ideas about life, existence, memories, love.

so i'm sitting here,at home, quite sick. i feel like throwing up, actually.
can't really sleep, my mind is too busy. so i'm going to write some stuff down.

the past is the past and you can never, ever go back. isn't that weird? the best day you ever had, gone forever. the person you loved most, gone forever. your favorite game as a child never gives you the same joy. that barbie doll or action figure that you never put down is put away for good. and you don't necessarily want them back, but isn't it weird that you know you'll never have that again? you can try all you want, you can date the person you once loved again, you can play your favorite game, go back to the spot you stood in when you had your first kiss, take out your dolls and try to play with them but it will never be the same. the past is in the past and you can't repeat it. its kind of sad, really. but also good. because you know all the bad things. like that day you cried until your eyes were dry and your nose was killing you cause your tissues weren't soft enough. you never have to live that again. sure, you might be hurt. but its not the same. each time you cry you can think of that day, but it won't be as sad. you know you are stronger. or maybe you aren't. but at least you know it won't happen again. right?

each person is different. everyone i have had a relationship with is different. not better, just different. each have their pros and their cons. so is it true when you find your true love there will be nothing better about your old loves? every second you spend with them goes into the past, but don't you know you have the rest of your life to make better memories. thats your goal, right? find that person who makes you smile and when you think you can't be any happier he finds a way. thats what my goal is, at least. sure there will be fights. but they will be lost to the past too and overshadowed by all those pleasant memories. i hope theres someone out there like that.

sometimes i wonder if i made the right choices in life. and i think about memories that i'll never get back, never replace. would it have worked out if i stayed? now i think i know what is best. and staying was not best. but today sure would have been different. i look at people now and wonder how they are surviving. i know we learn and grow with each new relationship. i know also that ignorance is bliss. you get in too deep and you have a new definition of love. it might be more serious, but it might cause pain. ignorance is bliss, yes? but how much meaning does ignorance hold. in the end was it that important, compared to your life now? maybe not. but it was bliss. but another form of bliss is freedom. it is true bliss and i have that now. i always relied on love as my one and only source of happiness. but now i am free. i've learned that true friends can make me happy. and most importantly, i know i can make myself happy. i'm independant, sometimes i wonder if getting back into a relationship would be beneficial. but i know that if i was at least i'd know my priorities- loving myself and loving my friends. because how can someone love me if i can't even love myself? how can someone love me if i am alone, miserable, friendless.

everyday i long for love, in some way. sometimes i long for my friends to check on me every once in awhile. sometimes i long for him to really see my smile, really know how much i want him. sometimes i wish that i was in love. sometimes i long for love from some of my peers that i know don't love me. but i also notice love, in little ways. i notice love when i talk to my best friends. i notice some form of love when he tells me to do good in school. i notice love when i talk to that one person and even if he denies careing about me i know he does by the way he looks out for me and lectures me. some people don't know they are showing love. but some do.

but now i know human contact is the most important thing in your day. i don't need a boyfriend for that, even though it helps. the best thing i can do for myself is be there for other people and have friends that will be there for me. i know i'm not an expert at giving advice but i sure do try. and i know my friends don't always want to hear my problems but the best thing about them is they still love me, they still listen. and sometimes the best thing that can happen to me is for someone i don't really know or don't talk to that often to just say hi, maybe start a conversation. hell, one time someone drummed on my bucket hat witih his sticks then smiled at me and talked a bit in band and i remembered it for a day or two, thinking about all the times he was mean to me but suddenly nice. of course he went back to not noticing me but just that one instance of human contact made me smile. sometimes i feel invisible but stuff like that makes me feel real. thats one of the most important things in a humans life, to feel real.

late at night i think a lot. and sometimes my thoughts are fluid enough to write. i barely write anymore, even blogs. and i am an english major? haha. one of these days i'll write this book that is going to get published, i just know it. i know i have the potential. =P