we'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds...

I wish I could go back.
Try to save our friendship, at the very least. Cause I thought you broke my heart when you said you couldn't be with me...but then I realized losing you altogether was a much worse fate. And I'm afraid thats where we are right now...

My mind is constantly active, I will never stop thinking. I over-analyze, maybe. But maybe I'm just thorough. In my mind relationships are often black and white. Its either the guy likes me and wants to date me so he will or he doesn't like me and we're only friends. So of course this situation messed me up. Its not black and white. There's no right answer to this. No matter which path we take someone will end up hurt (really just me...). Of course I would rather hurt with a chance of you being with me...but I know its not possible. And you are right, it would hurt much more when six months in things fall apart and I'm left alone. But you are gone now...and that hurts so much. It feels unbearable. And it is totally and completely your fault. You led me on, you used me. Maybe you really didn't plan on it but the fact of the matter is you knew a month ago that you weren't going to date me anytime soon, if ever. So what happened on Monday should have never happened at all. You are a smart person, I know you had to be thinking while it was all happening "This isn't right". Because I told you in November that I wasn't looking for someone to just fool around with. It would be impossible to fool around with you only because I truly care about you. So thats what hurts the most, knowing that you knew all along we wouldn't be together but you kept on going. And you knew I liked you a lot. And you knew that there was no chance.

I'm really upset about that. But in reality, I really do care about you still. Even though you hurt me more than you know I still care and I want you to be happy, even if its without me. I still hope, though, that you will give me a chance to be your friend. Maybe someday things will get better for you and I'll still be there if you are ever ready for a relationship...or maybe I'll move on. But I always want to be your friend. I don't know what you think of me. I don't know if you only think of me as a girl to screw around with or if you truly enjoy my company. I'm hoping its the second one. I can imagine being just friends. If you give me a chance, that is. Last month you didn't give me a chance, I was ready to be just friends like you said we were going to be. Now that you've hurt me, I'm not going to be stupid enough to fall into your arms if it happens again that you forget how I feel about things. You are a confusing person and it seems as though your morals are a bit screwed up...but I'm not going to let you screw my morals up. What happened Monday will never happen again. Not only is it against my morals as a Christian but I am not willing to be hurt. Believe me, I wanted everything we did just as much as you. And I am partially to blame because sometimes I don't think, I only feel. And Monday feeling won, thinking lost, for both of us. I admit, I came to college a very naive girl. And I am still a bit naive. My mind is full of daydreams and fairytales where prince charming steals my heart with a kiss and we live happily ever after. But that never happens, does it? At least not for me...

So here's the plan. If you want, we can be friends. We can hang out and have fun doing stuff that doesn't resemble what happened Monday in the least. We can watch movies, play video games, play magic, and talk. This is what we should have been doing all along, anyway. Its kind of sad that when we hang out we can't keep our hands off each other. We never took the time to get to know each other. And we are BOTH to blame for that one. I enjoy talking to you and being around you. You are smart and funny. You can be serious or funny. We have a lot in common but we are also very different, which makes things interesting and makes me enjoy talking to you.

Yeah, for awhile this will all still hurt. I think, though, if we can be friends I can deal with this in a better way. I've done some stupid things in the last few days. Said some horrible things too...and if you heard anything I said, I'm truly sorry. I meant none of it...

Please forgive me for my immaturity on Tuesday. I was practically begging you to date me and that was very wrong. It feels like you didn't care though. Which could be good or bad. I have this feeling that I never meant much to you...so that didn't hurt you. You are probably ok with everything, not sad at all...If that is the case, then good. I'm happy that you don't have to feel this way.

Chris...I'm not going to lie, it will take time to get over you. But I will. God hasn't let me down yet. I hope we can be friends...