this one's long...but i'd love it if you'd read and comment...
ugh. Chris kills me. so we're on Christmas break for a month and the last day i see Chris i suggest we hang out. he is like, yeah that would be cool...rambles on in his usual way about busy schedule but he'll find time blah blah blah...then he says as long as we're on the same page- just friends. (i'm like...what the fuck...we aren't just friends! we make out with each other and you keep telling me that you want to get to know me better cause you like me and you want to date me!! but i don't say that of course, i roll with it..)anyway, he continues on to say yeah maybe i'll take you to see Quantum Solace...(again...wtf!!!!...sounds like a date to me crazy person! a week ago you were saying "yeah, i'm so good at dating, when i get money i'll take you to dinner and a movie...) so i'm like sureee. lets do it. he's like ok, i don't know when i'm free but probably in two weeks cause i have Noah this week...we'll keep in touch, you should call me sometime next week. i protest cause he ignored my calls over the weekend cause he was at his parent's house in Chillicothe...so he just says well we'll keep in touch.
so i wait a week...no call from Chris. Sigh. i really do have to call him cause i'm sure i'm not on the top of his priorities when he has Noah...so today i call, no answer. then i call again half an hour later...no answer. i wait another half an hour and its an hour before he has to go to work so i try one more time...still no answer. he works third shift so i know if i can't talk to him now i'm not talking to him today cause he's working a twelve hour shift until the next morning...about ten minutes later he actually calls me back! wowow i didn't even leave a message. he said he was taking Noah to the babysitter now he's on his way to work. (he always calls me whenever he's in the car for some reason...which is kinda dumb cause he drives a stick shift meaning when he switches gears he has to drive with his knees. hes weird...)
so we start talking. about hanging out? nooo...about our grades which just came in the mail. he failed a fucking class and still had a 3.1 gpa. i got two A's, a B, and one C and i have a 2.68!!! wtf...(okay my C is technically three C's cause its a nine credit hour class...which is GAY cause i know i got an A in English and probably a B in World Civ but since i PROBABLY failed Philosophy it averages out to a C. i HATE the way Honor's grades shit...) anyway, he gets into giving me "advice" on how to get good grades cause our university is a joke..he got a 4.0 his freshman year cause every day he'd do his homework right after class before soccer. then he goes on to tell me how he never does research for papers. instead he looks at the title, skims the article, finds three sources that agree with his opinion and one that doesn't then BS's a paper. sometimes its not even the topic he's supposed to write about. but he still gets A's. grr. Chris is too smart. lol. no, i'm glad he's smart...but i hate it that he does this effortlessly and he doesn't actually work, he BS's...but thats what makes him interesting. Then he rambles on about how he likes using parentheses in his papers and they are like mini paragraphs inside sentences and i'm like...wtf? i just keep laughing cause he's crazy..he says he has like three thoughts at once so he puts them all into a sentence and he swears he's so good at it that it isn't a run on sentence and its all set up properly...ugh, he kills me...then he starts talking about how he's writing a BOOK. ahhh i about die inside because he's amazing at math and i thought you could only be amazing at either math or English but NO. Chris is good at both! I am excited about this cause i'm an English major...and i thought English person plus math person...not going to work for intellectual discussions. but no. Chris doesn't cease to amaze me...we actually talk about English for twenty minutes or so...he's breaking my heart! you would think this would be good...but it isn't, it just makes me want him so much more!! then at the end of our conversation he actually says it was really cool talking to me about English...sigh...English is my life, i breath English, writing, grammar, books...and i've found someone intelligent enough to discuss it with me (btw one time i was explaining Oedipus and Freud's Oedipus complex to this kid one time and Chris actually knew stuff about it too and joined in on the explanation! Oedipus is my favorite...ahhh!) so anyway, English was not our only topic of conversation. we talked on the phone for FORTY FIVE MINUTES. we have never talked on the phone that long. our phone conversations are usually 10 minutes cause he is always too busy or wants to sleep or do something, idk...but this was amazing...we talked about how he has to move cause he can't afford his apartment (which is sad cause i think his apartment is awesome because it is RIGHT next to the mall, practically on mall property...lol) but then he talks about mold in a house that he wants and his dad is going to buy it for him blah blah blah (Chris talks a lot about nothing...hence the blah blah blah)...then we talk about Magic the Gathering, this wayy nerdy game that we play and he is totally obsessed with, as all the boys in my social group are...he bought a fat pack (which is a bunch of booster packs all together) and got all these new cards and built up his decks and now they are even more bad ass and he built up his Black Deck...my favorite...and now i'm excited cause he always lets me use it =]...but anyway..he talks about that for twenty minutes...and we STILL haven't talked about hanging out! so for the last five seconds of our conversation he's like "maybe we can hang out on Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday next week or the week after that but it depends on when i am looking at houses...blah blah blah (more Chris rambling...) give me your schedule sometime..." i'm like "i have no schedule, i don't do anything ever, whenever you can i can..." (i've told him this a million times but he doesn't get it..) so he's like, "ok, well i'll see when we can do stuff" and i remind him to call me when he figures it out and he says ok (but i'm not entirely sure he really listened. sigh.)...then we hang up after him saying something weird about nice talking to me have a good day or something gay like that...lol.
Chris never stops talking. which is weird for me...cause usually in a relationship (any kind, friend, family, boyfriend..) i am the talker. I never stop talking. so i don't get to talk much when i'm on the phone with him...its a bit better in person...but not really. occasionally he'll talk and be like "you're quiet!" and i think "well duh, you don't ever stop talking.." it doesn't really bother me cause he amuses me and makes me laugh a lot though =]...but i never get to discuss important things with him...which is disappointing...but i'd chicken out anyway if i got the chance. i think i'll hang out with him before i discuss anything anyway, maybe in person i can get a feel for what he's thinking...all i want to know is if he still likes me, if he still wants to date me and stuff...cause he's confusing...he hugs me, smiles at me (not the same smile he used to smile though..)...but he doesn't hug the other girls we hang out with, he doesn't even talk to them really. i think the hugs are his way of saying he still cares...but the "just friends thing" is his way of saying he's scared to get into a relationship. i know he is. he's been hurt a lot, things don't work out for him...he has a problem with being too physical at the start of a relationship, then he regrets it. i know he regrets making out with me a bunch...he even suggested sex one time...which worried me cause we don't know each other well enough for that, and i don't have sex with people i'm not in a relationship with (actually i don't have sex at all...) and he shouldn't either! he's really really religious, a youth minister even. i think he feels guilty cause his life doesn't match up with the life he is supposed to be leading. he says every now and then that he doesn't want to have sex for awhile. he even didn't want to buy a movie cause he was afraid it would make him horny (i am puzzled that he said that out loud, several times actually...once again...weird...) but anyway...he's really confused, messed up emotionally...and now i'm confused.
should i try to start a relationship with him? he's an emotional wreck...and i am too a lot of times...i have a feeling if i do date him it will be hard...and i KNOW it will be complicated with his son involved, his weird work schedule, and his ex wife being pregnant...well technically they aren't even divorced yet. i think i'll be taking care of him more than anything...i care about him and want him to be happy, so i wouldn't mind helping him...but maybe i should do that as a friend? i'm afraid, though, that i'm falling in love with him...idk if i could be just a friend, it would hurt so much. yet thats what i am right now, a friend. i thought we were ready to date but now i see we're far from it. we definitely need to be friends for a little bit, theres too much at stake here to jump in to quick. but he's killing me. he's so funny, so weird, so nice, so smart...i want him so bad, i want those nights back where i'd fall asleep in his arms and wake up in the morning to a kiss...he made me so happy...i don't know why...i think i'm going crazy...oh but Chris is crazy, maybe we were meant for each other, to be crazy together...he makes me happy but at the same time i'm sad. sad because he's such a mess, sad because i know that it will be so hard for us to date, sad because he started out falling for me fast then put the brakes on so quick that our relationship is at a standstill, sad because i don't know why i want him...he's a mess...emotional, physical...he's not fat by any means, he's much skinnier than most guys...but i know he's sad that he's not muscular because he used to be, he used to play soccer, he used to run really fast, his life used to be normal...then Jackie got pregnant and his life fell apart. he had everything- a 4.0 GPA, he was a star soccer player, he lived on campus and hung out with Eric all the time, a girlfriend he loved...now his life is torn apart- he was thrown into marriage, gave up soccer, gave up the college life for his family only for them to be be ripped apart two years later. now he's left working a 12 hour 3rd shift two days a week, not getting sleep, living all by himself, taking care of a two year old every other week, spending every second of free time at our college, living there, really...over staying his welcome a lot of times just for that little bit of time where he gets to be a kid still...he misses class because of work or because he can't find a babysitter for Noah...he plays it off like he just doesn't want to go to class and i believed that at first but then i noticed that he had reasons for skipping class... a few times the reason was me, just to have that extra hour of sleep beside me and that extra twenty minutes or so kissing and being happy for a bit..but the other times he missed to go to work or because of Noah...and i know that its not senioritis like he says...maybe a little bit...but he worked so hard in high school to be valedictorian! he had a 4.0 his first two years of college...then shit happened...and it ended.
i feel like crying thinking about how hurt he must be. he seems like he manages it but if you look at him you know he doesn't. he's not all there half the time because he never sleeps...i notice on mondays after he sleeps the whole weekend he is amazing, smart, happy...then throughout the week he changes, does weird things, says weird things, and talks about sad things, how his life is messed up..
i just want him so bad, i want to hold him in my arms and never let go, to kiss him one more time, to see his smile, to hear him say "your cute" when i randomly look up and kiss him when he's just holding me...i keep thinking of the morning after the first time he spent the night...he said something about wanting to see me again and asked me if we would see each other again and i was like of course. i didn't understand why he sounded hopeful but not convinced..then i realized we were making out the first day we met..he probably thought i was just a girl wanting to mess around then leave...but thats not me, i fell for him that day, i can't get enough of him now...it wasn't because we kissed, it was the way he smiled at me, the stuff he talked about, how he randomly took me to taco bell at two in the morning and bought me stuff and said thank you in the cutest voice when i gave him his tacos...i fell for him when he sat there and ignored poor Eddie while we all played Magic so he could ask me all these questions about myself, he was so interested in me, giving me his undivided attention...i keep thinking of the day we were walking to the quiet room and he took my hand and tried to spin me or something but of course i didn't know what he was doing so i didn't spin...i keep thinking of how he used to put his hand on my leg under the table and i wonder if he thought no one would notice...of course they did eventually...i keep thinking of him driving his car and putting holding my hand for two seconds until he had to switch gears...i keep thinking of how he talked about how he liked me right in front of Dorian then pulled me onto his lap when we were at his apartment and he was beating Dorian at Super Smash Bros...i thought for sure we were going to date soon because he was showing that he liked me not in secret anymore, but right in front of Dorian...i keep thinking of waking up next to him and how good it felt because unlike when i slept in the same bed with Austin i actually woke up in Chris's arms..Austin never really cared about me but i know Chris does...it wasn't about how far he could go with me, though i knew he always wanted more...i keep thinking about Chris's brown eyes and how i never liked brown eyes until i saw how bright Chris's eyes are, the most beautiful shade of brown i've ever seen, Storm's eyes are so dull in comparison...i keep thinking of how Chris would push his glasses up to the middle of his forehead when we were lying in bed and talking and he'd shut his eyes but keep talking, even if i was falling asleep, even if there was nothing else to say Chris doesn't shut up until he falls asleep...he'll tell jokes...keep me awake cause i am laughing...i keep thinking of the stupid Mitch Hedburg cd that we went to Springfield to get and he still has in his car and he'll play it...i keep thinking about how he'll sit there and tell the joke before Mitch does so Mitch just seems like an echo...i would laugh and say, do you have this whole cd memorized and he'd smile and say yeah...i keep thinking about how when Chris is tired he actually starts talking just like Mitch Hedburg and its so weird cause he really does sound like him...i keep thinking about the time when Chris tried to say that he is smarter than his EDU professors who have their doctorate and have been teaching for 30 years...thats why he doesn't feel like he should go to class...he's so arrogant, but i love it...
i could go on forever about all the things i keep thinking about, all the things i love about Chris. i think i'm falling in love. and it scares me so much, i don't want to fall in love again...it hurts so much...yet it is the greatest feeling in the world when the person you love actually loves you in return...i don't know if Chris could ever love me...i don't feel good enough for him. he deserves someone who won't hurt him...and i can't guarantee that i won't hurt him...but i would try so hard to make him happy if he'd give me a chance. all i think about is him, all i want is him...every day, all i want is Chris...i pray to God that i will be with Chris...that sounds sad and stupid, but i feel like Chris would turn my life around. he already has...i used to smoke...but i don't anymore...i used to drink...but i don't anymore...i never cared about my grades...but i'm starting to...i have been slipping away from religion...but Chris has inspired me with his faith in God...i need Chris, i want Chris...
if you actually read this, thank you so so much. please comment if you read it and if you have any advice to give me. i know i'm rather redundant, all my recent blogs are about Chris and people have stopped commenting my blogs...but this is huge, this is something in my life that i HAVE to write about...remember, i'm a writer...this is how i know how to survive, this is my breathing, my life force...and it makes a difference when people actually care enough to read what i have to say. maybe i'm just your average college freshman...but i think i'm different. and maybe this all seems like a bunch of crap to you...but my situation is so different than most girls my age...i'm falling in love with a 21 (maybe 22..idk) year old who has a KID. and is getting a divorce...idk, its just different, the biggest adventure of my life, really. i feel like i'm in a soap opera. i'm sorry if my story is boring...but its the only one i have to tell right now....
so i wait a week...no call from Chris. Sigh. i really do have to call him cause i'm sure i'm not on the top of his priorities when he has Noah...so today i call, no answer. then i call again half an hour later...no answer. i wait another half an hour and its an hour before he has to go to work so i try one more time...still no answer. he works third shift so i know if i can't talk to him now i'm not talking to him today cause he's working a twelve hour shift until the next morning...about ten minutes later he actually calls me back! wowow i didn't even leave a message. he said he was taking Noah to the babysitter now he's on his way to work. (he always calls me whenever he's in the car for some reason...which is kinda dumb cause he drives a stick shift meaning when he switches gears he has to drive with his knees. hes weird...)
so we start talking. about hanging out? nooo...about our grades which just came in the mail. he failed a fucking class and still had a 3.1 gpa. i got two A's, a B, and one C and i have a 2.68!!! wtf...(okay my C is technically three C's cause its a nine credit hour class...which is GAY cause i know i got an A in English and probably a B in World Civ but since i PROBABLY failed Philosophy it averages out to a C. i HATE the way Honor's grades shit...) anyway, he gets into giving me "advice" on how to get good grades cause our university is a joke..he got a 4.0 his freshman year cause every day he'd do his homework right after class before soccer. then he goes on to tell me how he never does research for papers. instead he looks at the title, skims the article, finds three sources that agree with his opinion and one that doesn't then BS's a paper. sometimes its not even the topic he's supposed to write about. but he still gets A's. grr. Chris is too smart. lol. no, i'm glad he's smart...but i hate it that he does this effortlessly and he doesn't actually work, he BS's...but thats what makes him interesting. Then he rambles on about how he likes using parentheses in his papers and they are like mini paragraphs inside sentences and i'm like...wtf? i just keep laughing cause he's crazy..he says he has like three thoughts at once so he puts them all into a sentence and he swears he's so good at it that it isn't a run on sentence and its all set up properly...ugh, he kills me...then he starts talking about how he's writing a BOOK. ahhh i about die inside because he's amazing at math and i thought you could only be amazing at either math or English but NO. Chris is good at both! I am excited about this cause i'm an English major...and i thought English person plus math person...not going to work for intellectual discussions. but no. Chris doesn't cease to amaze me...we actually talk about English for twenty minutes or so...he's breaking my heart! you would think this would be good...but it isn't, it just makes me want him so much more!! then at the end of our conversation he actually says it was really cool talking to me about English...sigh...English is my life, i breath English, writing, grammar, books...and i've found someone intelligent enough to discuss it with me (btw one time i was explaining Oedipus and Freud's Oedipus complex to this kid one time and Chris actually knew stuff about it too and joined in on the explanation! Oedipus is my favorite...ahhh!) so anyway, English was not our only topic of conversation. we talked on the phone for FORTY FIVE MINUTES. we have never talked on the phone that long. our phone conversations are usually 10 minutes cause he is always too busy or wants to sleep or do something, idk...but this was amazing...we talked about how he has to move cause he can't afford his apartment (which is sad cause i think his apartment is awesome because it is RIGHT next to the mall, practically on mall property...lol) but then he talks about mold in a house that he wants and his dad is going to buy it for him blah blah blah (Chris talks a lot about nothing...hence the blah blah blah)...then we talk about Magic the Gathering, this wayy nerdy game that we play and he is totally obsessed with, as all the boys in my social group are...he bought a fat pack (which is a bunch of booster packs all together) and got all these new cards and built up his decks and now they are even more bad ass and he built up his Black Deck...my favorite...and now i'm excited cause he always lets me use it =]...but anyway..he talks about that for twenty minutes...and we STILL haven't talked about hanging out! so for the last five seconds of our conversation he's like "maybe we can hang out on Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday next week or the week after that but it depends on when i am looking at houses...blah blah blah (more Chris rambling...) give me your schedule sometime..." i'm like "i have no schedule, i don't do anything ever, whenever you can i can..." (i've told him this a million times but he doesn't get it..) so he's like, "ok, well i'll see when we can do stuff" and i remind him to call me when he figures it out and he says ok (but i'm not entirely sure he really listened. sigh.)...then we hang up after him saying something weird about nice talking to me have a good day or something gay like that...lol.
Chris never stops talking. which is weird for me...cause usually in a relationship (any kind, friend, family, boyfriend..) i am the talker. I never stop talking. so i don't get to talk much when i'm on the phone with him...its a bit better in person...but not really. occasionally he'll talk and be like "you're quiet!" and i think "well duh, you don't ever stop talking.." it doesn't really bother me cause he amuses me and makes me laugh a lot though =]...but i never get to discuss important things with him...which is disappointing...but i'd chicken out anyway if i got the chance. i think i'll hang out with him before i discuss anything anyway, maybe in person i can get a feel for what he's thinking...all i want to know is if he still likes me, if he still wants to date me and stuff...cause he's confusing...he hugs me, smiles at me (not the same smile he used to smile though..)...but he doesn't hug the other girls we hang out with, he doesn't even talk to them really. i think the hugs are his way of saying he still cares...but the "just friends thing" is his way of saying he's scared to get into a relationship. i know he is. he's been hurt a lot, things don't work out for him...he has a problem with being too physical at the start of a relationship, then he regrets it. i know he regrets making out with me a bunch...he even suggested sex one time...which worried me cause we don't know each other well enough for that, and i don't have sex with people i'm not in a relationship with (actually i don't have sex at all...) and he shouldn't either! he's really really religious, a youth minister even. i think he feels guilty cause his life doesn't match up with the life he is supposed to be leading. he says every now and then that he doesn't want to have sex for awhile. he even didn't want to buy a movie cause he was afraid it would make him horny (i am puzzled that he said that out loud, several times actually...once again...weird...) but anyway...he's really confused, messed up emotionally...and now i'm confused.
should i try to start a relationship with him? he's an emotional wreck...and i am too a lot of times...i have a feeling if i do date him it will be hard...and i KNOW it will be complicated with his son involved, his weird work schedule, and his ex wife being pregnant...well technically they aren't even divorced yet. i think i'll be taking care of him more than anything...i care about him and want him to be happy, so i wouldn't mind helping him...but maybe i should do that as a friend? i'm afraid, though, that i'm falling in love with him...idk if i could be just a friend, it would hurt so much. yet thats what i am right now, a friend. i thought we were ready to date but now i see we're far from it. we definitely need to be friends for a little bit, theres too much at stake here to jump in to quick. but he's killing me. he's so funny, so weird, so nice, so smart...i want him so bad, i want those nights back where i'd fall asleep in his arms and wake up in the morning to a kiss...he made me so happy...i don't know why...i think i'm going crazy...oh but Chris is crazy, maybe we were meant for each other, to be crazy together...he makes me happy but at the same time i'm sad. sad because he's such a mess, sad because i know that it will be so hard for us to date, sad because he started out falling for me fast then put the brakes on so quick that our relationship is at a standstill, sad because i don't know why i want him...he's a mess...emotional, physical...he's not fat by any means, he's much skinnier than most guys...but i know he's sad that he's not muscular because he used to be, he used to play soccer, he used to run really fast, his life used to be normal...then Jackie got pregnant and his life fell apart. he had everything- a 4.0 GPA, he was a star soccer player, he lived on campus and hung out with Eric all the time, a girlfriend he loved...now his life is torn apart- he was thrown into marriage, gave up soccer, gave up the college life for his family only for them to be be ripped apart two years later. now he's left working a 12 hour 3rd shift two days a week, not getting sleep, living all by himself, taking care of a two year old every other week, spending every second of free time at our college, living there, really...over staying his welcome a lot of times just for that little bit of time where he gets to be a kid still...he misses class because of work or because he can't find a babysitter for Noah...he plays it off like he just doesn't want to go to class and i believed that at first but then i noticed that he had reasons for skipping class... a few times the reason was me, just to have that extra hour of sleep beside me and that extra twenty minutes or so kissing and being happy for a bit..but the other times he missed to go to work or because of Noah...and i know that its not senioritis like he says...maybe a little bit...but he worked so hard in high school to be valedictorian! he had a 4.0 his first two years of college...then shit happened...and it ended.
i feel like crying thinking about how hurt he must be. he seems like he manages it but if you look at him you know he doesn't. he's not all there half the time because he never sleeps...i notice on mondays after he sleeps the whole weekend he is amazing, smart, happy...then throughout the week he changes, does weird things, says weird things, and talks about sad things, how his life is messed up..
i just want him so bad, i want to hold him in my arms and never let go, to kiss him one more time, to see his smile, to hear him say "your cute" when i randomly look up and kiss him when he's just holding me...i keep thinking of the morning after the first time he spent the night...he said something about wanting to see me again and asked me if we would see each other again and i was like of course. i didn't understand why he sounded hopeful but not convinced..then i realized we were making out the first day we met..he probably thought i was just a girl wanting to mess around then leave...but thats not me, i fell for him that day, i can't get enough of him now...it wasn't because we kissed, it was the way he smiled at me, the stuff he talked about, how he randomly took me to taco bell at two in the morning and bought me stuff and said thank you in the cutest voice when i gave him his tacos...i fell for him when he sat there and ignored poor Eddie while we all played Magic so he could ask me all these questions about myself, he was so interested in me, giving me his undivided attention...i keep thinking of the day we were walking to the quiet room and he took my hand and tried to spin me or something but of course i didn't know what he was doing so i didn't spin...i keep thinking of how he used to put his hand on my leg under the table and i wonder if he thought no one would notice...of course they did eventually...i keep thinking of him driving his car and putting holding my hand for two seconds until he had to switch gears...i keep thinking of how he talked about how he liked me right in front of Dorian then pulled me onto his lap when we were at his apartment and he was beating Dorian at Super Smash Bros...i thought for sure we were going to date soon because he was showing that he liked me not in secret anymore, but right in front of Dorian...i keep thinking of waking up next to him and how good it felt because unlike when i slept in the same bed with Austin i actually woke up in Chris's arms..Austin never really cared about me but i know Chris does...it wasn't about how far he could go with me, though i knew he always wanted more...i keep thinking about Chris's brown eyes and how i never liked brown eyes until i saw how bright Chris's eyes are, the most beautiful shade of brown i've ever seen, Storm's eyes are so dull in comparison...i keep thinking of how Chris would push his glasses up to the middle of his forehead when we were lying in bed and talking and he'd shut his eyes but keep talking, even if i was falling asleep, even if there was nothing else to say Chris doesn't shut up until he falls asleep...he'll tell jokes...keep me awake cause i am laughing...i keep thinking of the stupid Mitch Hedburg cd that we went to Springfield to get and he still has in his car and he'll play it...i keep thinking about how he'll sit there and tell the joke before Mitch does so Mitch just seems like an echo...i would laugh and say, do you have this whole cd memorized and he'd smile and say yeah...i keep thinking about how when Chris is tired he actually starts talking just like Mitch Hedburg and its so weird cause he really does sound like him...i keep thinking about the time when Chris tried to say that he is smarter than his EDU professors who have their doctorate and have been teaching for 30 years...thats why he doesn't feel like he should go to class...he's so arrogant, but i love it...
i could go on forever about all the things i keep thinking about, all the things i love about Chris. i think i'm falling in love. and it scares me so much, i don't want to fall in love again...it hurts so much...yet it is the greatest feeling in the world when the person you love actually loves you in return...i don't know if Chris could ever love me...i don't feel good enough for him. he deserves someone who won't hurt him...and i can't guarantee that i won't hurt him...but i would try so hard to make him happy if he'd give me a chance. all i think about is him, all i want is him...every day, all i want is Chris...i pray to God that i will be with Chris...that sounds sad and stupid, but i feel like Chris would turn my life around. he already has...i used to smoke...but i don't anymore...i used to drink...but i don't anymore...i never cared about my grades...but i'm starting to...i have been slipping away from religion...but Chris has inspired me with his faith in God...i need Chris, i want Chris...
if you actually read this, thank you so so much. please comment if you read it and if you have any advice to give me. i know i'm rather redundant, all my recent blogs are about Chris and people have stopped commenting my blogs...but this is huge, this is something in my life that i HAVE to write about...remember, i'm a writer...this is how i know how to survive, this is my breathing, my life force...and it makes a difference when people actually care enough to read what i have to say. maybe i'm just your average college freshman...but i think i'm different. and maybe this all seems like a bunch of crap to you...but my situation is so different than most girls my age...i'm falling in love with a 21 (maybe 22..idk) year old who has a KID. and is getting a divorce...idk, its just different, the biggest adventure of my life, really. i feel like i'm in a soap opera. i'm sorry if my story is boring...but its the only one i have to tell right now....
