you had me suicidal, suicidal when you say its over...

i feel like Bella in New Moon. Like there's a whole in my chest...my chest aches, my heart feels like a piece of it is missing.

for the first time in years i have began to think about killing myself. i am on a downward spiral, i can't see the light through all the darkness. everything bad that has happened has happened to me.

first and worst..i think i've lost Chris. its a long story, basically he stood me up and hasn't called. i feel like my heart is breaking...i know it is...

second, my best friend, Tabby, might not come back to school...she hasn't paid her tuition...i don't know what i'll do without her, i miss her so much and its just winter break!! we've only been apart a couple weeks...she lives an hour away from me...i feel like i can't live without her.

third, my friend Tyler is almost certainly not coming back to school. he failed his classes and ran out of financial aid...i don't know how to feel about this. he liked me and i didn't like him...my best friend is pretty much in love with him...if she does come back and he doesn't...shes going to be crushed.

i'm so fucking tired of being sad. i can't take this. Tabby and I are always sad. we are both in similar situations when it comes to the guys we are pretty much in love with.

oh and my ex boyfriend who is also one of my best friends wants to kill himself and thinks his girlfriend will soon be pregnant because her mom predicted it in a dream (imo that is bullshit and crazy...) but its making HIM crazy...if i lose him...i don't know what i'll do...he is the only one who truly understands me. our relationship is unconventional. usually exes don't turn out to be best friends unless they are still in love...but that isn't the case here. we just really are best friends. and he's so important to me, i don't know if i can make it without him.

i feel like dying, i feel i am already dying. i hate this. i don't know if i should live...i don't know if i can live anymore. nothing works out for me...