you don't have to read this, i just needed a space to rant.

something has always told me to stay.
no matter what.

and i have.
and we are still friends. somehow.

today storm broke up with his girlfriend, finally. so i talk to him, a lot. he goes out to trick or treat. then comes back and calls me. we talk for an hour on the phone. he actually told me i'm the best person he knows, the definition of a good person. i don't get it, i think i'm pretty horrible. but i guess its cause i've stuck with him through it all. and he thinks he doesn't deserve me as a friend but i still love him, i do. maybe i'm not in love with him but i still care about him so much, i'll never leave him. even when he left me i waited till he came back. and he did. how?

i can't believe we are still like this. close. we don't hang out anymore. but we know each other inside out, sometimes i think i'm all that he REALLY has. no one has got this close. i've brought him wayy out of his shell. he used to not even talk, just be a depressed kid. then he met me and hes who he is today. not even his best friends can get him talking like i can. and as for what hes done to me...turned my life around, totally. he brought me out of depression too. and gave me confidence. and showed me that i'm not the ugly shy girl i thought i was, i'm beautiful and can be outgoing. we brought out the best in each other. i figured once we split that would be it. maybe we'd have remnants of who we were when we were with each other but i thought we'd be different people. we are different, yet still the same. i never thought we'd be close again, never thought i'd hear his voice on the other end of the phone before. but oh i wish i didn't have to hear him like he was tonight. he was crying. i've heard him cry before, and much worse than tonight. but still, i never wanted to hear that again. storm is tough, not one to mope around. hes really funny and makes everyone smile with the dumb things he does. i hate it when he cries. he only does it when someone is breaking his heart. at least this time it wasn't me...

i miss storm, i miss his smile and his hugs and his jokes and his rants about his video games. i missed his voice a lot. the last two times i heard it, before tonight, were so different. but i heard the real storm again. i couldn't stand it when he told me i was a good person, couldn't stand it at all. if he was in my head, knew my thoughts, boy he'd see how horrible i can be. i'm not a good person, i'm a miserable excuse for a person. he is right, its amazing i stuck around...oh how i wanted to scream "its because i still love you".

but i'm not in love with him, don't know why i want to stay with him through everything. sometimes i just have a sinking feeling that he was the one i was meant to be with. i don't know anyone else, i can't let him go. i know hes different now, i couldn't possibly get back with him. but when we talk hes not so different. i know when he is at school he is though. i can't be there to see that. and he dated shelby, the scum of all scummy people, and he actually slept with her. i didnt' think that would bother me but the more he talks about it the more he does. she has slept with sooo many people that she doesn't even remember them all. she has woken up in bed with people that she doesn't even know their names. shes a whore. and he slept with her. i should have been his first, we were together for so fu*king long. should that bother me? i dont' know.

i don't know who i am anymore. i know i am different, i know storm is different. but theres always this thought in the back of my mind. when i look at other guys sometimes i realize i'm looking for storm. of course, there is no one like him. so does that mean i'll never love someone again? what do i do...i don't really want storm back...but i don't know if there is anyone else. my mom predicted something. she predicted that me and storm would break up before college and then get back together once i was already in college. could she be right? storms dad predicted something else. now storm's dad has some sort of amazing power, and you can say you don't believe in that stuff. but storm's dad really KNOWS things. his predictions have never been wrong, pretty much. he told storm that he has three more "dates" before he finds his true love. that means going out with someone, it could even mean dating the same person twice. but only three. storm has all these girls going after him already. well really..theres two. anna and sarah. idk if he'll date either of those girls. seems like he likes anna a whole lot. i have a feeling that he'll get back with shelby too. but maybe not. i hope not, he doesn't need her.

i'll tell you a secret. i hope that in the end, we end up back together. i don't know why. i swear i'm not in love with him. but there is just something there, something that has always always been there with us. some connection, i don't know. and you know, his parents absolutely loved me even. they didn't love his other gfs. they didn't love jeanette, they didn't love sarah, and they didnt' love shelby. they only loved me.

i know this means nothing. but i'm so confused. why are we still here? why does it feel like in the end, i'm all he has and hes all i have? when the world crumbles beneath us, why do we find each other, time after time. this isn't the first time we've broken up, seen other people, yet still stuck together. we can't leave each other alone, we can't just forget about each other.

right now i know storm does not like me as more than a friend. but i'm concerned, will he forget this when he realizes i'll always be there for him? hes trusted me more and more every day. if we become close again...what will happen? i hurt him so bad i know he never wants to come back. but will that fade...

i don't know. i want to fight these feelings, focus on ryan. but how can i when storm has the perfect personality that i wish ryan had? its just f*cked up.


if you actually read this mess, thank you so very much. if i bored you to death or confused you, i'm sorry. leave me a comment if you want.