the love in my life.

i'm the girl who always looks for a boy. needs at least a crush to survive. seems my life goal is to "look for love!" (hehe billie joe reference...). but lately i've figured out that there won't always be love. and there won't always be someone to have a crush on. its really strange. i do like this guy, ryan. he's pretty amazing...but i haven't actually met him, only talked to him online and through texting. its lame, but he only lives 15 minutes away and my friend knows him so its not completely stupid...and he seems to like me...but how much can you really like someone you haven't actually met? i want to meet him, and i think we will eventually. but i'm afraid that once he meets me he won't want to talk to me anymore =[...and hes 21 and i'm 18...so i'm afraid he will think i'm immature...though i kind of doubt it because several 21 year olds i know go for the younger girls..but still. ANYWAY, not the subject of my blog!

the real subject is the love in my life that i already had. i didn't know it was here...

i loved storm. i really did. but hes gone. and i don't love him like i used to.
so since then, i've been in search of love again. once you are in love you crave it. love is the greatest feeling in the world. so when it went away..i missed it! so i wanted more. so i looked everywhere...but there just isn't anyone out there for me yet...

this has given me time to work on strengthening my friendships and its been truely amazing. i have found out that there are many types of love...and sometimes loving your friends can be almost as fulfilling =]

my friend morgan is amazing. i love her sooo much and she doesn't even know it! i would do anything for that girl. shes two years younger than me, so i have always felt like i should protect her. shes very shy but not when you actually get to know her.shes had a lot of problems in her life. her first year of high school was plagued with the difficult situation of telling everyone she is a lesbian. it was a horrible mess because she came out while she was dating a close friend of mine, tyler. he was crushed. so she ended up dating him again...but she just couldn't do it cause she is definitely a lesbian...so he was crushed again. it was really bad =[...then last year...she dated this girl, who is a real bitch. that girl dumped her for another girl because morgan wouldn't have sex with her. morgan was in love with her...she couldn't just let it go. she stayed in love with her up until really recently. it got really bad and last year she tried to kill herself, almost succeeded. about a week, maybe two, later her friend committed suicide (i've talked about all of this in another blog in detail). by this time me and morgan weren't as great friends, mostly because of the tyler stuff. but that week we grew so much closer. we went to the girl who died, laura's, candlelight vigil and viewing together. i didn't really know laura that well but my best friend, josh, is her cousin. so i was of course sad for him, but it made it so much worse because all i could think about was how lucky i was that it wasn't morgan in the casket, it wasn't morgan that we cried for at the vigil. everyone cried at the vigil. it was one of the saddest if not THE saddest moment of my life. men, women, boys, girls, little kids, all sobbing and crying, some wailing in pain...it was horrible. and it felt like me and morgan were in our own little section, secluded but witnessing what was going on around us. and i broke down. totally and completely, i have never cried like that in front of anyone. i hugged morgan and cried into her shoulder, sobbed, saying over and over again "i'm so glad you are still here, i'm so glad you didn't kill yourself, i don't know what i'd do without you..." and i meant it. more than words could describe, actually. i know this is all in my other blog. but i can't stop thinking about this. finally after awhile i couldn't take it anymore, i was so devastated by all of the people crying that i had to leave. me and morgan tried to walk back to her house but we couldn't make it without stopping to cry and hug some more. i was hugging her so tightly, as if i let go she would disappear, thankful for every second that i knew she was alive because she was there in my arms...we ended up lying down in some random yard, staring up at the stars and just talking, not even about what happened, just getting our minds off of the tragedy. that day was the most intimate and close i've ever been to a friend. i learned a lot about her and she learned a lot about me. the day after the next day we went to laura's viewing. the line was out the door through the parking lot and down the street, it was a three hour wait. this girl was loved by what seemed like our entire town...so while we were outside, it didn't seem like much. we didn't really think about going in and seeing laura. we actually figured it would be closed casket because she shot herself. apparently it wasn't bad because it ended up being open casket...but it didn't matter because right when we got through the door, even though there were rooms to go through before we could see laura, we broke down again. there was pictures every where, every picture laura looked so alive and happy, like she always seemed at school! who would guess someone so bright and beautiful would kill herself? it hit me and morgan very hard...and when i actually saw laura...it was the strangest feeling. looking at her, so peaceful...yet not natural. you could tell the life was gone...the pink in her cheeks, the breath in her nose...the things you don't notice while someone is living you miss when they are gone. the girl i saw walking through my class room with a teacher trailing behind her saying "This is audrey's little sister laura!!" and laura smiling and saying hi or something...she was gone! this wasn't laura...it had to be a mannequin...but i knew it wasn't. but morgan was alive. and everytime i saw morgan i noticed the color of her cheeks and the air she breathed and the very real tears on her face. and i knew that she was my friend and i love her. she was all i had at that moment. the only one in the world there for me. my boyfriend refused to come because he didn't like laura's cousin aka my best friend josh and he didn't like audrey, her sister...so i had morgan. morgan that day and the day of the vigil was a reminder of life. sometimes we forget that people are actually alive, that we are actually alive. we don't just exist, its not just our souls and our brains, the body has to work, we have to breath, our heart has to beat, and if one of those things quit we would be dead in an instant. laura was an example of what death meant. morgan was a reminder of how precious life is. and i appreciated her. i valued her. i loved her. and i still do.

so i realize...you don't have to be in love to experience love...love is in many forms. and you can get the same feeling. sure, i don't get butterflies in my stomach or sweet kisses but being around morgan still makes me happy and in a totally different way. storm had the power to hurt and manipulate me and he often did. of course morgan can do that too, but she never would and if she did, it wouldn't be as bad as if storm did it. morgan feels like family to me, actually more than family. i will always love her, no matter where we are or how far apart we are, i think of her as someone that i feel the need to watch out for, protect, and i always will. because i never want to see morgan hurt like she was again. i know i can't stop someone from a broken heart...but i could always be there for her. and i always will be.

love is more than just smiles and laughs. love is being there even when its extremely shitty. storm wasn't. morgan was. this may sound very weird but i'm not too great at explaining it. there are two types of love in this blog, friend love and boyfriend love. there are similarities and also differences. but the point is, i look for love yet i have love. i love my friends. and they love me back. and i think i can do just fine being single for a bit longer.

sorry that was terribly long, if you read this whole thing then thank you SO much and please comment!