to love again?..is it possible...

its about quarter after 5...and i decided that it is necessary to write a blog before i sleep. stupid, yes? i have to get up at 7 tomorrow because it is one of two days of the week that i have an 8 o clock class. at least tonight i am alone in my room, no one here to prevent me from thinking, though i do love his presence...

i love college, i really do...lately, though, i've found my self in one of the most complicated (well, potentially complicated) situations in my life thus far...and i've began to neglect schoolwork in pursuit of happiness...but i am positive that happiness will either come quickly then fade away faster than i want...or it will nto come at all until after much struggle...i'm scared for my emotional health and for his too...i don't know if i can take it, and it frightens me that i am even willing to try...but for some reason there is nothing i want more than him right now, not even school. its stupid, really idiotic...i barely know him...but there is something there, some feeling that i can't quite find a name for, but i know it is rare and it is good, but at the same time it is terrifying. i think with my heart, not my head. and my heart is telling me that this man in my life is what is important, nothing else. my goal is to date him, and i won't give up. we like each other and i have to prove that is enough, i have to prove that we can do this if we just try. i know there is going to be shit to get past, but in the end i have to prove it is worth it, i have to show him that he can find love again, and i have to prove to myself that i can do the same. if this does not work out, i don't know if i'll be able to try again, i don't know if i'll have the will to let my walls down and be venerable to love...this is my final chance, my last shot at proving to myself, to him, and to everyone else who is dying inside because they have loved and lost and are afraid that love only happens once and if you lose it you are broken, i am going to prove that it can be found again...for my sake...for his sake.

i've found myself lately begging God...begging for him to let this happen, pleading with him, convincing him not to decieve me, begging that he won't embarass me for feeling so sure that i can do this. religion has never been stable in my life, but i see this situation and this person i am trying to be with as a sign. i cannot do this without God. and i know he couldn't live his life without God...so maybe God has brought me here to help him, maybe i could be his gift...or maybe he can be mine...who knows God's plan...but this is such a major event in my life, i know God is involved in some way, i can tell this will be a huge turning point and learning experience in my life. its going to change me, and anything this big is under God's control, his master plan...whatever happens in this relationship will turn me into a different person...

this guy...this man, really...is very important to me...within two weeks he has changed my opinion on life, love, religion...changed my life already. knowing him has been amazing, perplexing, and slightly heartbreaking...but i will most likely come out of this a stronger person...if not i will have learned my lesson...but i want everyone to know that this person that i am falling for is absolutely incredible...but he has this dangerous power- the ablity to complete me...if he doesn't destroy me first.