Life after high school

I know this is such a stereotypical topic, but it's just been something that's on my mind a lot lately.

I don't know why, but everyone keeps asking me, 'What do you want to be when you grow up?' My doctor, my mother, my father, my brother, the Chinese next door neighbor; the list is truly endless. What bothers me more, is that these people won't take, 'I don't know' for an answer. My doctor told me that I'll most likely become a gas station worker if I don't choose the occupation of 'doctor' soon.

It finally hit me that I can't really joke about this anymore. 'Ice Cream Tester' isn't a valid job, it never will be. I'm not stupid, I got a 2250 on my SAT's and I have a high GPA, but it really just occurred to me that I have no hobbies. I'm fairly certain your job is based off a hobby. I really don't want to be one of those people that hate their job, and curse every day they spent in college studying to be this stupid thing that they really never wanted to be, but rather those around them willed them into it.

I begin to wonder what's worse; Hating your job that pays a lot, or having a terrible job that you love but leaves you penniless. Regardless, I have no hobbies, so I don't love anything, but I do understand what I hate. However, add to the equation what I think I stated earlier, 'I don't want to be one of those people who hate their job', or something along those lines. What does that leave me with? Here, for the rest of you that really can't subtract 1 from another, I'll give you the answer; Nothing. That leaves me with absolutely nothing, a meaningless life. That scares me. No, it's not that retarded fear that the rest of you claim to have, this is real fear. This is the kind of fear that plagues you during the day, and during the night. No matter what you do, you can't rid yourself of it. Even is you come up with a fake answer to the question, 'What do you want to be when you grow up?', it's not enough to liberate yourself of this fear. Even if you are to go through with that fake answer, and become that stupid thing, the regret makes this fear even stronger. I am weighed down by this constant fear, and it truly scares me. No matter how much I try not to think about it, it almost always manages to fill my mind.

This is why my days have become more and more grim. Not just because I am irritated by what I am, and the position I currently find myself in, but the thought of the future overwhelms me.

It is the uncertainty I cannot bear.
Posted on March 3rd, 2007 at 01:42am


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