i'm just using this to save a blog i'm going to post on myspace.
i'm just using this to save a blog i'm going to post on myspace. it won't make sense to you guys so you might as well not bother reading it, lol. its just about all my friends. and a few enemies. i guess you could read it if you want to know about my friends...its whatev!
i think a lot. and it always ends up hurting me more than helping me sort things out. theres something wrong with my brain, i just can't let things go. here's a few people...
1. Its frustrating to like you. You are such an amazing guy...but you are also weird and confusing. From Monday-Wednesday i am happy and optimistic. From Thursday-Sunday i am worried that you don't like me anymore...I know its only been two weeks...i guess you don't have to call me...but i'm always worried, always afraid that you don't really care. I know its quite early...and we kind of screwed things up at the beginning. But i want to make this work. You have no confidence that i can handle this, no confidence that we'd last at all...and it depresses me. Because when you told me you liked me, i believed you. And when we are together, i still believe you. Theres something about us that is just right. But theres also a feeling of dread...i don't want you to go away, i don't want you to leave before you figure out that i'm the kind of girl that stays, i'm the kind of girl who works things out, i'm the kind of girl who would love you so much if you'd give me the chance...you owe me a date...i hope that soon enough i'll be at a movie or dinner with you and i'll finally be happy. i can't wait until you kiss me again, i know its not right but i am so sad that we had to start over. I know we need it...but you make me feel safe...
2. I will always love you in some way or another. When i talk to you, or especially when i'm with you, i just feel like we mesh together so well. I never run out of things to say to you. And you are the only one who understands me and all the weird things i do and say. You always laugh at my craziness...you are the only one...sometimes i feel like crying when i think about you...i don't really know why, i'm just weird. when you weren't in my life everything felt unbalanced and out of place. but just by talking again i feel more confidant about the condition of my life. part of you will always be with me, part of me will always belong to you. i don't really mean in a romantic way or anything, but we are bonded together. i don't feel uncomfortable being your friend like most people would. the only time i feel comletely myself is with you. i know i've said too much and i'll probably edit this in the morning. but right now, at 4 in the morning, i am just letting everything out.
3. i hate you so much. when i see you i just want to yell at you, still. i should be over it by now, but you hurt me more than i imagined any guy could. you made me not trust guys. i can't even trust Chris, i'm terrified that he'll end up like you. part of me knows that can't happen, Chris is nothing like you...but part of me is scared that i don't know Chris well enough and he COULD be like you. because i can't trust guys. they just end up breaking my heart.
4. hmm...every day i wish that we were better friends for some reason. you've changed me a lot. you've made me love anime, sometimes i feel like i'm one of the only people who get as excited about anime as you do. i'm so sorry i didn't come to the Code Geass marathon..i feel bad...but stuff happened that i had to deal with...i hope you aren't mad at me. i just keep thinking about how excited you were in the car. and now i won't get a cd =[...i remember the first time i met you. i was like..shit. i'm going to be friends with the nerdiest people ever. what the fuck am i doing, how did i manage to get in this group of people?? but now i'm like FUCK YEAH! i'm a geeky person and i love it. cause i love all of you more than any other friends i've ever had.
5. I thought we'd be best friends this year...i thought we had a lot in common...but you changed a lot when you started dating your boyfriend. idk if you notice...or care. but that one day when we were talking about Storm and you stopped me, i knew we would never be the same. you used to be the only one who listened. but now you think about yourself more than you think about other. i still love you to death, though. if you ever decided to come back to who you used to be i'll still be here. even if you don't i'll still be here. a lot of times you get on my nerves. but a lot of times you don't. i wish the old you would come back and talk to me. you don't tell me any of your problems anymore except on a few rare occasions. i miss you...
6. you are my best friend here and i don't know if you even realize it. we are so alike that we can talk a lot. we don't hang out enough one on one...you are so sad lately i just want to help you but i know what i say probably doesn't help and you keep all your feelings bottled up. i will tell anyone who listens my problems cause i can never get them off my chest but you keep it to yourself and you hate it when people ask you to tell them. i respect your wishes but sometimes i think you should talk things out. its only cause i care about you so much and want you to be happy.
7. omg. you sometimes make my life hell. but sometimes we have our good days where i am happy to hang out with you. you annoy the fuck out of all of us most days. but when i look at you i see a girl just trying to fit in but having trouble. and i see someone like me- a person who has friends but no one gets close enough, no one really lets you into their life or their circle of true friends. you talk about one person wayyy too much and i just want to tell you that sometimes. but i know that when you really like someone (in a friend way even) you want everyone to know how great you feel with that person. i do like you, i do want to be your friend. but i know behind your back you talk so badly about me. it makes me sad...but all of us talk shit about each other...thats why i HATE being friends with a bunch of girls...lol...but at the same time i don't think i'd survive with out you guys.
8. you are always there to talk to. when i need help i know you can help me. when something good happens to me i know you'll be really happy for me. i think if we could have ended up as best friends if you would have stayed. well you are still one of my best friends. but then i think about how you left and i wonder if you ever cared about me like i cared about you. cause i know if we would have just talked more we could have worked things out. i would have cleand my room and been better if you would have just told me =[...i hate it that a stupid boy came between us and its never been the same since. i'm always afraid you hate me. sometimes i'll go up to my room and i forget that no one is there anymore. i'm alone. its nice having a room to myself...and i don't know if i'd want a room mate again...but sometimes i just miss having someone there. before if i was crying you were always there to cheer me up but now i cry all by myself...it hurts that your mom wanted me gone for such a small thing compared to the trouble you had recently. but the past is in the past and i just hope we'll be friends throughout college.
9. i'm sorry for fucking with your emotions, i'm sorry that i thought i liked you but then screwed you over. i've never done that before and i'll always always feel bad. you are a very nice person. but i know you would be better off with someone better than me. i'm not like you. i'm not like most people. it seems like i get along with everyone just fine but sometimes i feel out of place. and i felt if we dated i'd be out of place and i'd hurt you. actually, i know i'd be out of place and i'd hurt you. thats why i ran away so fast..
10. i dislike you. you are such an asshole, you have no social skills. well i take that back, when you first meet someone you charm them and draw them in. but the more i'm around you the more i notice that all you are is a cocky asshole. why the fuck did you think i'd just go to your room and make out with you?? maybe because you know about me and Austin...but i don't do that shit. and you KNOW that i like Chris. even though we aren't dating i'm so close, and i like him so much. i don't consider myself single or taken. i'm waiting for him. and i wouldn't screw that up by messing around with you. you said it would be good practice...do you REALLY think i need practice making out? even doing other stuff? i was with AUSTIN. for like a MONTH. and i was with Storm for two fucking years. i think i am pretty educated and good at that stuff. i don't need to waste my time on something meaningless, i learned that with Austin. And you know what? i liked you at the beginning of the year. and it depressed me to know that you could flirt with me and Anna but in the end you'd pick her because i always have such bad luck with guys. and they never see me for who i am. but i have this feeling that you are the type of guy who doesn't give a shit about how someone is, you just want to have a good time and fuck them. i have a feeling you have never made love to anyone, just fucked them. i know i'm being mean but you are mean. take a step back and look at how you act. look at how you act when you play Magic. you have these horribly strong decks that you use against people who don't play very well or even people who do. your decks are stronger that everyone elses, except a few of Eric's. and you KNOW this. yet you still play against us and gloat when you destory us. and if we end up working together to beat you, you get really pissed off and even quit. thats so stupid. i know i'll lose a lot of the matches, but i stay till the end. and sometimes we gang up on you because there would be no other way to beat you. it also pisses me off when you say me and Twitch work together. we don't. that one time when he got out and helped me, yeah. but i needed help. and maybe it was because he likes me, but i think he did it because you are hard to beat and he is a nice person. you've helped me before and i've won. its the same thing. ohh and i HATE it when you play Twitch and you get so proud of yourself for beating him but i LOVE how he just says cool when you kill his creatures. i know you hate it. he's so nice to you, you don't deserve it. you know, i know you could be a nice person and a cool person. cause there have been times when i've been around you and i feel like i want to hang out with you. but most of the time i want to get away. you should work on your social skills a bit and stop being such a dick. i'd like you more, everyone else would like you more. this one was so long because i had two things bugging me about you...
11. you are always so happy. most of the time it brightens my mood, sometimes it makes it worse. but i'm glad to have you around. i know i annoy you, especially when i talk about guys. i could just mention someone and its like you shut down. i don't really understand why. but i'm sorry that i offend you or annoy you or whatever. i know i'm an annoying person sometimes...but i try not to talk too much about guys around you. i want to be your friend and i don't want you to dislike me =[
12. i miss you. i miss how we used to be best friends...and now we'll never be able to go back...it makes me really sad that sometimes the only way i get to talk to you is when you call me when you are drunk. for some reason you think about me when you are drinking but then you forget about me. it makes me sad. cause i miss you. and i want you to come home every once in a while and remember that i live here and you can come hang out with me. you forget about me. and i feel like you always have. but we always agree whenever we talk that we need to hang out. you were one of the best friends i ever had and i really hope that we stay friends, even if its just like it is now. i miss the days that we lived across the street from each other and i'd go to your house whenever, late at night or during the day. i really miss how almost everyday i'd get off the bus and go straight to your house, even though it made my mom mad and i wasn't allowed. i loved hanging out with you and michael when he lived there for a month. and of course i loved hanging out with just you when he didn't live there. some of my favorite memories include you and i'll always remember my sophomore year and how we were best friends. we need to hang out sometime and i really truly mean this...
13. you are an amazing girl. i love hanging out with you, i wish we'd do it more often. i always have fun. i always wish we were better friends...we used to be better friends and i miss that. idk if you ever considered me one of your best friends but i considered you one. i'll always be here for you if you ever need me. i miss you and care about you a lot. you should definitely come spend the night again sometime soon. but please remember your medicine this time...lol...that scared the shit out of me. and katie. but it scared me more...i love you and i hope that you are always happy.
14. did you ever imagine we'd switch places? i didn't. but i did a better job...and it tears me apart knowing that.
15. Sometimes i miss you. but sometimes i don't. i often forget about you. that sounds horrible, but its true. i can't believe our friendship ended because of Storm. but you know what, i thought for awhile that you were a better person than Storm, that we'd always be friend. but when you did what you did, even though Storm did a lot worse, i figured out that I'll always love Storm more than you. cause at least when Storm hated me and talked shit about me we weren't friends. but you were one of my very BEST friends. and you betrayed me. i forgive you, but thinking about it still hurts. i have a lot to say about things that happened at the beginning of the year and things you said about it to other people. cause i believe Storm over you. sorry. i typed a lot, but i deleted it cause the world doesn't need to know our history like you think, i guess. you can message me if you want to know what i have to say. sometimes i miss having you around and wonder what went wrong, why did our friendship fall apart. i'll see you around campus and i want to say hi but i can't. cause you've changed, i'm sure. you don't even come to anime anymore, do you talk to any of your friends here? cause we were all your friends, just cause they were my friends first doesn't mean anything. you always complained that you didn't have friends and you never really would cause you are a commuter. but you had friends. Twitch has friends, he is a commuter. he has a lot of friends, he hangs out with us all the time. you were part of our group then you left. you could have hung out with us if you just made the time. Twitch will come here on mondays and tuesdays and stay all night. but i guess he can do that since he lives alone. you could come after school and stay till midnight though. but you chose not to. if you ever decide you want to be friends with us all again, i'm sure you could. just come to green pod and hang out like Twitch does. its not that hard. and don't say you are too busy cause Twitch is really busy, he just makes time...sorry for comparing you to Twitch but hes the only commuter i know who actually tries to have friends here. and he does a great job at it.
i think a lot. and it always ends up hurting me more than helping me sort things out. theres something wrong with my brain, i just can't let things go. here's a few people...
1. Its frustrating to like you. You are such an amazing guy...but you are also weird and confusing. From Monday-Wednesday i am happy and optimistic. From Thursday-Sunday i am worried that you don't like me anymore...I know its only been two weeks...i guess you don't have to call me...but i'm always worried, always afraid that you don't really care. I know its quite early...and we kind of screwed things up at the beginning. But i want to make this work. You have no confidence that i can handle this, no confidence that we'd last at all...and it depresses me. Because when you told me you liked me, i believed you. And when we are together, i still believe you. Theres something about us that is just right. But theres also a feeling of dread...i don't want you to go away, i don't want you to leave before you figure out that i'm the kind of girl that stays, i'm the kind of girl who works things out, i'm the kind of girl who would love you so much if you'd give me the chance...you owe me a date...i hope that soon enough i'll be at a movie or dinner with you and i'll finally be happy. i can't wait until you kiss me again, i know its not right but i am so sad that we had to start over. I know we need it...but you make me feel safe...
2. I will always love you in some way or another. When i talk to you, or especially when i'm with you, i just feel like we mesh together so well. I never run out of things to say to you. And you are the only one who understands me and all the weird things i do and say. You always laugh at my craziness...you are the only one...sometimes i feel like crying when i think about you...i don't really know why, i'm just weird. when you weren't in my life everything felt unbalanced and out of place. but just by talking again i feel more confidant about the condition of my life. part of you will always be with me, part of me will always belong to you. i don't really mean in a romantic way or anything, but we are bonded together. i don't feel uncomfortable being your friend like most people would. the only time i feel comletely myself is with you. i know i've said too much and i'll probably edit this in the morning. but right now, at 4 in the morning, i am just letting everything out.
3. i hate you so much. when i see you i just want to yell at you, still. i should be over it by now, but you hurt me more than i imagined any guy could. you made me not trust guys. i can't even trust Chris, i'm terrified that he'll end up like you. part of me knows that can't happen, Chris is nothing like you...but part of me is scared that i don't know Chris well enough and he COULD be like you. because i can't trust guys. they just end up breaking my heart.
4. hmm...every day i wish that we were better friends for some reason. you've changed me a lot. you've made me love anime, sometimes i feel like i'm one of the only people who get as excited about anime as you do. i'm so sorry i didn't come to the Code Geass marathon..i feel bad...but stuff happened that i had to deal with...i hope you aren't mad at me. i just keep thinking about how excited you were in the car. and now i won't get a cd =[...i remember the first time i met you. i was like..shit. i'm going to be friends with the nerdiest people ever. what the fuck am i doing, how did i manage to get in this group of people?? but now i'm like FUCK YEAH! i'm a geeky person and i love it. cause i love all of you more than any other friends i've ever had.
5. I thought we'd be best friends this year...i thought we had a lot in common...but you changed a lot when you started dating your boyfriend. idk if you notice...or care. but that one day when we were talking about Storm and you stopped me, i knew we would never be the same. you used to be the only one who listened. but now you think about yourself more than you think about other. i still love you to death, though. if you ever decided to come back to who you used to be i'll still be here. even if you don't i'll still be here. a lot of times you get on my nerves. but a lot of times you don't. i wish the old you would come back and talk to me. you don't tell me any of your problems anymore except on a few rare occasions. i miss you...
6. you are my best friend here and i don't know if you even realize it. we are so alike that we can talk a lot. we don't hang out enough one on one...you are so sad lately i just want to help you but i know what i say probably doesn't help and you keep all your feelings bottled up. i will tell anyone who listens my problems cause i can never get them off my chest but you keep it to yourself and you hate it when people ask you to tell them. i respect your wishes but sometimes i think you should talk things out. its only cause i care about you so much and want you to be happy.
7. omg. you sometimes make my life hell. but sometimes we have our good days where i am happy to hang out with you. you annoy the fuck out of all of us most days. but when i look at you i see a girl just trying to fit in but having trouble. and i see someone like me- a person who has friends but no one gets close enough, no one really lets you into their life or their circle of true friends. you talk about one person wayyy too much and i just want to tell you that sometimes. but i know that when you really like someone (in a friend way even) you want everyone to know how great you feel with that person. i do like you, i do want to be your friend. but i know behind your back you talk so badly about me. it makes me sad...but all of us talk shit about each other...thats why i HATE being friends with a bunch of girls...lol...but at the same time i don't think i'd survive with out you guys.
8. you are always there to talk to. when i need help i know you can help me. when something good happens to me i know you'll be really happy for me. i think if we could have ended up as best friends if you would have stayed. well you are still one of my best friends. but then i think about how you left and i wonder if you ever cared about me like i cared about you. cause i know if we would have just talked more we could have worked things out. i would have cleand my room and been better if you would have just told me =[...i hate it that a stupid boy came between us and its never been the same since. i'm always afraid you hate me. sometimes i'll go up to my room and i forget that no one is there anymore. i'm alone. its nice having a room to myself...and i don't know if i'd want a room mate again...but sometimes i just miss having someone there. before if i was crying you were always there to cheer me up but now i cry all by myself...it hurts that your mom wanted me gone for such a small thing compared to the trouble you had recently. but the past is in the past and i just hope we'll be friends throughout college.
9. i'm sorry for fucking with your emotions, i'm sorry that i thought i liked you but then screwed you over. i've never done that before and i'll always always feel bad. you are a very nice person. but i know you would be better off with someone better than me. i'm not like you. i'm not like most people. it seems like i get along with everyone just fine but sometimes i feel out of place. and i felt if we dated i'd be out of place and i'd hurt you. actually, i know i'd be out of place and i'd hurt you. thats why i ran away so fast..
10. i dislike you. you are such an asshole, you have no social skills. well i take that back, when you first meet someone you charm them and draw them in. but the more i'm around you the more i notice that all you are is a cocky asshole. why the fuck did you think i'd just go to your room and make out with you?? maybe because you know about me and Austin...but i don't do that shit. and you KNOW that i like Chris. even though we aren't dating i'm so close, and i like him so much. i don't consider myself single or taken. i'm waiting for him. and i wouldn't screw that up by messing around with you. you said it would be good practice...do you REALLY think i need practice making out? even doing other stuff? i was with AUSTIN. for like a MONTH. and i was with Storm for two fucking years. i think i am pretty educated and good at that stuff. i don't need to waste my time on something meaningless, i learned that with Austin. And you know what? i liked you at the beginning of the year. and it depressed me to know that you could flirt with me and Anna but in the end you'd pick her because i always have such bad luck with guys. and they never see me for who i am. but i have this feeling that you are the type of guy who doesn't give a shit about how someone is, you just want to have a good time and fuck them. i have a feeling you have never made love to anyone, just fucked them. i know i'm being mean but you are mean. take a step back and look at how you act. look at how you act when you play Magic. you have these horribly strong decks that you use against people who don't play very well or even people who do. your decks are stronger that everyone elses, except a few of Eric's. and you KNOW this. yet you still play against us and gloat when you destory us. and if we end up working together to beat you, you get really pissed off and even quit. thats so stupid. i know i'll lose a lot of the matches, but i stay till the end. and sometimes we gang up on you because there would be no other way to beat you. it also pisses me off when you say me and Twitch work together. we don't. that one time when he got out and helped me, yeah. but i needed help. and maybe it was because he likes me, but i think he did it because you are hard to beat and he is a nice person. you've helped me before and i've won. its the same thing. ohh and i HATE it when you play Twitch and you get so proud of yourself for beating him but i LOVE how he just says cool when you kill his creatures. i know you hate it. he's so nice to you, you don't deserve it. you know, i know you could be a nice person and a cool person. cause there have been times when i've been around you and i feel like i want to hang out with you. but most of the time i want to get away. you should work on your social skills a bit and stop being such a dick. i'd like you more, everyone else would like you more. this one was so long because i had two things bugging me about you...
11. you are always so happy. most of the time it brightens my mood, sometimes it makes it worse. but i'm glad to have you around. i know i annoy you, especially when i talk about guys. i could just mention someone and its like you shut down. i don't really understand why. but i'm sorry that i offend you or annoy you or whatever. i know i'm an annoying person sometimes...but i try not to talk too much about guys around you. i want to be your friend and i don't want you to dislike me =[
12. i miss you. i miss how we used to be best friends...and now we'll never be able to go back...it makes me really sad that sometimes the only way i get to talk to you is when you call me when you are drunk. for some reason you think about me when you are drinking but then you forget about me. it makes me sad. cause i miss you. and i want you to come home every once in a while and remember that i live here and you can come hang out with me. you forget about me. and i feel like you always have. but we always agree whenever we talk that we need to hang out. you were one of the best friends i ever had and i really hope that we stay friends, even if its just like it is now. i miss the days that we lived across the street from each other and i'd go to your house whenever, late at night or during the day. i really miss how almost everyday i'd get off the bus and go straight to your house, even though it made my mom mad and i wasn't allowed. i loved hanging out with you and michael when he lived there for a month. and of course i loved hanging out with just you when he didn't live there. some of my favorite memories include you and i'll always remember my sophomore year and how we were best friends. we need to hang out sometime and i really truly mean this...
13. you are an amazing girl. i love hanging out with you, i wish we'd do it more often. i always have fun. i always wish we were better friends...we used to be better friends and i miss that. idk if you ever considered me one of your best friends but i considered you one. i'll always be here for you if you ever need me. i miss you and care about you a lot. you should definitely come spend the night again sometime soon. but please remember your medicine this time...lol...that scared the shit out of me. and katie. but it scared me more...i love you and i hope that you are always happy.
14. did you ever imagine we'd switch places? i didn't. but i did a better job...and it tears me apart knowing that.
15. Sometimes i miss you. but sometimes i don't. i often forget about you. that sounds horrible, but its true. i can't believe our friendship ended because of Storm. but you know what, i thought for awhile that you were a better person than Storm, that we'd always be friend. but when you did what you did, even though Storm did a lot worse, i figured out that I'll always love Storm more than you. cause at least when Storm hated me and talked shit about me we weren't friends. but you were one of my very BEST friends. and you betrayed me. i forgive you, but thinking about it still hurts. i have a lot to say about things that happened at the beginning of the year and things you said about it to other people. cause i believe Storm over you. sorry. i typed a lot, but i deleted it cause the world doesn't need to know our history like you think, i guess. you can message me if you want to know what i have to say. sometimes i miss having you around and wonder what went wrong, why did our friendship fall apart. i'll see you around campus and i want to say hi but i can't. cause you've changed, i'm sure. you don't even come to anime anymore, do you talk to any of your friends here? cause we were all your friends, just cause they were my friends first doesn't mean anything. you always complained that you didn't have friends and you never really would cause you are a commuter. but you had friends. Twitch has friends, he is a commuter. he has a lot of friends, he hangs out with us all the time. you were part of our group then you left. you could have hung out with us if you just made the time. Twitch will come here on mondays and tuesdays and stay all night. but i guess he can do that since he lives alone. you could come after school and stay till midnight though. but you chose not to. if you ever decide you want to be friends with us all again, i'm sure you could. just come to green pod and hang out like Twitch does. its not that hard. and don't say you are too busy cause Twitch is really busy, he just makes time...sorry for comparing you to Twitch but hes the only commuter i know who actually tries to have friends here. and he does a great job at it.
