I'm trying to find the words to say, please say its written all over my face...

It gets harder every day, but I can't seem to shake the pain
I'm trying to find the words to say, please say it's written all over my face,
I can't function the same when you're not here
I'm calling your name and no one's there

And I hope one day you'll see nobody has it easy

So I'm sitting here...being pretty pathetic. I'm listening to all these John Legend songs, all of Chris's favorite songs.

It makes me smile, as tears roll down my face. These songs fit his personality SO well...Some of them are sweet love songs. Some of them are full of sadness and grief. And some of them are blatantly sexual...All fit his personality. John Legend's voice is sweet and smooth, fitting Chris's charismatic aura, his fluid sweet talk, charming yet not so subtle. Just like Green Light, he can totally smooth talk his way into taking me home...but some of these songs are heartbreaking...I'm sure he loves them because of how he's been hurt by Jackie, his soon to be ex wife. It breaks my heart cause I love them because of how much CHRIS has hurt me.

Right now I wish Chris would listen to Everybody Knows and try to think of me.

'Cause everybody knows, that nobody really knows
How to make it work, or how to ease the hurt
we've heard it all before, that everybody knows
How to make it right, I wish we gave it one more try
One more try
One more try
'Cause everybody knows, but nobody really knows

I like music cause you can fit it to your situation. Its not always about what the artist meant to say because music and words can apply to different situations in different ways.

Chris has been hurt so much...I know he's terrified to get into another relationship. And I think he's still holding onto Jackie, still hoping that someday he'll be with her. I wish he'd get it through his head, she doesn't love him. She cheated on him and right now she's with another guy. Shes nine months pregnant with a baby that MIGHT be Chris's but she is with someone else, someone who doesn't mind that she's about to have another baby and is ready to take on that responsibility. She's not coming back, even if the baby is Chris's...He is crazy, truly, and she knows this. He's not fit to be a parent or a husband right now, maybe never. But he told me the day he left me that he might get back with her...he backed it up with saying they'd sleep in two different bedrooms...but I just know he still wants to be with her. So why do I want to be with him?

I honestly don't have a good enough reason. He used me and left me and I am still wanting him so much, I can't even think of anyone else. I begged him to give me a chance. I have such low self esteem that that kind of thing would have never happened before I met Chris. But I've never wanted someone like I want him. I know we can make it work...This is a horrible time for him to start a relationship though. I hope that baby isn't his, he can barely take care of Noah, he isn't a great parent. He still wants to be a normal college student and he can't get it through his head that that can never happen. I know this isn't the right time to start a relationship...but I am pathetically holding on to the hope that Jackie will have her baby and it won't be his and he will see she is happier without him and he can just move on...and I'll still be here.

There's something between us and he knows this. He won't be alone with me because he knows that he won't be able to keep his hands off me. It kills me because I can't look at him without thinking of his arms around me, the way it felt that last day we were together, how much I prayed, how much I thanked God for putting me in his arms, for praying that moment would never ever end. Waking up to kisses, being in his arms...I almost had sex with him, and I wanted to so bad. But I'm smarter than that, and I have more control than him. He tried three times...but he's afraid that if we dated we would end up having sex and he'd get me pregnant too...his excuse for dating his last ex was she was unable to get pregnant. He cares too much about sex. And he knows its wrong, he is Christian, he knows...but he's the first person I've met whose more sexual even than me...But we're so good together...

I can't handle this. I have other guys after me now, and it KILLS me. One is an ex from high school. He now has a kid, a little blond boy who reminds me of Noah. I know I can't date him. I'm still hung up on Chris and the situation is ironically too similar. Except Ryan is smarter, he knows that he can move on...

So I hope one day Chris sees that nobody has it easy. And I wish he'd just give this one more try.

I'm sitting here listening to John Legend, imagining Chris, this skinny, nerdy looking white boy singing these songs so full of soul. I can see his face as he sings the high notes, hear his voice that isn't half bad. Every moment that we have been together flashes through my head, but I pause on those times in the car, pause on his smile, his excitement at showing me his favorite songs. I just want to be with him. I just want to go back to the days where he'd hold my hand, where he was actually considering dating me, where he wasn't just using me. Go back to the day when he pulled me onto his lap and held me close, back in his old apartment that was really nice. Fast forward to the last day we were really together...his really crappy new apartment...the messy bedroom...and the last few seconds of being in his arms before he got out of bed in the morning...and then after he said he didn't want to be at me how I felt my heart break and didn't move an inch, staying face down on his bed as he took a shower.

I miss him. I don't know what I can do to get him back but I know I have to. But I'm crying because I know its impossible.