tears. my ex boyfriend cussed me out in front of a friend i hadn't seen in months. he got up in my face, called me a bitch, told me he hated me. i dated this boy for 2 years..i really loved him, so so much. i don't love him like that anymore and i'm the one who broke up with him...but that broke my heart to seem him so angry, at me of all people, the girl he would hug, kiss, hold, love...well anyway, i had a horrible night, austin comes up, sees me crying. he takes me into his arms and asks me whats wrong...he tells me to just forget about storm...he says cute things like "next time i see him i'll kick his ass!" (austin is this really skinny kid and storm is like 180 pounds, storm could just kill him by body weight alone...). so i get all these hugs and kisses from austin until my tears are dry and hes making me smile.

that was the second time i cried in front of austin. the first time was when we first started seeing each other, when it was just friends with benefits. that time, i was crying cause my room mate was being a bitch (and she eventually moved out..). all austin had to say then was "fuck her anna! shes stupid!" no hugs or kisses.

it really broke my heart when i realized everything was over. because i almost had him...and i think thats what ended it all.