It just ain't living.

If there's anything I've learned, it's that things don't stay the same for long, and just being alive ain't living.

My step dad's being evil again. I can't stand him! All he does is yell at me, like everything I do is wrong. I was cleaning my room, like he asked me, and he yelled at me for not playing with my brother. So, I go downstairs and play with my brother and he comes in 5 minutes later and yells at me because my room's not perfect. So, I go up and start cleaning again.

Then I ask his friend's kid, Cassie (who I have to be friends with no matter how terrible she is because she's his friend's kid) what she wants to drink for dinner. I ask her if she wants milk, and Dave starts flipping out on me because we're low on milk. So I tell him okay and he yells at me like I was going to drink milk anyways, which I wasn't. So I ask him if I can have some juice and he yells at me some more, because apparently that's my brother's juice and I'm not allowed to have any. Well since milk and juice are the only drinks in the house besides beer and vodka, I walk to the dining room with nothing to drink. Then he yells at me and says, "Just do whatever you want, you little bitch. That seems to be all you're good at doing." So I jsut get some water. Then he yells at me some more.because I apparently "gave him a look" and my "attitude really sucks" and shit like that.

So then he tells me that if he comes up and my room's not perfect, then he's taking everything away again, and he won't even let me finish cleaning it.

Well, all through dinner I'm just sitting there like nothing's wrong. I notice that my brother's spitting all over the food, eating with his hands, throwing fits, and doing things like that and he never got in trouble once. But a noodle fell off my fork and my step dad flips out on me. HOW IS THAT FAIR???

All through the meal I'm siting there, I barely ate anything because I'm just feeling so damn low. How can he treat me like that? Well, I eat my food really fast and go get a shower. Then I cry my eyes out. He's so stupid that he won't even know I was crying. If anything he'll just think I got soap in my eyes.

Now I have to go back to school tomorrow, and deal with more assholes telling me I'm worthless. I can't stand it anymore! I usually mutter something to myself like, "Please kill me. Please, God! Kill me!" but He never does. And if He is He's making it really fucking slow. And then I think "I don't want to die, because no matter how miserable everyone else makes me, at least I know that by being alive I can get them back."

And then I think, "I'm gonna be something someday, I'm gonna be someone important and everyone will wish they weren't such assholes!" Well, I hope that's true, and that God is keeping me alive through this shit so that I can live my dream and look back on it all and laugh my fucking ass off.

Cause no matter which way you look at it, just being alive ain't living. And right now, I'm only alive.