i'm stupid.

i'm sick to my stomach.
light headed.
restless.
shaky.

tell tale signs of my panic disorder that only comes out occasionally. i'm on the verge of a panic attack. all for something stupid that i did.

when it starts getting late i start to think. and by the time its early...like 2 am...i think TOO much. and my emotions take over my thoughts. i become ten times more emotional. and think ten times more.

it started out as only thoughts at night. i'd think of storm, and how much i really miss talking to him. but i'd push it out of my thoughts but the time i woke up and keep it out until i was all alone. but then i started thinking more. until it started invading daily thoughts. until it was always at the back of my mind and when i was particularly depressed it would become prevalent.
last night i just about hit rock bottom.

i was sad yesterday. about storm and about austin. but i was ok. until i saw austin. he was just a few feet behind me at a magic show on campus. once i looked back and at that same moment he looked my way. our eyes locked and instant our heads whipped around. its one thing to steal a glance or two. but him looking at me and consciously turning away like that...it just hit me really hard.

so i get back to my room and try to do my philosophy paper. and i start to think. when i think i start to write. and i had to write out all my feelings about austin. i did it in the form of a myspace message. i inteneded to write something like "are you planning on ignoring me forever? please talk to me." but i ended up saying everything i felt and it let all the way to storm, somehow. and i let my fingers fly and a sentence appeared on the screen that said "do you realize how much i f*cking loved him?"

and thats when i knew. i knew that none of this was about austin. austin was this little trashy kid that i picked up to somehow replace storm. austin was looking for anything he could get, i was looking for someone who was similiar enough to storm to take his place. i didn't send the message, of course. but i started a new one. this one was an email. addressed to storm.

the email said everything. i said how much i missed him, how sorry i was. how stupid i've been. how much he means to me, will always mean to me. all of this stuff, paragraph after paragraph. i was talking to him like he would somehow read it and understand everything.

forgetting that it was storm.
who hates me.
who has changed.
who is only 16.
in high school.
still immature.

and i pressed send.



my stomach is turning, my head is spinning. i'm debating even looking in my inbox. ever. how could i be so stupid? how did i forget...he is not the same. we will never be friends.

i dont' know what to do.
i can't take it back.
theres a one percent chance that he will understand and feel the same.
and a resounding 99% chance that he will hate me more...